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Write a note to your spouse every day

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Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#251

Post by xwdv »

wnolens wrote: post #221
xwdv wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do. Becau…

> Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. > This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do If…

My advice is date a lot of women, to get an idea of what you like. Then after that, the next best one you find that comes closest to what you like, marry that one and settle down. Forget about finding anyone better, they may be out there, but you don’t have the time and your lives may not be compatible.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#252

Post by rcktmrtn »

jordanmoconnor wrote: post #212
spicyusername wrote: post #199

Great post! Thanks for sharing something so personal. Being married and having kids is very rewarding, but also very challenging. Being a good husband or father is not something that is a given. This is especially true in the asymmetric situation where one parent stays at home. Good for you for finding meaningful ways to be there for your partner and sharing it. Sharing our experiences for what works helps us all be…

Author here - that's exactly my thinking. Just sharing my perspective even if it helps one person be a better spouse/parent.

I thought your title and tagline were kind of clickbait-y, but you really inspired me to try what you suggested. I haven't yet overcome the feeling that anything I write to my wife needs to be an elaborate carefully constructed love note to be worthwhile. What you outlined sounds like just writing down some of the contents of regular conversations is what I usually talk about with her in the evenings (since we have no kids yet).

... it also made me think about one of the interesting balances I have to strike in our evening conversations, where I need to remember to stop rambling about technical details of work I'm excited to tell her about but are selfish to monopolize the conversation with (even though I know she does want to hear sometimes). The idea of transferring aspect of conversation to writing is very interesting, and seems like a good opportunity for self examination on my part to be a better spouse.

Anyway, thank you for writing!

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#254

Post by itsthejb »

nlnn wrote: post #151
mamoriamohit wrote: post #13

I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commit…

Obviously it's not quite the same thing, but reminds me of an old neighbour we had. She used to love baking, and would bring round cakes/pastries/bread for us all the time. It was really nice at first, but also made us feel very awkward/bad that we didn't reciprocate (neither of us really cook much), even though we'd never asked for the cakes. Eventually we had to ask her to stop, since we just didn't want to eat tha…

This is called a “covert contract”. It’s perhaps the key part of “nice” behaviour that is everything but - you can’t tie someone up in a “deal” that they never agreed to. Even worse, punishing someone else for not keeping up their side of the non-negotiated “deal”

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#255

Post by yieldcrv »

em-bee wrote: post #122
yieldcrv wrote: post #99

Earlier quoted context omitted.

you might be pleased then to know that the same introspective possibilities are available in astrology, and many people get that from it. It goes much deeper than a procedurally generated daily horoscope and judging someone for the month they were born in. Guess I listen better than you might have gathered from what I wrote, I’m pretty quick on the improv and with astrology pretty much all you have to do is not call…

fair point on judging your listening skills. what put me off was that you gave the impression of listening with an ulterior motive. it sounded like you are not listening because you truly care about their well being but only because it enables you to get closer to them. that feels like taking advantage of their vulnerability everything can be used as a starting point for introspection. as long as the focus is on the…

> it sounded like you are not listening because you truly care about their well being but only because it enables you to get closer to them

> people taking astrology seriously are a red flag for me. i would not want them as friends even, let alone a partner.

The only problem with me going along with these belief systems, but astrology in particular, is that its usually the tip of the iceberg of other forms of susceptibility and unsubstantiated magic, and also damage.

but if I was choosing between the MBTI person that takes themselves seriously because an MBA and their companies’ executive uses it, and the carefree astrology person that expects to be criticized, I would chose the astrology person.

so its a little column A, a little column B

people are damaged and susceptible, they replace one religion with another to “find themselves”

I’m just there

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#256

Post by null_shift »

NetOpWibby wrote: post #113
cleandreams wrote: post #49

Wow, so much negativity. I think this is great advice. The key is being genuine and appreciative. Take care of your neediness in other ways. If you don't know how to listen, writing lots of notes can be just another way of monopolizing the conversation. Use the note as a way to maintain the intimacy you already have. Ps my marriage lasted happily for 37 years until the untimely death of my beloved wife.

I don’t fear much but my wife dying before me is up there, right after my kids. I hope to experience and provide the marriage you’ve experienced. This year will be my third married and my 10th being in a relationship with my wife. It’s been a tumultuous journey at times because of lack of communication. In lieu of notes like OP mentioned, my wife and I just check in with each other every morning. And, throughout the…

I’d be interested to hear more.

I have come to realize that I am very self centered, but I can’t quite figure out why.

I tend to get very caught up and focused on what is going on in my life and never stop to think about others. It is more that the thought never occurs to me, as opposed to me consciously prioritizing myself over others.

My wife on the other hand is very thoughtful, always checking in on others to see how they are doing. I wish I could be more like that, but would require some external override (eg setting a reminder on my phone) instead of me organically deciding to do so.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#258

Post by wnolens »

em-bee wrote: post #238
wnolens wrote: post #221

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. > This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do If…

for starters i think it helps to accept that the ideal partner doesn't exist. everyone has flaws on one way or another. the problem is that when you meet that seemingly ideal person some day, that person only looks ideal because you haven't seen their bad sides yet. i think it really helps to keep that in mind. better to deal with the devil you know, than starting over with an unknown. for your problem, i would want…

I think my ambivalence comes from a lack of excitement while just casually socializing. I have plenty of best friends who are hilarious and fascinating, that by comparison I can feel quite empty with a woman who is otherwise quite a catch. I'm trying to give the current one more time because maybe it's a function of how familiar we are with eachother and the experiences we've shared. Romantic relationships as an adult can feel so contrived!

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#259

Post by em-bee »

wnolens wrote: post #258
em-bee wrote: post #238

Earlier quoted context omitted.

for starters i think it helps to accept that the ideal partner doesn't exist. everyone has flaws on one way or another. the problem is that when you meet that seemingly ideal person some day, that person only looks ideal because you haven't seen their bad sides yet. i think it really helps to keep that in mind. better to deal with the devil you know, than starting over with an unknown. for your problem, i would want…

I think my ambivalence comes from a lack of excitement while just casually socializing. I have plenty of best friends who are hilarious and fascinating, that by comparison I can feel quite empty with a woman who is otherwise quite a catch. I'm trying to give the current one more time because maybe it's a function of how familiar we are with eachother and the experiences we've shared. Romantic relationships as an adul…

from my experience it definitely makes a difference how well we knew each other, whether it was easy to just hang out. when you don't know each other, there is a lot of insecurity as to how to interact, and what the other will allow or expect or find uncomfortable. i guess most people in that situation will be cautious as to not appear to try to move to quickly, and that may lead to the experience you had.

what i found helpful is to not focus on romantic dates but join group activities where there is no pressure to interact directly. your friends and her friends or even some other group that you both join for some activity. there is still plenty of opportunity to get to know each other that way, because you will see how each of you act around other people.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#260

Post by bal00ns »

shp0ngle wrote: post #169
zwirbl wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> That is literally the traditional view of the Catholic Church on marriage Can you elaborate on that? Living as an unmarried couple is not very catholic AFAICT, and when not in a relationship, how should you marry?

Yeah of course. The alternative to marrying is living a celibate life, which is seen in Catholic Church as preferable to marriage. Having sex outside of marriage (and, for pleasure only) is of course wrong. As is using contraceptives; as that moves sex to just pleasure.

Interesting! Sorry if this is getting off topic, but how does the Catholic Church feel about using sex as a method for developing closeness and intimacy with a partner, rather than as purely an avenue for pleasure? I imagine that's still frowned upon?
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