Ask HN: I'm in a rut. How did you get out of yours?

My friend was in a similar rut to yours, and I was in a slightly-different-but-equally-shitty place. We weren't particularly close, hadn't spoken for a long while, and he had moved to another country, but we certainly enjoyed each other's company.

One day, I got a message to hang-out on voice-chat to play some video games online. I never particularly got into the game we were playing, but we had a terrific time cracking jokes, and inevitably commiserating about some of the stuff we were dealing with at the time. That game night started into something regular; every week at least once a week for a while.

Another mutual acquaintance joined the group, and then some folk I didn't know. None of us in the same geographic location. All of us, without consciously doing so, found each other at a time where we really needed support. We'd play various games, all sorts of genres, some I had a blast playing, others less so. We didn't always unload heavy shit on one another, but we always felt free to. The games were great, but we mostly enjoyed shooting the shit.

4-5 years later, we're still gaming. Some months we only get one session in, other months we play most nights.

Since we started dating, my friend and I have had massive career changes and a lot of the issues we had are resolved. Writing that out feels like bad luck, but it's true :)

It could be that the companionship just helped making "waiting-out" the rut easier, but I like to think that we helped each other have the courage to tackle the things in life that we needed to.

I know my story is specific to me, but I think the general lessons I learned are:

1) I used to worry about reaching out to old friends, thinking our time had come and gone. If you're thinking about them, they may be thinking about you; give them a ring. If you were ever as close as you thought, you'll just start where you left off.

2) Regular hangs are important. Even quasi or semi-regular. Things happen over the week, small victories and defeats, that are so great to share. It's sometimes awkward to text or call someone to say "my chili plant that I grew from a seed made its first chilis!" or "the fucking vending machine ate my quarters >:(". It's way easier if you're all just chewing the fat to share that.

3) Among Us will result in arguments. Just don't bother, it's not even cool anymore

Hi, this is also something I struggle with frequently. One thing I have realized is that we often are looking for "motivation", like there is some kind of hidden philosophical epiphany we just need to unlock and them boom we would be in gear. It doesn't exist. Yet, then how do so many seem to have it? Well.. because they have found themselves in circumstances which force behavioral change. Marriage, having kids, being in a stressful on demand job... these force you to change your behaviors and environment. For those that can't find those things or they don't come naturally, it becomes incredibly challenging to force yourself to change you behavior.

I bet you know what you want to be doing.. you want to be spending a few hours a day making your game, you want to be working harder at work to advance your career, you want to be learning new things, you want to be exercising and eating better. It is not a question of motivation or trying to find some hidden secret to life (that is better then have a wife and kids).

At the end of the day, humans respond best to structure and obedience, even if you don't consider your personality to mesh with that. If life itself has not forced you into the behaviors you want (also realize that for many people it has.. they haven't found the secret to life either) then you need to force them.

Thus, I would suggest you do one of two things: realize you need someone else to force you, and spend your time looking for a partner with plans of having a family. Do everything you can to make that happen (diet, exercise, go to therapy to help with social anxieties, go to meetups and dating events).

Your other option, is to force yourself to make the changes. You need to change your behaviors. Cleaning your home (and being very strict about it), exercising for 15 minutes a day, doing duo-lingo for 15 minutes a day, eating a proper breakfast everyday, playing a single game of chess a day, reading a tough philosophy book for 15 minutes every day, etc, etc. The key is to keep trying new things and stay consistent. It is possible to build routines and hobbies even when in depression, it just takes a small amount of effort and a ton of self discipline. Do this for a few months and while your life may not be changed in the ways you want, while you may not find your motivation, you will 100% change the way you think about life.

Humans are not complicated, we need structure, we desire to be obedient. Most people find that structure in social life (family, friends, significant other) and don't realize just how crucial is to their happiness and motivation. If you can't find it from others, you need to force it yourself. What you can't do... is wait around hoping for something to provide that structure... because no amount of positive thinking will give you it.

I exercise 2 hours per day, 5 times a week, and eat healthy food: vegetables, protein, no snacks, low sugar, low salt, no ketchup, no mustard, no mayonnaise, no oil for cooking, basically anything doctors recommend, I do it, and I have been doing it for the last 5 years or so.

Does it help? Probably.

Do I still feel constant dread? Yes, every single day, but I learned to live with that feeling and focus on the happiness between work hours.

We have never lived with ourselves, we have continuously distracted ourselves with work and alcohol on weekends. When we see the futility of life, we start to get bored, and that boredom can manifest to anxiety and depression.

You need to learn to live with boredom. As much as you can. Some people call it meditation, some call if mindfulness but it doesn't matter what you call it. You need to learn to live with boredom because nature intended that way. Work is not absolute reality, games are not absolute reality, they were created by thoughts of people like you and me. What is real is the futility of life, and to embrace that you need to embrace the boredom, or the present.

If you are interested, I can tell/help you more, but my comment will get hidden somewhere down below. Still, reply to me, if you want some guidelines, because I smoked weed like you and drank and i am in IT too and now I have quit intoxication and learned to live with myself.