11–20 of 227 posts
you essentially need to do a dopamine detox and start back from ground zero.
for weaning yourself off THC my strategy is to buy high-end CBD flower (online mail order in the US) and then taper my usage. At this point I am consuming about 1g of CBD flower every morning and loving it. Some vendors I like are holy city farms, beleafer and flow gardens.
Small changes in a few different areas, and at the same time, could spark something. New routine (sleep/wake time), a t-break (stepping away for a few weeks always helps me), a new hobby (a bike and some time to ride it), and even something as menial as cooking yourself a few meals can drive some fulfillment. Hopefully it can spark some creativity elsewhere like your game and your job. If anything, it will create a fun sort of experiment that you can move through and pick up small wins.
I try to spend my time after work socializing with people - when I'm not motivated enough to spend time on my projects. People give us meaning and good social feelings.
Do things that give you energy rather than take it away. Also motivation and inspiration are unreliable. They ebb and flow. Discipline is key. It precedes any action and will bring you closer to your goals.
> Also, I have ADHD. This is probably relevant, but I haven't quite figured out how I was going to suggest it but you already know it. I’m in the exact same spot as you and I I have yet to find solutions. Anyway the first step you must take is to seek for professional help.
It seems like you are able to write comfortably, or at least at some length, using the emotional-outlay approach. Like--"this sucks, that sucks, here's why..., also I hate things because," and so on.
So let me just say--that's awesome. As a coach this lights my buttons up in ways your typical info-person will probably never understand.
The activity itself might feel whiny or focused on negatives, but a lot of people are really blocked from reaching higher goals and, suspiciously, they can't let themselves go there. Finally they do in some cases, and it always seems to work well. Human progress, and perception of progress, seems directly related to emotional outlay, even if not outright sobbing or cheering or whatever.
So, if possible, and if writing this even felt like a little bit of progress to you, I would keep doing it frequently.
Back when I was trying to overcome severe, chronic depression and anxiety myself, years ago, I kept a "life change" journal. Is life better today? If not, what will I do tomorrow? That sort of thing. Even writing "this sucks, I hate it" was often enough to be helpful.
In the meantime this might sound strange but IMO the way you write makes the game project stand out as a high emotional risk. So for now I think that in your shoes I'd personally treat the game as mainly a metaphorical interest, like a signal from the shadow: Find the joy in life again. And that's a major accountability project which ought to speak directly to your goals, but which is wide open.
Still, specifically related to game dev: I know some people who have walked a similar path in some ways. They were dying to make a game.
So--looking at the way you write, here's a method that I observed working well for people like that, which I'd probably assign to you:
1) Provide programming tutoring to someone you know, but really aren't too concerned about impressing 2) Give little assignments here and there 3) Slowly make coding a small game into a main assignment for them 4) Repeat a few times if possible.
What this does is keep you in the "I know how to do this" box (you're ready to teach people in lots of ways), with a light-touch treatment for the "but still, I haven't really done it before" (game dev) box.
And before long you will have done it, as a de facto compact with another person.
Just an idea.
I'm always glad to see a post by a Seinfeld fan. Good luck to you.
“Frolf: Frisbee golf, Jerry. Golf with a Frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!”
— George Costanza
Second, you clearly want to believe in something and have something give you joy/meaning. But you can't just sit around and wait for something to pop into your life. You have to make meaning. You have to decide for yourself what will give you a reason to get up and go through drudgery. What do you want to do with your life? What would you like your purpose to be (at least for the next 20 years)? Where would you like to go? You could keep the same job but use it to achieve some larger purpose, or change jobs. Or not have a traditional job; it's a big world out there!
Third, consider that fear may be keeping you in that rut of mindless entertainment. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of missing out, fear of effort, fear of failure, fear of success even! You know you're not happy; so what will make you happy? Or what would you like to try that might make you happy? Or content, anyway? First decide on that, then build your courage, then go get it.
And remember that you also don't have to do anything interesting or fulfilling or exciting. You can just be a regular person with a regular job and regular friends and not seek anything. But do recognize the good things that you have and appreciate them.
However, when the app I created halts, the thousands of dollars will add up quickly, while hundreds of employees are on the clock and no product is moving.
I have many projects on paper that I think can have positive impact on hundreds of people but the drive isn't there anymore.
I'm hoping to ignore my emotions and try to just develop something, I think if it gained traction I might get that spark back but I will probably find reasons to be unhappy about it.
Now that I typed this, it seems like its a mix of pessimism, depression and my somewhat validated negative view of the current society.