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Ask HN: How to deal with children's online habits?

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with children's online habits?

#171

Post by ethbr0 »

Misdicorl wrote: post #133
ethbr0 wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes. And why is your teen so desperate for attention that they're willing to get it from a random stranger on the internet? Instead of their friends or someone they know in real life? Jesus, this thread of an exercise of people making more and more convoluted excuses to treat their own children like criminals. Is this the HN that was against warrantless wiretapping, or did I mistakenly fall through into another forum…

You're obviously well convinced of your position; I haven't had to make one yet. I think a pure trust approach is laudable but scary. A common refrain from parents in these situations is how strong they thought their relationship with their child was and how they never imagined it could happen to them. Thats scary. Weighing a very low probability extreme consequence vs. various questionably impactful interventions wi…

> Weighing a very low probability extreme consequence vs. various questionably impactful interventions with certain downsides is hard (at least in my view).

And that's the essence of the decision.

IMHO, the sane move is not crippling your child's development and your trust relationship with them in exchange for preventing an extremely low probability event: that they will be approached by a sexual predator, who's convincing enough, decide not to talk about it with you, and successfully conceal it from you.

To me, it's a known harm (spying on your child) in exchange for a nebulous good (you might catch something).

Do I have conversations with my child about what they do online? Absolutely! Do I keep a weather eye on any new developments or characters who pop up? Absolutely!

But do I think the solution is technically spying on my child? Hell no. The proper means of redress are analog and emotional.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with children's online habits?

#172

Post by PragmaticPulp »

p1necone wrote: post #143

If you try to control your kids internet/device usage too much they will learn to work around it (at least once they hit the young teens). Try to have open conversations with them and teach them about the dangers of strangers, predatory microtransactions, the permanence of whatever they post on the internet etc. If you just try to monitor and restrict what they do they will grow to resent you, and they'll hide everyt…

> they will learn to work around it (at least once they hit the young teens).

Teenage years and the 7-12 range are worlds apart in terms of what’s appropriate.

Regardless, it’s not a good idea to let “perfect be the enemy of good”. The idea that putting any restrictions in place will result in kids going off and accessing the worst stuff doesn’t really follow, in my experience. Half the battle is communicating expectations and creating a framework for understanding what’s reasonable and what’s not.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with children's online habits?

#173

Post by StanislavPetrov »

ethbr0 wrote: post #52
Majestic121 wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The difference is that you're not a naive, inexperienced with life and prime target for predators 13 years old boy.

If a 13 year old is that inexperienced and much of a target... it's probably time to have a conversation about sexuality and the perils of sharing sexual pictures of oneself with random people on the internet. I swear, most of the "But what if?!"isms boil down to "I don't want to have an uncomfortable conversation with my child to teach them about the world." (Said as the father of a 14 year old)

It is good to have that conversation but it isn't remotely enough. Children lack the reasoning capacity to make good decisions. They are immature by definition. No matter how well-informed and well-schooled your child is, they will not have the faculties or defenses of an adult.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with children's online habits?

#174

Post by elpakal »

brightball wrote: post #167
eatsyourtacos wrote: post #162

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>You’re their parent, not their friend. You can’t be both. Sure you can. And the only reason you are saying otherwise is you don't know how to do both.

At some point you’re going to have to choose one or the other. You can only do both until that happens.

but it’s not absolutely one or the other. you can be both a friend most of the time but a parent all of the time

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with children's online habits?

#175

Post by kfajdsl »

Smithalicious wrote: post #145
guidedlight wrote: post #6

I have some pre-teen children that have access to an iPad, Xbox, and an Apple TV. My #1 recommendation is NO YOUTUBE, unless it's for education purposes. I don't have the App installed on any of my kids devices (they can access it via the website, but they don't do that). It's just a cesspool of garbage for kids. Even YouTube Kids is bad. Occasionally, they will complain about not having the YouTube app... but I neve…

Is YouTube really so bad nowadays? I feel like I'm in a weird position as I'm young enough to have grown up with YouTube, having used it regularly since age 11 or 12, and I got a ton out of it, but "The Algorithm" wasn't a thing in the same way back then. I still use YouTube today and still get a lot out of it, but I mainly watch videos from channels I'm subscribed to or through direct recommendation by other people.…

Yeah, I'm probably around your age. I remember YouTube being great circa 2011 ish, I started getting into Minecraft mods and from that programming because of it.

Now, in 2022 I've been YouTube short (and TikTok) free for a month or so and I consider that an accomplishment lol.

The problem I feel is mindful browsing vs doomscrolling.

A lot of platforms nowadays have gotten really good at promoting mindless content with zero required attention span that's just a dopamine injection. IMO that kind of content is just objectively bad. Then again, I also follow a lot of people on YouTube and other platforms that make content that I would say is the opposite of that.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with children's online habits?

#176

Post by killjoywashere »

mixmastamyk wrote: post #148
killjoywashere wrote: post #63

My wife is a pediatric occupational therapist who works with children in Silicon Valley, including the some of the uberwealthy (Los Altos Hills, Portola Valley ranch wealthy, "would you just come with us on the jet this week" wealthy). She has also worked in pre- and post Katrina New Orleans, college towns, east coast, west coast. tropical islands. She's been around, seen kids at the absolute top and some versions of…

There's some good info in here, but drowned out by hysteria. Might want to tone it down a notch.

I thought about that when I posted it. Here's the issue: "Hey bro, stay away from the edge" is not the advice you need to hear while walking blindfolded toward a cliff. "Stop! Stop! Stop!" is the correct advice. No matter how hysterical it might sound to the blind-folded person.

The magnitude and irreversibility of the consequences matter.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with children's online habits?

#177

Post by irjustin »

eatsyourtacos wrote: post #162
brightball wrote: post #127

I’m going to go the other direction…it’s your responsibility to violate your childrens online privacy at least up to a certain age. Block, restrict, monitor. Say no pretty much all the time. They’ll be fine. There’s so much stuff out there where they’ll have no idea what’s going on but you’ll recognize it immediately. NextDNS is great for this stuff. Apple Family Manager too. On a phone or iPad just remove safari ent…

>You’re their parent, not their friend. You can’t be both. Sure you can. And the only reason you are saying otherwise is you don't know how to do both.

These sentences lack too much nuance that life has.

You can do both up to a point, but it is true you are a parent first and a friend second.

The problem with the previous statement is - many situations require switching and it's extremely tough to know what to be when. My guess is, if you do worry/think about it, your kids will overall be fine.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with children's online habits?

#179

Post by eatsyourtacos »

brightball wrote: post #167
eatsyourtacos wrote: post #162

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>You’re their parent, not their friend. You can’t be both. Sure you can. And the only reason you are saying otherwise is you don't know how to do both.

At some point you’re going to have to choose one or the other. You can only do both until that happens.

I don't know what issues you apparently have with your kids, but stop projecting that on the rest of us who have managed a healthy balance.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with children's online habits?

#180

Post by closeparen »

The wide open internet is a pretty serious threat environment and it makes sense that parents want to protect their kids from strangers and horrific content. But one thing I find pretty disturbing is parents monitoring the digital footprint of their children's real-world relationships. Most people would find it pretty creepy if you made your child wear a tape recorder to school or a friend's house, but the digital equivalent - reading text and instant message content - is surprisingly accepted. I had some friends who were monitored this way and it was very uncomfortable knowing that their parents were party to any conversation we had.

My enormous volumes of unrestricted screen time led to my interest and eventual career in technology; I'm pretty grateful for them. On the other hand I do feel like success in modern life is down to resisting the siren song of empty-calories time sinks like social media, gaming, Reddit, Twitter, etc. and the successful adults of the next generation will be those whose parents inculcate self-control and moderation here.

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