Tell HN: I have the perfect job, why is it not enough?

You sound kind of unconsciously lonely or self-centric here. I don't mean that as an insult, just as where your attention seems focused. You also sound a lot like me, so i'm almost certainly projecting a bit here...

I have noticed that I am, eventually, not very interesting to myself, but the world is, and being "involved in mankind" has much to recommend it.

Other people have made such observations.

David Foster Wallace:

the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. The freedom all to be lords of our tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the centre of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talk about much in the great outside world of wanting and achieving.

The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.

That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.

Isaiah:

What I’m interested in seeing you do is: sharing your food with the hungry, inviting the homeless poor into your homes, putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad, being available to your own families.

Do this and the lights will turn on, and your lives will turn around at once.

I would suggest to you that you are feeling a call to service. It's worth answering not because it's "what you owe" or "because you have to", but because it keeps you alive and human. It's good in and of itself. It will delight and surprise you.

And if you're anything like me, it'll keep you out of your head all the time. And then the light can come in.

I pretty much optimized my life around my young kids. That's why I got a remote job (before covid) and only work four days. I genuinely believe it will be the best investment in my lifetime, and I will look back and be proud I made that decision.

> I learned that I needed to create happiness where I was, not try to find it elsewhere

I fully agree, but it's really hard to do so even if you know that's the right way.

The people telling you to try stuff NOW, rather than later: 100%. Do not think "when I'm retired, I'll have time for this."

I'd always felt bad that I didn't practice and become a great guitar player in my teens and play in bands, like the guys I admired (and let's not even talk about the famous rock stars). So around age 40 I started singing, and then I took piano lessons. I got to be in choruses in some operas and operettas. Was this exactly my fantasy? No, but I at least got some proficiency, and got to perform in front of people who paid for it.

I found it wasn't all that great, for me, which I probably would have discovered in my 20s. But now I don't have that regret anymore. I did it.

Same for traveling: I've been to 26 countries. Coincidentally, travel sucks with COVID, so I couldn't do that now even if I wanted to. People who say "we'll travel when we retire" are kidding themselves. When you're in your late 60s, all you'll be up for is a cruise with other 60-somethings. Boring! And that's if you're even healthy enough.

I won't comment on all the other suggestions: therapy, meditation, helping others, your kids. Not that there's anything wrong with them, but hey -- I don't have all the answers for you.

It is alarming how similar we are (low 30s, 4DWW, great marriage, kids, big house, etc) but I've had similar thoughts.

This sounds cliche and obvious, but it made a big difference for me:

I found myself dreaming of shipping a project, or writing a book - whatever. But, then I would stay in the dream or possibility of what could happen if I did those things - but I wasn't actually doing enough to make them happen.

So, I sat down on a Saturday morning, and wrote down what I would feel "unfulfilled" with in life if I didn't try them. Then, I wrote down a tangible plan to try them. It will takes years, but I will give them a go.

I found that for me, it was the "what if" that was killing me, so I am eliminating that element and will let the chips fall where they may.

> This is what winning at life feels like. It doesn't feel like winning.

That's a good one, and I might steal it one day :) And you are right.

I should start working on my gratitude because I genuinely have everything you could ever wish for.