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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#651

Post by throwaway0asd »

actfrench wrote: post #332
throwaway0asd wrote: post #144

Let’s start with the unpleasant. You are old and female. The best catches, as relationship minded males, are off the game board. Secondly, as an old female your expectations are likely unrealistic compared to what’s available yet simultaneously the more you date the more exhausted and desperate you will get. The pleasant: Since you are an older single professional you have money, which means you have options. You als…

I’m old and female ?!! That’s horrible. I don’t even know where to start. Don’t people live longer these days ? I don’t feel old. I don’t think I look old. I’ve got lots Id energy ! :)

> I’m old and female ?!! That’s horrible.

All that matters, for this discussion, is the age of forming relationships according to statics. Females are ready to settle down around 22-28. From about 28-32 females that have not already had children and are not in a long term relationship are confronted by an internal biological clock that is running out. Males are ready to settle down around 26-32. That male clock is governed by the rapid decrease of sex hormone driving high risk behavior. That male window happens to overlap with that later female clock most deliberately driving a reproductive motive. This is not a coincidence. It is evolution that drives mating behavior in a very real survival sense.

In that context 41 is very old. I don't feel old either, look about 7-8 years younger than I really am, and I am older than you. I can still push my pulse above 200 bps during exercise and still do many things people much younger than me cannot. Even still, I am still human and my biological clock continues moving forward at the regular rate just like everybody else.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#652

Post by D13Fd »

sjducb wrote: post #467
actfrench wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Lol actually I set my range at 30-50. It’s been interesting !

Why is 50 a cutoff? There are lots of smart successful guys in their late 50s, early 60s who realise that their time to have a family is almost over.

I dunno. I’m about 40 and male. But I think a successful and attractive 41-year-old woman who wants kids would be insane to go with someone over 50. That’s just too old. Definitely wise to set a 50 year hard cap and aim for 41 or lower IMO.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#653

Post by D13Fd »

phonon wrote: post #535

Some ideas worth exploring. 1. Find a guy from a set that's undervalued. For example: 20-something shy nerd that's inexperienced with women, and doesn't have a lot of self confidence. In 10 years, they would probably be a "catch" but caught by someone else then. Think grad/law/med student at highly competitive technical university. For example, read about Scott Aaronson's early adult years https://www.theatlantic.com…

> Cosmetic surgery. Be brutally honest on what can take you from, say, an 8 to a 9. Guys like certain physical attributes, and in general may get you more attention even outside of a dating app.

This way lies madness. Do not do this. Seriously, screw those guys who are not interested in you at your current attractiveness level (whatever it may be). If cosmetic surgery moves you up one notch on a 1-10 scale and that is what puts a guy over the edge, that’s not the guy you want IMO.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#654

Post by D13Fd »

actfrench wrote: post #323
whydoineedthis wrote: post #235

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"smart enough"...after reading a lot of your replies, I get the sense this is biggest blocker. It seems you run a startup, so your looking for equal to that? Do you realize how rare that is? If I'm right about running a startup, or something of that nature of leadership, you may want to consider looking for someone that's funny and interesting, rather than smart. If you look at your male counterparts who have found m…

This probably sounds really arrogant, but I’ve long given up finding a man as smart as me:) A basic ability to carry on a conversation and make decisions based on data would be nice

> This probably sounds really arrogant, but I’ve long given up finding a man as smart as me:)

That does sound really arrogant but I can understand it. It may be that at your core you believe you know what is right, and no one knows better. So you’ll never find someone that is as smart as you, because in your mind that meter is pegged at maximum.

But you still need someone you can respect. And remember that even if someone is not a smart as you in one way, they may be wiser and more capable in other ways that you can respect. Mutual respect is what is important in the end IMO.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#656

Post by muro »

ivraatiems wrote: post #232
archagon wrote: post #218

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What leads you to believe it’s possible for the “vast majority”? Isn’t it far more likely that this sort of spark is relatively rare?

I guess I don't have hard evidence. But here's a statistical game I like to play: Suppose that 0.0001% of the US population - a vanishingly small amount - could produce that "spark" for you, and are actively looking for someone. That's about 33,000 people. There's about 20,000 cities and towns in the US, according to Google, so on average, there's between 1 and 2 people in every city in the country who are the right…

I think your math is off. 0.0001% of US population is only about 300 people, so about 6 per US state. :)

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#657

Post by ifelsethenyeah »

actfrench wrote: post #576
actfrench wrote: post #575

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I tend to think that when you have a checklist, you're approaching a partner as if they are merchandise for sale. It's better to look at what you share between you, like good communication, love, attraction.

But also, I think that sometimes people have checklists because they are actually really insecure about intimacy. So, I have great empathy for that.

Ah, good ol' insecure attachment styles, emotional unavailability, and/or fear of abandonment.

---

BTW: If you want to be immensely unpopular with most people, get good ones tagging along with other good ones of their preferred general demographics. It's absolutely revolting when people consider others besides themselves without ulterior motive but to be cool. :peace:

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#658

Post by withinboredom »

actfrench wrote: post #618
withinboredom wrote: post #127

In my experience, stop looking and it'll find you. I met my wife on the beach, basically randomly. Neither of us wanted a relationship at the time, we just enjoyed talking to each other so much. Our "first date" was to a hiking meetup, where we ditched everyone and broke into a park after-hours, explored shit, and at some point, kissed, while hiding from the park rangers. But seriously, just stop looking.

So this is interesting..."stop looking and it'll find you." is advice I've heard from so many people, dear friends, spiritual teachers I know and respect. And yet, I find it virtually impossible to willfully cause myself to "stop looking." And especially when I'm stop looking in order to find something. I can't pretend that I'm not. And I can't stop trying to find something. I will add - and this is a little more per…

> So how do you stop looking? Is that even possible? Or does it just happen?

So, just to put it in perspective, I did this at ~30 years old. My wife is a few years older than me. Instead of trying to find a partner, boyfriend, or whatever, go looking for a single friend. IOW, change what you're looking for.

1. It's a lot easier to find friends than potential life partners.

2. Expanding your network increases the odds of finding potential life partners.

3. IME, turning a budding friendship into a relationship is relatively easy if both people are willing. Also, if either one isn't willing, it won't really harm the friendship because it is so new.

As an adult, making new friends is a bit harder than when we're younger. Hit up meetup.com and just start going to random things that might be interesting to you. Or ask your existing friends to invite you on random outings they have with their friends (you've probably got a "gateway friend"[1] that has lots of friends that don't overlap with your friends) and just start meeting people with the sole goal of making new friends.

Your secondary goal is to find a life partner, but don't make it your primary one. Eventually, you just start making friends everywhere you go (it took me almost a year), stop caring about the life partner part, and during that time I had zero relationships. At the end of that, 90% of my friends were women that I never had a physical relationship with. When I met my wife, we just sat and talked for hours, and then I knew it was different than any other friendship I'd had in the last year. We exchanged numbers and then talked for hours yet again and again. At no point was there talk of a relationship or anything more, in fact, we weren't officially dating until about ~2 months after we met, but we were inseparable after ~3 weeks.

There were a ton of failures along the way though, especially near the beginning. Some truly cringe-worthy moments that I'll take to the grave. But it was worth it, in the end.

[1]: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10791-012-9190-3

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#659

Post by DoreenMichele »

generalizations wrote: post #40

Maybe it's time for an "Ask HN: Who's Single". I can't imagine there's only one person on here trying to find someone. If politics are occasionally allowed on here, maybe that would be, too.

The problem with this thought is that HN tends to skew strongly male. I have no idea what current stats are, but, say, twelve years ago, surveys suggested active participants were as much as 98 percent male.

Dating apps tend to skew male, iirc, and it's a problem. I doubt they typically skew that far male.

I believe female representation has improved here over the years, but it probably still skews very strongly male.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#660

Post by tasuki »

rich_sasha wrote: post #449
ostenning wrote: post #438

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At what cost? At least if you ring the alarm bell early you could improve your situation if you attempt to stick it out (couples therapy etc), but resigning to being “a washing machine” sounds like a terrible plan for your life. The mind finds excuses to propagate your situation because it is afraid of change, and I can see that very clear in your words about “logistics”. Logistics is not a good reason at all to live…

Yeah yeah, we've done couples therapy. Talked. Yada yada. The thing is, i just love and prioritise my kids. It's also not like I'm not living a good life, just a good relationship isn't part of it.

I get what you're saying. Lots of people here suppose you're unhappy and need to get out now. I don't think they have grounds to suppose that. You do you!
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