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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#481

Post by freedom2099 »

assttoasstmgr wrote: post #396

A good friend of mine once told me: "You can be a great mother or a great career woman. You can't be great at both." She's now a SVP at a well-known company, but got there by making a conscious decision to forgo raising a family of her own. You seem like a very busy person, so I have to ask: are you prepared to give it all up? Or are you just looking to check off a box of life's accomplishments, like a project manage…

I don’t agree… my mother was/is a career woman and is a great mother (she is 72 and just retired whilst I am 36). And I grew up with great mental health and high self esteem! I did well in school and university and have a job that pays well and leaves me with plenty of free time! I am also merrier with my high school sweetheart (20yo relationship) with our fist kid on the way… can’t really say my parents (both career people) did a poor job!

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#482

Post by claydolatry »

jdthedisciple wrote: post #477
uxcolumbo wrote: post #460

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Who is we? Speak for yourself… it’s a very outdated view… it’s some sh!tty legacy code frequently causing problems - that badly needs rewriting. And someone more intelligent / independent wouldn’t go for that arrangement you laid out.

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#483

Post by claydolatry »

_tom_ wrote: post #368
actfrench wrote: post #320

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Oh ok. No, I didn’t think he was implying I was a whore. That’s what you read into it. I took odds with the language implying that I was a piece of property to be “taken.” But I was very gracious. Don’t worry. Good thoughts !

Ok, don't take this wrong. I'm rooting for you. But there's the red flag. He said something that's a common expression, "taken", which is used for both men and women. It was clearly intended to be a compliment. You chose an unlikely interpretation that clearly didn't match intent or common usage and decided to get offended about it. After all your self description, I was wondering "how is she single?" Right there, no…

No post body was provided.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#484

Post by tibbydudeza »

Compromise - there is really no perfect match out there - settle for Was not scared to marry a girl from a totally different cultural and racial background - as wise Yoda said once - "Try not, do. Or do not. there is no try"

A good prenup obviously but 22 years and 2 kids later we still together - it doesd help that I am far easier going than her and don't sweat the small stuff like she does.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#486

Post by anon2020dot00 »

_tom_ wrote: post #368
actfrench wrote: post #320

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Oh ok. No, I didn’t think he was implying I was a whore. That’s what you read into it. I took odds with the language implying that I was a piece of property to be “taken.” But I was very gracious. Don’t worry. Good thoughts !

Ok, don't take this wrong. I'm rooting for you. But there's the red flag. He said something that's a common expression, "taken", which is used for both men and women. It was clearly intended to be a compliment. You chose an unlikely interpretation that clearly didn't match intent or common usage and decided to get offended about it. After all your self description, I was wondering "how is she single?" Right there, no…

Well said, also another red flag, at least for me, is that she mentioned that she is looking for qualities of a partner like looking for a CTO. But the difference is that with a CTO is it is purely an economic relationship which can be terminated at anytime with no hard feelings while with a life partner or a husband, it is more of a covenant relationship meant to survive future uncertainties and so really less flashy qualities such as loyalty, tolerance and humility are more attractive than popularity, beauty or intelligence.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#487

Post by sjducb »

speedgoose wrote: post #471
sjducb wrote: post #467

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why is 50 a cutoff? There are lots of smart successful guys in their late 50s, early 60s who realise that their time to have a family is almost over.

The age difference will become a huge problem when one partner is still active while the other is an elderly man. It’s fine for a few years but not great to build a family.

I think you're underestimating what healthy 60 year olds can do. Physical fitness is only required for kids under about 6. After that it's just a nice to have. A good friend of mine had a 60 year old dad and 30 something mum. By all accounts it was great. The only downside was that his dad died when my friend was in his early 20s. I've also got some friends where the mum is mid 40s and the dad is in his early 60s. You can see that the dad avoids unnecessary running, but he's loving it and they've got a great 3 year old. Originally I thought the dad was a granddad. The OP is right at the end of her window to have children, her best bet is to massively lower her standards, or find a man at the end of his window to have children.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#488

Post by speedgoose »

sjducb wrote: post #487
speedgoose wrote: post #471

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The age difference will become a huge problem when one partner is still active while the other is an elderly man. It’s fine for a few years but not great to build a family.

I think you're underestimating what healthy 60 year olds can do. Physical fitness is only required for kids under about 6. After that it's just a nice to have. A good friend of mine had a 60 year old dad and 30 something mum. By all accounts it was great. The only downside was that his dad died when my friend was in his early 20s. I've also got some friends where the mum is mid 40s and the dad is in his early 60s. Yo…

The problem is not the 60s, but the 70s and the 80s when the other partner is a lot younger. I’m sure a dad can be loving whatever his age is.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#490

Post by e-clinton »

My friend and his wife just had twins (she’s 56). Sure IVF is a pain, expensive, and can take time… but worrying less about your clock may make remove a stressor that’s getting in the way of successful dating. Freeze your eggs if you haven’t done so, keep dating, try and get honest feedback from friend by double dating, and keep your expectations in check.

My wife is the most amazing woman in the world and there’s no one else I’d rather be with… but I did consider breaking up with her early on over dumb things, just like I had done with other women before.

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