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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#141

Post by otikik »

I wish you the best luck. My advice for the children part is: this is deeply personal and everyone is different, for me personally biological children would be out of the question at that age (esp given no current long-term partner). However there’s other options.

My sister had a 2 yo and was pregnant of 7 months when her husband had a sudden heart failure and passed away. It was as dramatic as you imagine.

She rebuilt her life, eventually meeting her current partner, a great guy who loves has her and her two children. They are a happy family, he is their dad.

Life throws hard balls sometimes, but it also surprises you. I guess my hack is “keep your eyes open, you might not get the limousine you wanted but you could get a tank instead, and tank are quite cool”.

I also think it would help if you mentioned something about why you think none of the previous 120 candidates didn’t work out.

Again, best of luck.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#142

Post by yrgulation »

a_developer314 wrote: post #130
yrgulation wrote: post #128

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At the very least op should ask whoever sends her an email to confirm that they are user “mtklein” by updating his hn profile about section with a random, unique, string she generates or something. Just to be sure they are the right person. Also rip her inbox.

gosh! programmers dating!

Better safe than sorry. Likewise user “mtklein” should exercise caution. She may be after his carma. You’d be surprised to what lengths people go just to be able to downvote or flag others on here. o_O

/jk

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#143

Post by bsder »

A) Austin is not really a great city for somone single in their 40s--especially female. There's just too many young people you're competing against because of both the University and the "Live Music Scene". In addition, becasue you're in Texas, you've got a bunch of religious-affiliated men who will likely screen you out for various reasons (education, mostly). Some place like Pittsburgh would probably be better.

B) One question you need to ask yourself is: Do you really have your list of wants adjusted to a realistic level.

I can't find the video now (we'll see if HN can pull it up :) ), but there was a woman (from University of Pennsylvania? Statistics department?) who decided that she would apply her statistics knowledge to dating.

When she listed her desired characteristics, she calculated that there were a total of 3 men in all of Philadelphia who would match--of which 2 of them were likely married already.

That was pretty eye opening to her. It doesn't take many characteristics before you've screened out practically everyone.

After fixing that, she applied her statistics to adjusting her dating profile to start matching her with the people she wanted and was quite a bit more successful in her endeavors.

Good luck.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#144

Post by throwaway0asd »

Let’s start with the unpleasant. You are old and female. The best catches, as relationship minded males, are off the game board. Secondly, as an old female your expectations are likely unrealistic compared to what’s available yet simultaneously the more you date the more exhausted and desperate you will get.

The pleasant: Since you are an older single professional you have money, which means you have options. You also have your educational and career history which should provide you an awareness of the world and people that younger people don’t have, but then this assumption is only 50/50 as there are plenty of older people who are single because they are borderline autistic.

I strongly recommend not being too reliant on dating apps to meet people. All old single people do this out of desperation/convenience, which pools the desperate people together. It takes more work, especially if you are low in extroversion, to meet real people in the real world but your odds are so much better. Set your expectations low, relax, and try to have fun with it. The best benefit of being single is the freedom to do things married people with kids can’t, so keep trying to meet real people and not rush it.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#145

Post by metadat »

yrgulation wrote: post #128
abraxas wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not sure it’s a good idea to post your personal coordinates on a public forum on a dating thread even in this “obfuscated” format. You’ll probably get some unwelcome attention or at least get spambot subscribed to “newsletters” and “offers” by random web scrapers.

At the very least op should ask whoever sends her an email to confirm that they are user “mtklein” by updating his hn profile about section with a random, unique, string she generates or something. Just to be sure they are the right person. Also rip her inbox.

+1 Yes, safety first.

We can be safe, but the world isn't safe.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#148

Post by deanmoriarty »

I am a man who dated many women casually via online dating, until I decided to settle down (wrote about this here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31021578), so I think I can bring a somewhat relevant perspective.

Based on my experience, dating is absolutely a market driven by a typical economy of supply and demand, and the supply of "good enough" men who want to settle down with a woman is virtually unlimited for virtually any woman out there, in virtually any major US metro area. This means that the problem might be in yourself, and my guess is:

- Men perceive you as "weirdo". For example, going on a first date and immediately stating that you are looking to have kids since your time is "running out" would be a red flag even to the most desperate men.

- (I bet my money on this) You are too picky, even if you don't think you are, and the only men you're interested in are the ones who have an overwhelming abundance of choice (e.g. top 5% in terms of earning, looks, status), and as such are not in any pressure to settle down with you.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#149

Post by bsaul »

Given the little time you have left, i'd recommend going with that friend that's been secretely in love with you, but you've only ever considered a friend.

My guess is that you've built yourself a modern romantic image of what a couple should be (aka : two maddly in love young beautiful people having crazy passionate sex every night) instead of the traditional one (two grown ups trying to build a family against the constant shitstorm that life is).

I'm not judgemental, as i'm almost in the same situation as you, except as a guy i feel i still have a bit more time (but not that much).

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#150

Post by metadat »

mountainb wrote: post #35

You should look for men who are divorced or widowers, because 41 is 41. I know you said “no discouragement” but perhaps that is one of your issues. People who lie to you to avoid hurting your feelings are not necessarily doing you a favor. Very few men who are not in the 2nd hand category or are themselves in their 50s or older are going to be even interested. Your other issue is most men who are not in those categor…

Good ideas.

41 isn't that old, and by this age there are more divorced than never married.

If someone has never had a serious relationship by the time they're 33 or so, it's a red flag 100% of the time in my experience.

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