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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#92Dating is game theory, both people try to get someone better than themselves. Naturally it's impossible to find equilibrium. Unfortunately Satoshi Nakamoto did not find a solution to this problem
Religion found a solution to this, although it's not a solution that many people like. Unfortunately religion is thought to be a collection of beliefs, but in practice it's largely about regulating sexual desires which lead to a healthy relationship and then a family. I'm not saying it's the only solution or even desirable, but that there doesn't seem to be a secular alternative.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#93There is a solid system that I have seen work quite well in the workplace and a few of my colleagues relationships. https://issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html Use demographics to your advantage. An obvious example: Chinese men have to clear a very high bar to be marriage material because of the shortage of women. Take advantage of this. You could start learning a martial art popular in China, then do an extend…
I really, really hope this is sarcasm. The original article and its follow up [1] make it clear how this isn't sustainable in the personal relationships case (not to mention grossly unethical).
[1] http://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems-whittling-yo...
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#94Hey! I'm a guy, single, 37, also living in Austin, and I have no idea what I'm doing with my own love life. I read a lot of my own feelings in what you write. If you'd like to meet someone with no weirdo agenda (or at least like, not worryingly weird), get in touch?
No pressure to respond, and I don't want to be an internet creep. I just thought you might like to know you're not the only one like us out there. You posting this here was so brave and I feel less alone just having read it.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#95Is this real? There are some thirsty dudes around HN (who isn't?), and they tend to be high earners. Are you sure you haven't gotten to the plot twist yet where, actually, you're a Nigerian princess, and if only you could get a Western Union for $50,000, then you'd be able to resume the throne? If it is real, though, I mean, good luck?
You are sweet. Sadly it’s all too real. And I’ve gotten just desperate enough at this point to ask hackers for advice. Hopefully someone can tell me how to hack love! Thanks for the good luck. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face and making me laugh.
> Hopefully someone can tell me how to hack love!
Have to say I had to laugh at this. I went on a bicycle ride with my wife this evening, just the two of us, we left all three kids at home ... alone :eek: House still standing when we returned :)
Be aware that having kids is like starting an avalanche. You have no idea where it's going or what's going to happen. I really mean it.
Good luck!
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#96I’m happy to chat if you like. I’m a Dating Coach - www.alittlenudge.com. I will say, though, that I don’t allow people to say “still” anything. You’re not still unmarried, as if there is only one solution. You are simply single and looking. This is not a contest or a race. It’s your life.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#97I have a friend that’s kind of similar to how you’ve described yourself. She’s in her mid thirties, and she calls me for dating/relationship advice and we always laugh together about how absurd her situation is.
At the end of the day, for her, she doesn’t really know what she wants in a partner. By that I don’t mean she doesn’t know whether or not she wants to get married or have kids, but more granular detail like “Do I need an exercise buddy?” “How important is it how they comport themselves at sex parties?” “Do I want to be involved in their family?” etc.
I read your entire post and learned nearly nothing about you as an individual so I can’t really dispense any earnest advice.
I do have questions though!
1. Is there a common theme of what ends these relationships or stops them from maturing? If so, what?
2. What is your relationship history? e.g. have you ever had a serious or long term relationship? If so, what happened there? If not, do you have any idea why that is the case?
3. Have you dated any of your male friends? In my experience, the absolute best way to start a healthy relationship is to start with a healthy friendship. This isn’t a hard and fast rule, but companionship rocks.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#98What are your weaknesses? Finding someone who has the skills that compliment you are more important than finding someone with identical interests. In my opinion you would want someone to be independent and have their own interest and be willing to blend their lifestyle with yours. I'm married to an accountant and her technical skills and background are substantially different from my own. We don't have the same opinion on everything and don't need to be perfectly aligned to feel like we both have the perfect family.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#99[deleted]
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#100Have you considered IVF to reduce the time pressure so that you can make a better decision in the long run?
I did get my eggs frozen :)
> I did get my eggs frozen
Looking back, I sort of wish we'd started with the kids somewhat earlier (#1 was born when I was 34).
Having said that, we did a load of stuff before that that we couldn't have done had we had kids sooner.
Life has a habit of throwing curveballs. Having kids just adds to that, massively.