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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#51

Do you have an idea why the dates you've been on haven't led to a long term relationship?

Most of the time with the online dates, I felt one out of ten was somewhat attractive, so I’d give them a chance and get interested then the guys immediately lost interest and ghosted me after things got physically intimate. I think they just wanted sex and I wanted to wait to get to know them better.

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#53

Keep unmarried. As a married man I can say that marriage and having a kid habe their own quirks and when I look back it was just trading A for B with A not necessarily worse than B.

I'm sorry you've had that experience, but please don't over-project your experience on others. Marriage is a mistake for some, but it's a good thing for others, and the OP sounds like she already has a clear idea of what she wants.

No I'm not. I'm just saying it's a possibility that OP may experience.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#54
You're not going to like it, but I think the men you usually find attractive are out of your league

Also, unfortunately, in today's society, high value men have less incentive to settle down. That is sad. Someone desirable to you, probably is for many other girls too, and they know that

You might be a great person/woman, but might have something turning down people as well... I can't say. We, internet strangers, can't help without knowing you

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You don't like the fellas you went out with? 0 for 120? Surely at least a few of them liked you. How many 2nd and 3rd dates did you have?

Almost all of them asked me out again, but there were really compelling reasons it wasn’t a fit. The ones I did go out with again and I really tried to stretch myself, usually ended up ghosting me. I think they were playing the field.

>but there were really compelling reasons it wasn’t a fit

Care to elaborate?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#56

Is this real? There are some thirsty dudes around HN (who isn't?), and they tend to be high earners. Are you sure you haven't gotten to the plot twist yet where, actually, you're a Nigerian princess, and if only you could get a Western Union for $50,000, then you'd be able to resume the throne? If it is real, though, I mean, good luck?

You are sweet. Sadly it’s all too real. And I’ve gotten just desperate enough at this point to ask hackers for advice. Hopefully someone can tell me how to hack love! Thanks for the good luck. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face and making me laugh.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#57
My two cents, and I’m no expert…

Trying too hard is unattractive and unsuccessful. Many guys get spooked by someone who is on a short timeline to get married. They’re doing you the favor backing out early. This isn’t an accomplishment that one checks off like getting into the right school, or running a marathon.

Do things you like to do. Find your tribe. Be open to meeting people in that tribe as friends first.

You’re also in a bit of a demographic trap because men yourr age can date women from 25-50. Is your range that wide? If not, open your boundaries for what is considered acceptable (age, profession, already having kids, etc) if the interest and respect is there.

Good luck!

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#58

Is that 120 first dates?

No one out of ten I had second or third dates with

Oh, sorry. That's rough. I got to the point where I was going to start invoicing dating websites for all the money I spent on dating (food, booze, time spent). I was in the upper double digits and almost gave up. I eventually just started giving potential partners more time. Some more than I should have. Eventually, I found "the one." I think it takes me time to build relationships I feel comfortable in. Maybe that's you too The rub is, time is the one thing nobody can get more of. Best of luck.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#59

"My time for having children is running out." You like dates! You may be addicted to dates [knowingly or not]. There is nothing wrong with that.

Lol. I wish I liked online dating. I find it torture and only force myself to do it with a great accountability partner hoping the odds are I’ll meet someone great.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#60
It sounds like you are earnestly trying. This is genuinely a difficult problem, so please do not get discouraged. You only need to succeed once.

A large part of the problem is that many men who wanted to be married are already paired off.

You may have to make tradeoffs for “willing to marry and have children” versus other aspects of what you want in a partner.

Out of all your friends who are (happily) married, could you see yourself with someone like their husband? If the answer is no, why not?

Also, if you are religious, have you thought of finding someone via those events?

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