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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#41

Post by oneplane »

How many interactions were not online-based? I have no idea how much it matters in general or how much it matters to you, but I have had various friends have trouble meeting in one space but then have a lot more success in the other.

Another thing might be what 'sources' for interaction you consider, dates/hookups/meetings vs. people you already know. Lots of people meet each other by proximity, like at work, special interest groups (like sports clubs), volunteer work, conferences etc. If you consider what friends you might have and how you got to meet and know them, the same source might be a place to find someone to become more than friends with.

Lastly, is there a risk of forcing the issue, "looking" for someone to play a specific role instead of having a single interaction grow into more interactions, and then get to friendship/intimacy after that etc. Most of the long standing relationships around me (and my own) are based on organic growth.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#42

Post by knownastron »

actfrench wrote: post #18
knownastron wrote: post #9

What has led those 120 potential partners to not work out? From what you’ve described here, you’re quite the catch. Is it that belief that is leading you to have too high of standards for your mate?

I think it’s quite possible or I don’t know what to look for. I didn’t have a dad so it’s hard for me to know what I like and don’t like. That said, there are many men I’ve found attractive when the timing wasn’t right so I don’t know that I’m too picky either. Hard to say. I wish I was more discerning in seeing who is a good man who could be a good partner for me

I see in your other posts you’re saying 1 in 10 men you find attractive. Also that you’ve dated unemployed men.

So maybe it isn’t standards in terms of income, occupation, etc. that’s holding you back. It seems like you’re using attractiveness as the first filter. Which most people do when finding a mate. But given your age and your goals, maybe you should give a chance to more of those that you don’t find meeting your attractiveness bar. Treat it like a arranged marriage perhaps, arranged marriages often result in fulfilling lasting marriages (with kids!) that I’m sure didn’t start with outright attraction.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#43

Post by throw220702 »

Your experience suggests you can solve your problem in one of two ways: Figure out how to interest the attractive men in commitment; figure out how to feel attraction to someone who will commit.

It might help to analyze what makes you feel attracted to someone. What were the moments, characteristics, or sensations that inspired you to conclude you were attracted to that 10%?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#44

Post by FooBarBizBazz »

Is this real? There are some thirsty dudes around HN (who isn't?), and they tend to be high earners. Are you sure you haven't gotten to the plot twist yet where, actually, you're a Nigerian princess, and if only you could get a Western Union for $50,000, then you'd be able to resume the throne?

If it is real, though, I mean, good luck?

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#46

Post by actfrench »

artificialLimbs wrote: post #16

Stop being so picky and realize no one (and by extension, everyone) is perfect. No one person is going to fulfill all of your romantic and relationship needs, and that's ok.

I’m actually really open to giving people a second chance and getting to know them. When I have a reason that someone is not a fit I sanity check it with my friend. Im not the kind of person who dismisses agit for superficial reasons like lack of a college degree, socially awkward, height or slightly overweight. I try to be compassionate and see the good in people. I’ve endured a lot of negative treatment from men and I have to hope that connecting with someone im attracted to who is kind and honest and there for me is not too picky.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#48

Post by claudiojulio »

Hi! You seem to be an exceptional woman. It has so many qualities. What man would be on your level? Powerful men don't care how much you earn or what position you hold. They have so many options that if you have a standard of beauty and femility, you won't attract them.

Lower your requirements and expectations. Look for what you have in common with the men you meet. If you look for men with status and beauty, you will only find people who are interested in status and beauty.

Automatically translated.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#49

Post by brundolf »

markus_zhang wrote: post #13

Keep unmarried. As a married man I can say that marriage and having a kid habe their own quirks and when I look back it was just trading A for B with A not necessarily worse than B.

I'm sorry you've had that experience, but please don't over-project your experience on others. Marriage is a mistake for some, but it's a good thing for others, and the OP sounds like she already has a clear idea of what she wants.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#50

Post by actfrench »

Victerius wrote: post #2

Do you have an idea why the dates you've been on haven't led to a long term relationship?

I did actually have one that led to a long term relationship. I was very very much in love but ultimately my partner did not want to have kids with me , primarily because of a serious mental health issue he needed to pay attention to, so I chose to end it after a year.
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