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Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

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Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#191

Post by elzbardico »

analyst74 wrote: post #172
CoastalCoder wrote: post #13

For in-person discussions, we should probably factor in the nature and depth of the relationship. For example, if I'm just chatting with someone at the park, I don't expect them to welcome a serious critique of views they espouse. But if I've known that person for a long time, and we're invested in each other, then I'm more likely to challenge or at least discuss touchy matters. Internet discussions, depending on the…

As a very logical person who developed social intelligence much later in life. One very surprising thing I noticed, unthinkable to my younger self, is that many people only engage with people they are interested in. If upon initial judgement and they find you not interesting, they basically tune you out, and won't attempt to find out what interesting things you have to say.

On the other side, you only need to be really interesting once, or at most a few times. After they judge you attention-worthy you can basically stay quiet and they will drive the conversation for you, speaking as if there's no tomorrow.

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#193

Post by jodrellblank »

> "I've actually observed that people in real life seem so much more complacent and uncritical compared to people online."

Well, "Most of What You Read on the Internet is Written by Insane People" - https://old.reddit.com/r/slatestarcodex/comments/9rvroo/most... The more polite summmary at the end is: "If you consume any content on the Internet, you're mostly consuming content created by people who for some reason spend most of their time and energy creating content on the Internet. And those people clearly differ from the general population in important ways."

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#194

Post by Flying_High »

It may just depend on where you live. From what ive noticed, most people have a clique and stick to it. If youre not part of their group, then you will probably never have a clue they exist. whereas online, the line between cliques are scewed, so it bleeds through.

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#195

Post by earleybird »

trhway wrote: post #168
abnercoimbre wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was going to say it's mostly about the threat of physical violence (or lack thereof.)

it is lack (or significantly lower risk) of pretty much any threat. In real life people with different opinions are punished in many ways, not just physical (is anything i'd say the pure physical punishment is frequently not the main concern). Being anonymous online (or hard to reach in some other way, like say residing abroad) allows at least some freedom of speech.

The idea that there are folks who believe that people with differing opinions should be punished that I find disturbing.

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#196

Post by anon_d »

You have been intensely socialized to behave like a robot in person. To wear a mask and not do anything that stands out.

People expect this, so doing anything "off script" around other people makes them EXTREMELY uncomfortable. If they are strangers, they usually "filter you out", pretend they don't notice, and create distance. If they are associated with you, they will immediately begin pressuring you to stop in increasingly less subtle ways.

Everything about our social interactions is completely scripted. We are choosing between pre-approved scripts that we learned movies and shows. In our public behavior, we are literally just executing software that has been uploaded to our brains.

You mostly don't notice this because that's all you've ever known. However, if you deliberately force yourself outside the script YOU WILL NOTICE, and you will notice very, very intensely.

As a consequence, most of the "interesting" people that you meet in real life are hiding, taking on the same exterior behaviors as everyone else.

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#198

Post by otterley »

Lammy wrote: post #136
otterley wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> HN is a strongly self-selected group of people, with rules against bad-faith arguments I'd love to see those rules enforced someday. There are plenty of examples of such arguments to be found here.

Other peoples' intent is fundamentally unknowable. Labeling someone's speech as "bad-faith" is repackaging an individual's subjective dislike of certain arguments into a justification for denying everyone else the ability to evaluate that argument and make their own individual judgement.

First of all, we have to make reasonable inferences of intent all the time. Being able to do so lies at the heart of criminal law (see mens rea). We'll never be able to probe into the subjective heart of someone, but we do our best based on available evidence and tolerate the errors, while always trying to converge closer to objective truth.

There are plenty of interesting things to talk about in this world. Not all comments are worth publishing or reading; some are deemed more valuable than others. Editorial discretion is one of the distinguishing characteristics of different discussion fora. Just like you could read a different newspaper if you disagreed with the editorial bent of one, a great thing about the Internet is that you can always start your own forum if you disagree with the editorial choices of an existing forum owner. And the startup costs are a whole lot lower, too.

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#199

Post by dotnet00 »

I think one point being overlooked is that often it's harder to have deeper/more critical conversation irl without preparation since you don't really have much time between thinking and speaking, so it's easier to just go with the flow. On the other hand, in online discussion, it's possible to take time to think before speaking.

So irl I will often realize hours after a conversation that I would have disagreed with something, at which point responding likely doesn't make sense, whereas responding a few hours later is pretty normal online.

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#200

Post by tptacek »

otterley wrote: post #111
dang wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You seem to be assuming that we don't enforce HN's rules. We do enforce the rules, but only on the posts we see. We don't see every post—there are too many. You, or anyone, can help by flagging posts that break the site guidelines, and in egregious cases by emailing hn@ycombinator.com.

Do you maintain metrics on the ratio of flagged posts or comments to those you take action on? Or categorize why such posts are flagged/removed? I've only ever heard you say "trust us, we do this," but I can speak from experience that I have personally flagged some posts and comments that end up remaining anyway. This is, of course, your site and you can moderate it as you please, but the quality of participation has…

Flagging doesn't just alert the moderators. It can also directly kill comments. Your one flag won't do it (of course), but the idea is that you're not the only one flagging. So it's worth doing (carefully!) even if you don't believe the mods are going to follow up.
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