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Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

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Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#81

Post by lovelearning »

In my case, I'm able to express my opinions better while writing than talking. I had vocal and speech defects in childhood that made me a hesitant talker. Though they improved over the years, the mental inhibitions have persisted.

Another (more recent) reason for my multiple personae is that I hold some unwelcome views about politics, society, religion etc. They can result in actual physical harm or state intimidation where I live.

So not only do I have different personae in real life and virtual, but I have multiple virtual personae too for different interest areas. The anonymous ones are where I'm most open and honest.

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#82

Post by User23 »

xwdv wrote: post #45

In the real world, there is always a low level threat of violence that keeps people in check. People get bolder as the threat of violence approaches zero. In the civilized world, men will not be so quick to argue fiercely with other men as the probability of a violent outcome is higher. Contrast with women, who will often verbally assault without limit, simply because they enjoy the benefits of the fact that it is no…

I don't see it as particularly ironic. It's more recognizing that violence is fundamentally part of being alive. We can look to nature and history for plentiful examples. Violence, human or otherwise, can't ever be eliminated, so the only alternative is to harness it. Various civilizations have been more or less successful at this. Without the threat of violence, the law itself is nothing more than a set of polite suggestions.

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#83

Post by User23 »

OnionBlender wrote: post #76

Uncritical of what? I avoid talking about religion and politics with everyone (family, co-workers, acquaintance) for obvious reasons. Ignoring those hot button issues, I still need to be careful not to be critical of people. - At work I've had a co-worker nearly get fired for telling another she "doesn't know what she's talking about". He got "written up" but ended up finding a better job a short time later. - At wor…

> Some family members get super offended if you make any kind of suggestion on how they can fix a given problem

Unsolicited advice is generally offensive. If they wanted your advice on how to fix their problems they would ask you. If they don't and you go ahead anyway then you imply that you are superior to them and just come off as obnoxious.

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#84

Post by FunnyBadger »

The simple answer: online lacks all the visual and aural feedback mechanisms that are automatic in face-to-face interaction. That radically changes how people act.

All the social norms that have 100,000 years of biological and sociological development that are kept in-check by visual feedback from others around us are taken away online.

This also applies to things like sales - face-to-face direct sales is far more efficient and effective than doing the same by phone or online. You can close deals far higher $$ amounts face-to-face because people can "read" each other. Online works just fine for simple, low $, low risk transaction - that's Amazon's sweet spot, for instance.

I've been in high tech sales for 30 years - with early experience at HP selling test equipment with average selling price (ASP) of $20K-$1M. I'm still in that general market. The sales training you get at Fortune 20 companies addresses most of this difference both directly and indirectly. The latter in includes noticing how direct sales works and what can be sold that way vs. what can not with telephone and online sales (the risk level of $1M piece of equipment even for the largest corporations absolutely requires a lengthy face-to-face process).

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#85

Post by moneywoes »

FunnyBadger wrote: post #84

The simple answer: online lacks all the visual and aural feedback mechanisms that are automatic in face-to-face interaction. That radically changes how people act. All the social norms that have 100,000 years of biological and sociological development that are kept in-check by visual feedback from others around us are taken away online. This also applies to things like sales - face-to-face direct sales is far more ef…

Any big lessons learned throughout this time? Or books / practices you would suggest? I'm trying to sell some cheap software to primarily people in one industry (ecommerce) would you suggest getting in a video call being the most effective strategy?

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#86

Post by UncleEntity »

OnionBlender wrote: post #76

Uncritical of what? I avoid talking about religion and politics with everyone (family, co-workers, acquaintance) for obvious reasons. Ignoring those hot button issues, I still need to be careful not to be critical of people. - At work I've had a co-worker nearly get fired for telling another she "doesn't know what she's talking about". He got "written up" but ended up finding a better job a short time later. - At wor…

— Some family members get super offended if you make any kind of suggestion on how they can fix a given problem.

Some members of the species aren’t really looking for a fix when they are complaining about something but just need to vent. Life is much simpler if you simply nod and say “oh, that’s horrible”.

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#88

Post by abnercoimbre »

brabel wrote: post #64
CoastalCoder wrote: post #13

For in-person discussions, we should probably factor in the nature and depth of the relationship. For example, if I'm just chatting with someone at the park, I don't expect them to welcome a serious critique of views they espouse. But if I've known that person for a long time, and we're invested in each other, then I'm more likely to challenge or at least discuss touchy matters. Internet discussions, depending on the…

There's also the fact that when you're online there's a zero risk of being punched in the face when you say something the other person is likely to find unpleasant.

I was going to say it's mostly about the threat of physical violence (or lack thereof.)

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#89

Post by annyeonghada »

User23 wrote: post #83
OnionBlender wrote: post #76

Uncritical of what? I avoid talking about religion and politics with everyone (family, co-workers, acquaintance) for obvious reasons. Ignoring those hot button issues, I still need to be careful not to be critical of people. - At work I've had a co-worker nearly get fired for telling another she "doesn't know what she's talking about". He got "written up" but ended up finding a better job a short time later. - At wor…

> Some family members get super offended if you make any kind of suggestion on how they can fix a given problem Unsolicited advice is generally offensive. If they wanted your advice on how to fix their problems they would ask you. If they don't and you go ahead anyway then you imply that you are superior to them and just come off as obnoxious.

>Unsolicited advice is generally offensive. If they wanted your advice on how to fix their problems they would ask you.

It is not generally offensive to offer a suggestion about how to solve a problem, what's offensive is abusing people time by rehearsing the same complaints over and over again while ignoring any kind of solution. If they whine constantly about a problem but never seek any way to solve it, it is just attention-seeking behavior.

>If they don't and you go ahead anyway then you imply that you are superior to them and just come off as obnoxious.

No. It implies that the person has already had the problem and solved it successfully or they have the knowledge to solve it successfully or they are trying to brainstorm what they would do.

Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?

#90

Post by _Algernon_ »

Loud minorities. You only notice the bad parts.

Hiding behind a pseudonym/anonymity allows people to hold back less.

You probably don't talk much to teens/children irl. You do online.

Less / no social repercussions to being a cunt.

People who are bitter and angry and troll on forums may not go outside much irl, so you don't meet them.

If you are outside the US, you get to experience the exported political polarization from the US which you may not have where you live.

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