My version:
Your code sucks.
Alternative careers: "Do you want fries with that?"
OP's version: 1. Inability to determine the order of program execution
Alternative careers: Electrician, Plumber, Architect, Civil engineer
2. Insufficient ability to think abstractly
Alternative careers: Contract negotiator, Method actor
3. Collyer Brothers syndrome
Alternative careers: Antique dealer, Bag lady
4. Dysfunctional sense of causality
Alternative careers: Playing the slot machines in Vegas
5. Indifference to outcomes
Alternative careers: Debt collection, Telemarketing
So the real test of a good programmer is one who can write a routine that crawls the source code of a bad programmer and tells them what they should really be doing.