I get messed up by the same thoughts, OP. It always lingers in the back of my mind, extra pressure that I don’t need. “You’re going to die one day, better not waste your time”, I tell myself. It may comfort you to know that I’ve been doing this to myself for my whole adult life! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing the absolute truth on the matter: that every single person in existence is ageing at the same rate as me. One single day at a time. No one is immune to it, and we all edge towards death in lockstep. Somehow it’s comforting to know I’m not alone in mortality. I don’t want to die, or decline, but there is no way around it.
Does this all sound morbid? How old do you think I am? One year is a long time to have these thoughts linger, let alone a few decades. It’s a pathological issue, something that doesn’t have any positive effects on the way you function. My grandfather is coming up to his 80s, his wife died while they were in their 60s. His salvation has been in the form of work. He has not stopped working and has stayed active. I worked with him on construction sites, him 73 and I 21. His speed, grit, determination and directness of action made me pale in comparison. He is a rich man, and doesn’t need to labour on his own projects. He does it to beat lethargy and morbid thinking. He is slowing down, but still oversees his large commercial developments in our region.
Simplified: too much free time will give us opportunity to linger on dark thoughts. My pop is one of the calmest men I know. He doesn’t stress about things, and he is constantly active. I think it is related.
I wish you the best of luck, OP. These are difficult thoughts to grapple with. I hope you find solace.