There's so much to do in life, why not find a completely new skill to master? Or if you've got so much free time - consider becoming a teacher. It is arguably the most important profession that exists in our world and knowing you are shaping the future through the education of others might address your lack of self-direction.
Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost
151–160 of 452 posts
Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost
#152People who are not lost are probably delusional.
First thing to recommend if you haven't already is to become a student of psychology. YouTube is pretty helpful with this. Some insight into what your brain firmware is up to and why you feel one way or another can be useful. Probably drop the therapist since this was their job and they appear to have failed.
It may be that your self worth has been bound up in ascending a ramp of mastery. This works well until around your age which is the point where you've pretty much learned everything. The ramp flattened out and now your self-worth is abating as a result. If that's the case, adding new mastery challenges "just because" can help. Learn how to weld. Buy a bulldozer. Figure out Representation Theory. Doesn't matter what it is, only needs to be something your brain recognizes as difficult and it doesn't have to be work-related.
This also may simply pass with time. Once you're 10 years past the point of learning and understanding and doing everything, it's less of a big deal. In other words there isn't the continuous decline you perceive coming. More like a flat plateau.
Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost
#153Sorry you feel that way, I'll try to be frank here, if my advice isn't useful, just don't take it. I know a few people exactly like you, that like to boost about how well off they are and that are depressed and sad, but they treat life as it is a game of competition, this is why they usually start by displaying how "they've won", but in reality they were the only ones that were silly enough to only think about work.…
> but in reality they were the only ones that were silly enough to only think about work A lot of people find passion + work align. It's ok not to waste your time watching TV, sports, playing games, art, and all that stuff people do to distract them from life. It is ok for your hobby to be work. There are just enough people who aren't driven to work, that it bothers them. I can work 10 hours every day, and enjoy work…
Time you enjoy wasting is not time wasted.
just because you feel work is the only thing that gives you purpose doesn't mean it's the only thing. Having material goods and producing material goods for others isn't the only purpose in life and a majority of people will not find true happiness out of this.
It doesn't mean that laziness is the way to go, but viewing having hobby's that don't produce something as a bad thing is an awful outlook on life and just makes you a slave to others.
Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost
#154My father just retired from 35 years of "hard work" as a bread man. Driving around to grocery stores. Managing orders. Slinging bread onto shelves.
I say "hard work" in quotes because, as he puts it, he never had to make any decisions. He just showed up, did the work, went home. Yes, it was physically demanding, but you have to be pretty stupid to get it wrong (and yet, somehow, some of his coworkers did, but I digress).
He's going through a depression right now, and it's 100% not knowing what to do with himself. He doesn't have anyone to tell him what to do. He's 60 years old this year and has not lacked someone giving him orders since he was 18 years old and joined the Army.
I'm going on 20 years as a software developer. I've helped him on his route before. He's helped me build sales tracking databases. So we've gotten to have a bit of a peek into each other's worlds. We've had a lot of conversations about the nature of work. Being a software developer is a lot "harder" than being a ditch digger. As a manual laborer, you show up, do your job, go home. It might be physically demanding, but your body eventually adapts. You get stronger. You tolerate the pain better. Baring physical injury, you just keep on trucking.
But software development never gets easier. Nobody knows what is the "right" solution to any problem. Any particular task is potentially unbounded in the time it takes to complete it. You're always working at the limit of your understanding. Indeed, if you aren't, you're wasting time. And that's just the technical portion of the craft. There's also the office politics (which, BTW, blow my dad's mind. He says he's seen people get punched for far less than I've experienced in an office environment).
Or, at least, that's the ideal. I think, anyway. In reality, a lot of people treat software development more like ditch-digging than what I've described. Show up, do what you're told, body molds itself to chair.
How do you tell the difference between just showing up vs. actually doing the real, hard work of having to make risky decisions that might not pay off? I think a good litmus test is, in all that time, working at startups, working for other people, did you ever do anything for yourself? Did you ever make a decision--of any kind, on anything--that was not based on your expectation of how someone else would evaluate it? Your cofounders, your investors, the market, etc.?
In other words, are you the kind of person who gets bored and A) complains about it, or B) finds a box of crayons and some paper? Because option A is looking for orders.
Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost
#155Have children
Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost
#156You sound burned out. Why don't you take a year off, travel, meet people and friends think about your life? You don't really need the money anyway.
Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost
#157Earlier quoted context omitted.
> but in reality they were the only ones that were silly enough to only think about work A lot of people find passion + work align. It's ok not to waste your time watching TV, sports, playing games, art, and all that stuff people do to distract them from life. It is ok for your hobby to be work. There are just enough people who aren't driven to work, that it bothers them. I can work 10 hours every day, and enjoy work…
> It's ok not to waste your time watching TV, sports, playing games, art Art?
Basically he's someone who only finds value by producing economic value for someone else. Their own wants, desires etc have no value to someone else so therefor should not be pursued. It's a pretty fucked up view of what life should be. I'm sure they're someone that views old people as having absolutely no value in life as well.
Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost
#158What are you trying to prove? And to who?
My guess (armchair psychology and know nothing about you) is that someone made your inner child feel sad and "not good enough". If you can find that kid in you and feel/sooth the pain it will free you from trying so hard to reach an elusive goal. Then you can figure out what you actually want and persue that.
No, I'm not projecting I've seen this before. My own inner pain and outward manifestation was different ;-)
Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost
#159Have you considered going back to school to pursue something more aligned with your interests/passion, or even a general program that lets you figure things out?
There are many midcareer programs operated by business schools, as well as specialized terminal degrees in technical and creative fields. I took such a route at age 40 ... going back to school full-time at that age was a shock to many people I knew, but it was the right thing for me. It really opened up a range of new possibilities, and introduced me to people from all over the world and from industries I would otherwise have never encountered.
Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost
#160Sorry you feel that way, I'll try to be frank here, if my advice isn't useful, just don't take it. I know a few people exactly like you, that like to boost about how well off they are and that are depressed and sad, but they treat life as it is a game of competition, this is why they usually start by displaying how "they've won", but in reality they were the only ones that were silly enough to only think about work.…
Echoing what other commenters are saying. Depression takes many forms, and some of them allow you to still function. Just like some people can be a high functioning alcoholic, some people can hold down a job and achieve high levels of professional success while everything else in their life is crumbling to their depression.
There's also like 5 classes of antidepressant drugs, and several more that don't fall into a specific class. Each class has several options. If the first one doesn't work for you, that doesn't mean the next wont. The biological causes of depression aren't well understood and it's trial and error to find one that works for you. I would encourage people who are depressed to talk with their doctor, and find a medication that works for them. And don't be afraid to tell your doctor one isn't working, they won't be surprised.
Depression isn't one size fits all, and the meds for it aren't either.