Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

I'm terribly sorry to hear how she treated you. It's a cliche, but as someone who has spent years recovering from such an experience, it's about her not you. It's amazing how hard things make us stronger, we'd never ask for them, but they also bring us places we may never have gotten to without the adversity.

It sounds like you're on a good path though, Stay strong bro.

Thanks for creating this thread. It's always good to hear how other people in other parts of the world are doing. Sorry to hear you're having a hard time.

I'm about to turn 39, live in northern England. I've got a daughter who's almost 14 who lives nearby with her mother. Have had a brief marriage when I was living (it up) in Australia about 8 years ago, that ended in divorce almost immediately, but que sera sera. Have had a string of other relationships that all turned sour because of my defects of character, and circumstances being not quite right. Have never had the talent or opportunity to make a success of business.

I'm now about to finish the third year of a philosophy degree, at the university in my hometown. Has taken me five years to get through, in part because of sobriety issues before coming to university after a relationship that left me really traumatised, and falling off the wagon at the end of my 1st-year of study following the needless and horrific suicide of a 19yo fellow student, who went home after our final class of symbolic logic before the summer break and was dead before midnight. (RIP Ceara). Then while recovering I bought a motorbike and got knocked off by a taxi, and ended up in hospital with three broken limbs.

Why am I telling you this? Because as a philosopher and practicing zen Buddhist there's a message you can tell yourself to get some perspective:

Your life doesn't have to look like anything.

Reading your comment I feel that you have some sort of expectation of how your life should be, and then an expectation of how you should feel. I believe "should" is perhaps one of the most unhelpful words in the English language. Yet I feel for you at the same time - when we set goals like succeeding in business or taking care of adulting, it always seems like there should be some sort of payoff and relief at the end, and the tragedy is that if it does come, it's extremely fleeting. The day you sell your business there's a great party and much joy, but then the next day comes "what now?" It's a cruel part of the human condition that our desiring centre's main desire is to satisfy it's own desire, can't actually be satisfied - attempts to satisfy it just lead to it homeostatically adjusting it's desiring level upwards to a new baseline. So while striving for your goals, having met them and very much sorted your life out logistically, it's not surprising that you feel lost.

I think it's a case of perspective, however, that you "feel" like you've hit your zenith though. In some senses that might be right, but if you go into the feeling - check your body and work out "what does this feel like?" you may find that it's not a feeling at all, but just another idea and thought you're telling yourself. It's worth spending the time working out what your feelings are compared to what your thoughts about your feelings are, for me those are often very different things. At 44, you have a long future ahead of you. Consider the idea that teenagers can become great guitarists or artists from scratch within 20 years. You could choose to develop a whole new skillset by the time you're 60. There's a world of opportunity open to you, so try to think that all your efforts have just got you to this point, and that's pretty great, and you have the gift of time and having sorted out your life that probably 90% of the rest of the planet hasn't achieved yet.

So I'd advise looking in to some new goals and things you'd enjoy for the next phase of your life, things that don't necessarily have any sort of commercial or financial "end" in mind. Something genuinely new that you can be challenged by, even if it makes you "feel" awful and go "f*k I'm shit at this and it's not going to change very quickly until I get good at it". Also a good time to really value your beautiful wife something many people would give an arm or a leg for (you say "The Wife" which I get is a bit of fun, but also could indicate a lack of connection and valuing of her, opposed to saying "my gorgeous loving wife"). I'd advise abandoning ideas that any drugs or pills are going to change anything for you. What you're suffering with is the human condition, in a western society, not an illness that needs to be drugged. A good long holiday away from smartphones, tech, and goals also seems like something you'd enjoy, and probably deserve.

Fingers crossed things change for you. I'm sure you have the resources within to make that happen.

Outside of your professional life, what have you accomplished? Are you artistic in any way? Are you still a good student? Do you think you could be a good teacher? You can build companies, but can you build furniture?

I've been giving the advice for years that actually planning for what you'll do past retirement is as important than having all the money you'll need. I've seen my parents and in-laws struggle with mental health issues and boredom more than they have ran out of money. I'm refusing to do that, I found 3 things that I really love and working on turning those into third careers go keep myself busy. The 3 things are teaching yoga, personal training for people over 50, and becoming a divemaster.

Sorry you feel that way, I'll try to be frank here, if my advice isn't useful, just don't take it.

I know a few people exactly like you, that like to boost about how well off they are and that are depressed and sad, but they treat life as it is a game of competition, this is why they usually start by displaying how "they've won", but in reality they were the only ones that were silly enough to only think about work.

What do you like to do outside of work, that isn't some sort of addiction, such as gaming, gambling and doesn't give some kind of thrill that you also get in business and while making money? Try to spend more time doing those things.

Also to say those things to your wife and come here and say is load, makes me believe you don't respect her at all. What does your therapist say about this?

You've decided to waste the best years of your life working a lot and making money, and now you fail to appreciate the things you've conquered etc. At your age, there is still a lot of things you can do. Now there is still a lot of golden days, but it will never be like you were 20, for sure.

Such as, if you try to skate, every fall will hurt much more than when you were young and take longer to recover. Same is for playing an instrument, will take much longer to learn. We are like fruits, eventually we will get rotten.

Also the way you talk about depression seems like you want to hide behind it. Honestly depressed people can't get shit done as you do, I live with somebody with it and they can't wake up, have a business or deal with commitments as you've done, to me it seems you are mostly sad because you want to always be on a peak, winning, sort of like a cocaine addict, hence my earlier comment about addiction.

A therapist can help with that, invest on more sessions and if the current one isn't working, find a new one.