Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

If it helps at all, my 40s were my favorite decade so far. You sound like a person who really has a tremendous amount to offer. You just need to figure out what you want to do and what gives you joy. I am not a magical genius who can figure that out for you, but since you can definitely afford it, I'd agree with the folks who are suggesting a vacation or some kind of volunteer work.

You mention how much of your life you have devoted to your professional development. Perhaps it's time to be selfish and think just about you and your personal development.

I also don't think ketamine, or psilocybin, would be a bad idea. Many people have gotten lasting benefit, and relief from depression, out of those substances. If you do try one of them, do so in a peaceful, controlled setting, with a very trusted person around. And a lot of art materials! ;)

There are probably a lot of parameters to a solution that will work for you. Having had similar periods in my life, while I'm waiting for a resolution I've always found small physical projects that I see through to completion to be a great way to wait. When you complete something, it provides something positive to you, neurologically and thereby emotionally.

It may seem silly, but at least for me, tilling a new garden, building a small physical thing, doing some task that's physically taxing and I can see through has been great while waiting for the end of my larger difficulty. It won't solve all your problems, as implied above, but it could be a good stop gap while you're looking for solutions. Your therapist (or a new one if this one doesn't work out) could provide long-term solutions I'd hope.

You're not alone, friend. You will get there -- I've done it a number of times (though in my case, without the money part figured out; well done in that regard!).

Fortunately you are in an excellent position to be able to just stop everything and think long and hard on what will make you happy.

Myself personally and I imagine a lot of other people out there are in the same boat, minus the money to be able to stop and reflect.

Make some changes. Maybe some will be the wrong ones, fine, keep doing it.

First off, sorry to hear this! It sounds like you're really having a tough time.

Second, I think that this search for meaning is not unique to you, nor to modern people. We've been doing this for millennia. Religion, philosophy, stoicism, psychology, they all try to answer the question: how do I live a good life?

I don't know you, but I'll give you the answer that I'd give a friend who came to me with this question.

* Find a therapist who works for you. This may involve trying many different ones. If you try 10 and none work, maybe therapy isn't for you, but having someone who is paid to listen to you can be very helpful. Since you know you have depression, find someone to help you with that (which may involve trialing different medications). This is foundational and none of my other advice will be helpful if you don't do this. This post from a leading VC may prove helpful: https://feld.com/archives/2015/04/bringing-depression-shadow...

* Find something bigger than yourself and your achievements to work for. Sibling comments suggest volunteering, I'd be more specific. What are you interested in? Coding?: volunteer at a school or bootcamp and teach folks to code. History?: volunteer at a museum. The outdoors? volunteer at a park. Commit to the volunteering for at least 6 months and treat it like a job because it will be providing what a job might have done in the past: a firm sense of purpose.

* Find some non-work groups to hang out in. This could be sports clubs, civic groups (Odd Fellows, Elks, Rotary Club, etc), book clubs, etc etc. This regular, non work focused socializing will help give your life some richness. I just saw this video and one thing that stood out to me was how relationships with others can give our lives meaning: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6WZuLKOa6k

OP is in therapy, where you learn various techniques to manage whatever specific issues you're encountering.

What the meds do is make it easier to employ those techniques.

So while there is no wonder pill that will solve your issues, in certain cases if used properly they will definitely help.

I say this so that OP isn't discouraged from taking drugs because of comments of this variety that say true happiness comes from within - while it does, there are certainly things (like therapy and medication) that can at least put you on the right path. Like everything else, there can be a lot of trial and error to find the right ones.