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A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

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Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#391

Post by giantg2 »

atq2119 wrote: post #379
giantg2 wrote: post #100

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My wife put some water in the microwave for tea and left the room. When it was done, I put the tea ball in it and set the timer for her. Thinking that she would be back in the room in a few minutes and the timer would let her know it was ready. Instead of thank you for starting her tea, I was told I was "too controlling". Ok... I guess I won't do nice random things like start your tea from now on.

Just brainstorming here, but perhaps it was tea that she wanted to prepare herself, and the problem may have been that you "muscled your way into" a course of action that she wanted to be hers. Your analysis of the situation is problematic when you write: "I guess I won't do nice random things like start your tea from now on ." It was your wife who started the tea-making process, not you. To somebody who already feel…

I asked her for more info, but she couldn't elaborate. I don't think it was about her wanting to put the tea ball in (the tea was already in the ball from my cup, and she could put in how much honey or sugar she wanted when it was ready).

The conclusion was mistated. I meant I just won't make her tea unless she asks. If it make her made and she can't tell me why, then I'm just going to avoid that situation.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#392

Post by jeffrallen »

NortySpock wrote: post #48

"Is this hill worth dieing on?" is a question I occasionally ask myself. Other ways to put it: "Would taking 10 seconds to do this now make my wife 1% less stressed?" (If so, do the thing to make her less stressed.) "Is it worth starting a fight vs spending the same time just fixing the problem?" "Would spending $COST_OF_THING make my wife happy for a day / make a fond memory of us together?" (Hence why I encourage m…

Buy flowers. They are pretty.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#393

Post by willcipriano »

belval wrote: post #227
pcthrowaway wrote: post #203

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…

Honestly from the description you give, I wouldn't assign blame but it was probably the right call to break it off. 6 hours arguments that need to happen right now are a pretty big red flag...

It wouldn't be a six hour argument if he just said "You are right, I'll clean up after myself".

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#394

Post by giantg2 »

dragonwriter wrote: post #341
giantg2 wrote: post #156

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You don't understand, I already do the shopping/cooking and the mechanic work. Outsourcing costs a lot of money. Plus, if the point of switching is to appreciate the labor of the other person, then outsourcing defeats the purpose. My point is, some tasks may not be equally suited for both people in the relationship.

> Plus, if the point of switching is to appreciate the labor of the other person, then outsourcing defeats the purpose. Locating, finding, and managing interaction with appropriate help is labor, too. And it's often a better way of getting the job done, even if the immediately obvious monetary cost is higher.

"Locating, finding, and managing interaction with appropriate help is labor, too."

But not the same kind. And really it's minimal once you find a good shop.

"And it's often a better way of getting the job done, even if the immediately obvious monetary cost is higher."

How so? If I can save $500-2k on maintenance costs every year, that's significant.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#396

Post by 0xbadcafebee »

k0k0r0 wrote: post #382
a_puppy wrote: post #275

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is an interesting point of view. I don't know enough about their relationship to know whether that's what was going on. But, I do want to point out something else in your comment: > She now has to wash and put away the glass. No she doesn't. She can just leave it there. She can leave her own glasses there, too. The pressure to keep the counter clean isn't coming from the husband. He doesn't give a damn how many…

I don't entirely agree with the framing of this comment, but I'd like to share an expierience which is related. A couple of years into our relationship my significant other finally realized, that if she wants me to do specific tasks in our household, then thats her desire and not mine. I.e. that I for example leave "a mess behind in the kitchen" since I am totally fine with that, and its only her desire to have a cle…

> she mostly starts negotiating rules that we both can agree upon instead of starting a fight

If only more people did this in all walks of life. Rather than get angry at teammates when they do something that annoys us, we can negotiate a mutually beneficial working agreement. We need to have the courage and self-control to approach these conversations when we see friction, and ask for compromise rather than demand change. And we need to have good faith.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#397

Post by dijonman2 »

ksdale wrote: post #390
MrFantastic wrote: post #360

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's ironic to me when women choose successful ambitious men to marry and then complain these same keep striving to climb up the corporate ranks.

Marrying a successful, ambitious man does not, in any way, mean that a woman should defer completely to every single career decision a man makes. I'm sure this executive's schedule was already plenty demanding without the burden of moving to another country.

If the man is providing for the household then I’d argue that the woman should make every reasonable effort to support her husband.

Everything changes all the time without exception. Getting used to change serves everyone.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#398

Post by giantg2 »

aidenn0 wrote: post #338
giantg2 wrote: post #162

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I enjoy cooking new stuff. She's completely uninterested in learning.

It's funny, my wife has literally zero interest in learning computer programming in any way. I found that a bit odd, as I'd like to at least learn enough about anything she spends more than, say, 20 hours a week doing so that I can nod in the right places when she complains. Talking with my friend group, nobody found it even the slightest bit odd. You say your wife has no interest in cooking and everybody loses their…

"people are probably better programmers than cooks, on average."

Maybe. I think cooking is just a different type of programming, with neat hacks, syntax to follow, etc. Garbage in, garbage out is especially applicable too.

Also, who is losing their mind over my wife not cooking?

I believe everyone who eats should know how to cook at least a few basic things. Just like anyone who wears clothes should know how to wash them. Etc

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#399

Post by jeffrallen »

LegitShady wrote: post #84
NortySpock wrote: post #48

"Is this hill worth dieing on?" is a question I occasionally ask myself. Other ways to put it: "Would taking 10 seconds to do this now make my wife 1% less stressed?" (If so, do the thing to make her less stressed.) "Is it worth starting a fight vs spending the same time just fixing the problem?" "Would spending $COST_OF_THING make my wife happy for a day / make a fond memory of us together?" (Hence why I encourage m…

> "Would taking 10 seconds to do this now make my wife 1% less stressed?" An addition to this unrelated to marriage - if it takes 10 seconds, why isn't it already done instead of considering whether to do it or not? I have a personal rule that unless I have another issue that requires attention right now (like working from home being work time, etc) If it take 5 minutes or less to do it I just do it right away and ne…

The other day my wife said, "Ugh, I hate it when you run the dishwasher during the day, because then I have to empty it before filling it."

Sometimes you cannot win. But it's still a game worth playing: being married is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#400

Post by dijonman2 »

jeffrallen wrote: post #383
MrFantastic wrote: post #360

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's ironic to me when women choose successful ambitious men to marry and then complain these same keep striving to climb up the corporate ranks.

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