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A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

theatlantic.com

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Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#321

Post by AlwaysRock »

perpetuummobile wrote: post #146
AlwaysRock wrote: post #139

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're wrong because you've bucketed half the global population either because of your blissful ignorance or because your personal anecdotal, likely very limited data and sample size, supports your belief.

I’m sorry but I’m not blissful about it. Women bad ha ha… not. What else do I have to go by than my own personal experience? Self help book? You have no idea what weight my sample has given the constant emotional and physical abuse I have to deal with.

You asked to be pointed out where you are wrong, and then you argued with the responses given.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#322

Post by [deleted] »

jayski wrote: post #24

Im 99% sure the wife in this story used the glass as an excuse to get out. If youre happy with the life youve built together and love your partner theres no way you leave it over something like this. I dont buy the "it shows disrespect" argument. Shes going to be with somebody else in a years time. But when youre in a bad situation and the other person isn't giving you a good reason to leave sometimes you have to get…

[deleted]

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#323

Post by ramses0 »

j79 wrote: post #6
dazc wrote: post #3

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Be blind to his/her faults is generally good advice, so long as they are minor irritations.

When my wife and I started dating, we stumbled across this video which I like to recommend to friends and family: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1tCAXVsClw The speaker talks about the "Price of Admission" when it comes to relationships. We consider these "minor irritations" as the Price of Admission :)

I've recommended that video to near 100 people, it's so heartfelt and insightful.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#324

Post by scarby2 »

Goronmon wrote: post #299
a_puppy wrote: post #275

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is an interesting point of view. I don't know enough about their relationship to know whether that's what was going on. But, I do want to point out something else in your comment: > She now has to wash and put away the glass. No she doesn't. She can just leave it there. She can leave her own glasses there, too. The pressure to keep the counter clean isn't coming from the husband. He doesn't give a damn how many…

No she doesn't. She can just leave it there. She can leave her own glasses there, too. I'm having a hard time following the logic here. You agree that at some point someone has to do the dishes, correct? We can assume based on the article that the wife is the one doing the dishes. So, that means every time the husband leaves dishes out he is making more work for his wife than if he just put his dishes in the dishwash…

> We can assume based on the article that the wife is the one doing the dishes. So, that means every time the husband leaves dishes out he is making more work for his wife than if he just put his dishes in the dishwasher.

Not necessarily the reasoning that it may be re-used is valid, also it may be that he would eventually put it in the dishwasher when the dishwasher is ready to be run. They could probably have come to an agreement that there was a specific spot that one singular glass can chill out (maybe not even in the kitchen).

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#326

Post by kapral18 »

pcthrowaway wrote: post #203

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…

When you are the only one paying for apartment, hobbies and school, since those "minor" things are out of her mind she has all the time and energy to ngaf about it and bloat her ego, manipulate and gaslight you into thinking you are not good enough boyfriend... husband... father...

These are classic manipulation tricks of narcissists.

And the fact that she allows herself to engage in a 6 hour argument during workdays knowing or not caring that it will absolutely fuck up your entire focus and ability to concentrate for days and bring you closer and closer to burnout and not being able to actually work speaks volumes on how much she cares about you and what she is after in these relationships in general.

She doesn't want an equal she wants a servant. She wants a slave. Both physically and emotionally. Every second... She defines the rules of the game and you obey and play. It's a given. Your whole life with her is her play...

Ugh... I say F that life.

You need to celebrate the day you dodged that bullet. Not everyone has a mental courage to throw those human-sized parasites out of their lives.

People can live 40 years blaming themselves for not satisfying narcissists enough, they reshape their whole identities and morale in the process trying to shove themselves into a shape that will hopefully satisfy ever evolving demands of a narc and never getting satisfied with their lives in the process or becoming self-enclosed philosophers but in most cases just plain miserable...

They finally divorce, while the narcissist will happily jump onto the next victim berating and destroying the personality of the previous victim ignoring the fact that that person's whole life and identity was a sacrifice on the altar of the "wants" of a literal demon.

It's a vicious cycle.

Narcissists should be pariahs in any social circle. Their ability to deliver huge amounts of damage and mess somebody up mentally for years is so underrated that I believe whoever comes in contact with such a person has an obligation to not only immediately jump out of that relationship but also warn others about that person.

Just like coming in contact with COVID you tell others around you about the danger, you should do exactly the same about narcissists.

I wish you all the best and hope now you are more than well equipped to spot these creatures.

And don't forget to transfer the knowledge to your children to break the circle.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#327

Post by ww520 »

pcthrowaway wrote: post #203

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…

Argument forced on you for hours of time during work hours because your partner wanted it now sounds horrible. She is an entitled narcissist who has no respect for you, your time, and your work. Congrats on dodging a bullet by moving out.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#328

Post by ww520 »

kapral18 wrote: post #326
pcthrowaway wrote: post #203

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…

When you are the only one paying for apartment, hobbies and school, since those "minor" things are out of her mind she has all the time and energy to ngaf about it and bloat her ego, manipulate and gaslight you into thinking you are not good enough boyfriend... husband... father... These are classic manipulation tricks of narcissists. And the fact that she allows herself to engage in a 6 hour argument during workdays…

Well said.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#329

Post by avidiax »

Goronmon wrote: post #299
a_puppy wrote: post #275

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is an interesting point of view. I don't know enough about their relationship to know whether that's what was going on. But, I do want to point out something else in your comment: > She now has to wash and put away the glass. No she doesn't. She can just leave it there. She can leave her own glasses there, too. The pressure to keep the counter clean isn't coming from the husband. He doesn't give a damn how many…

No she doesn't. She can just leave it there. She can leave her own glasses there, too. I'm having a hard time following the logic here. You agree that at some point someone has to do the dishes, correct? We can assume based on the article that the wife is the one doing the dishes. So, that means every time the husband leaves dishes out he is making more work for his wife than if he just put his dishes in the dishwash…

I think the logic here is that it does not:

A) Need to be done now B) Need to be done by the husband C) A & B

If it's just a water glass, I'd not be surprised if the husband intends to (or would) reuse it from its position on the counter, hence the entire dishwasher->cupboard cycle is superfluous from the husband's point of view.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#330

Post by incomingpain »

avidiax wrote: post #307
incomingpain wrote: post #280

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I read this and feel like I'm the bad guy and I don't understand how. I'm the breadwinner. I pay 100% of the bills, excluding the 'I went to buy potato chips and ice cream' I WFH so I also tend to do the majority of chores. Which when I get burnt out or get sick I don't get as many chores done and the house goes to shit. Only ending up punishing myself really. I also have to 100% of the time decide what's for dinner…

It's time to ask your partner how they feel about the relationship, what they value in your contributions, and what they feel they are contributing, and vice-versa. This is a way for you to learn if you are undervaluing your partner's contributions, or if they think/know that they are free-riding.

I hear you and I'm afraid of the answer. I am extremely conflict averse.

I sit at the dinner table hoping to talk every night. She's busy scrolling facebook. Yes sometimes I end up on my phone as well, but I actively make the effort to be there to talk.

>you are undervaluing your partner's contributions

I am a big believer in legitimate praise and even giving compliments to strangers. Though obviously stearing clear of flattery and fakeness.

Once in a while she does find the energy to do something. I always notice and say something positive.

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