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I need to stop being boring

patzhong.com

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Re: I need to stop being boring

#241

Post by folkrav »

rdtwo wrote: post #222
folkrav wrote: post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Everyone I know who has kids is bored: they've given up on their side projects and resigned themselves to jobs they constantly complain about but can't leave because they need to support their family. Bored and giving up side-projects are two different things. I did give up side-projects after having my son, but it's far from being boring. As for the job thing... I guess you don't frequent that many people with kid…

I’m bored, starting at my phone while my kid snacks or does activities… so yeah

By that metric I could say the same of literally everything I do in life. Being bored at times is just normal... Meanwhile I go outside with my son, race down the street, or just kick a ball, and watching him laugh isn't boring at all. YMMV.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#242

Post by Elte »

HFguy wrote: post #81
Elte wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I may be like one of your boring unfulfilled friends, except I have a single hobby that makes me feel a sense of purpose, whereas very few other things in my life ever really have. On a rational level, it seems to me that having kids will add a sense of purpose to my life, given how many people share this perspective. At the same time, thinking about the time and effort I will be forced to take away from the thing th…

What is the hobby?

(Sorry for the late reply - while I appreciate no notifications from HN it also means I tend to just forget about it).

The hobby is sports. I'm relatively gifted as a "hybrid" athlete, if I work hard at it I can get podium finishes at OCR / Hyrox type events. I'd still do it without that though, it produces an emotional state that, while not taking away the rational thought that there's ultimately not much purpose to anything that I do, makes me not really care about that at all. Makes things make sense even when they don't.

However, the fact that it (a) combines really poorly with a lack of sleep and (b) has an expiration date (athletic ability is of course age bound) do contribute to the sense of dread.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#243

Post by Elte »

Volrath89 wrote: post #116
Elte wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I may be like one of your boring unfulfilled friends, except I have a single hobby that makes me feel a sense of purpose, whereas very few other things in my life ever really have. On a rational level, it seems to me that having kids will add a sense of purpose to my life, given how many people share this perspective. At the same time, thinking about the time and effort I will be forced to take away from the thing th…

What hobby?

Commented below on somebody else asking the same :).

Re: I need to stop being boring

#244

Post by Elte »

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #124
Elte wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I may be like one of your boring unfulfilled friends, except I have a single hobby that makes me feel a sense of purpose, whereas very few other things in my life ever really have. On a rational level, it seems to me that having kids will add a sense of purpose to my life, given how many people share this perspective. At the same time, thinking about the time and effort I will be forced to take away from the thing th…

> At the same time, thinking about the time and effort I will be forced to take away from the thing that keeps me sane fills me with dread. It's not like there's a way back. YMMV and don’t let my experience be your only guide But I had the same exact feeling. After the first year or two (infant stage is tough, no denying it) I’m actually right back to my hobbies just as before. It takes more planning now to do the we…

Thanks. It'll happen sooner or later, my girlfriend strongly wishes to be a parent and will probably murder me in my sleep if I back out now ;).

I know I'll likely figure it out, as I have everything in my life so far. That doesn't prevent that dread from creeping up, though.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#245

Post by nicolas_t »

pm90 wrote: post #232
rackjack wrote: post #183

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Easy to say this when you don't have 1 billion people also gunning for the opportunities you want (maybe less since they're in Hong Kong and not the mainland)

There’s definitely a lot of competition but 1 Billion is probably not the right number. From the Wikipedia page for the examination required to get into Universities in HK, the number of test takers in 2020 is: 52,687 [0]. This doesn’t include students using international exams to get in, but that seems to be a fraction of this number. Still very challenging but not 1 billion challenging. [0]: https://en.m.wikipedia.…

Acceptance rate to the top HK university for locals is around 10% which is actually not that competitive and easier to get in than the average Ivy league universities (in addition to being cheaper).

There are 14 universities in Hong Kong of which 4 are well ranked. I would say the chances of getting into a decent university for HKers is actually much easier than for Mainland Chinese students.

There are some traditional families who feel the need to do a lot of extra curricular activities and tuition just so that there kid can go into the three prestigious subjects of law, medicine and finance but that's not all families.

Re: I need to stop being boring

#246

Post by Volrath89 »

Elte wrote: post #242
HFguy wrote: post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What is the hobby?

(Sorry for the late reply - while I appreciate no notifications from HN it also means I tend to just forget about it). The hobby is sports. I'm relatively gifted as a "hybrid" athlete, if I work hard at it I can get podium finishes at OCR / Hyrox type events. I'd still do it without that though, it produces an emotional state that, while not taking away the rational thought that there's ultimately not much purpose to…

Yes I was going to mention just that. Having children will make your life purposeful probably forever? While your hobby has an expiration date and you'll still have many years left.

But now that I think about it, it's the same with children. When a 30 year old parent hits the 50 year old mark his children would likely be already left from home. So it's almost the same, still many years left.

PD: No notifications from HN is great. Nothing will happen if you forget to answer to an stranger on the internet. I'd have forgotten to check your response if I hadn't manually be looking for something in my own comments' history

Re: I need to stop being boring

#247

Post by leaflets2 »

k_sze wrote: post #141
pavlov wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m a parent of two children and most of the time I’m extremely bored and struggling for motivation. My older child is a pre-teen constantly screaming and raging about the tiniest things. It’s a tremendous energy drain. But the children are certainly not the reason for my lurking depression: it was there before I had kids, and being a parent hasn’t magically transformed my life with meaning. These things are roughly…

Same struggle. Except my elder daughter isn't "screaming and raging about the tiniest things" (yet). She's just... a total mess at a few things (self-motivation, self-awareness, responsibility, tact), constantly getting chastized by my wife. I don't have fun with my kids. I have no more friend in real life (even before the pandemic). I can't even play computer games when I want to because my kids take too darn long t…

> Even weekends are basically more studying and extra-curricular classes for my kids (ballet, phonics, mental math, painting)

Do they enjoy doing all these things? Thinking back to when I was a kid, I would rather have spent the time with friends, doing unplanned nothing special things.

I wonder if they don't actually have a weekend, instead, they have "work-end"?

What if both you and they would be happier, if you cancelled some of the extracurricular things.

Maybe they find things themselves to do -- for example, as a kid I bought books about software, and taught myself. But if you've decided that they are to learn painting etc (which is fun too I think :-)) then, maybe there's not much time left for them to decide?

Just some thoughts, what do I know. And I've made some guesses / assumptions about your situation, maybe they're incorrect

Edit: now i see you've in a way partly replied here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30933886

Re: I need to stop being boring

#248

Post by leaflets2 »

cultofmetatron wrote: post #217
k_sze wrote: post #154

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Why do you feel the need to do so many extra-curricular activities related to child education? Because this is Hong Kong, and if you want to get into a good high school, and then a good university later in life, this is what you do here, unless either A) your kid has really high IQ and would skip years or B) you are rich and don't mind just paying your way through international schools. My kids are not case A), and…

sounds like a dystopian nightmare. Makes me glad to live in a country where not getting into the best school doesn't automatically doom you to a lifetime of failure.

I don't even know what schools in the country where I live, are considered the best :-) I just picked the closest uni (worked out fine. This is in northern Europe)

Re: I need to stop being boring

#249

Post by gfxgirl »

Kluny wrote: post #166
gfxgirl wrote: post #156

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sounds like you have good kids. Congratulations. I know parents with good kids and I know way more parents with bad kids. The parents with good kids will generally claim they did a better job raising their kids. The parents with bad kids will generally claim the good parents just got lucky. Me, I can't tell. I certainly see most (not all) parents with bad kids doing things that IMO help make their kid bad. Of course…

Can you really describe kids or parents with any kind of meaning using a binary "good" and "bad"? Aren't most people great in situations that suit them and allow them to thrive and use their skills and talents, and bad in situations where they don't have the tools to be successful?

sorry, maybe bad and good we're the wrong words. What I meant was kids who are easy and plesent to be with vs kids who whine and make trouble constantly. kids who are cooperative vs kids who resist every small thing. kids who can volunteerly put down the screen and interact with people and the present situation/activity vs those that can't

Re: I need to stop being boring

#250

Post by ix101 »

silicon2401 wrote: post #240
TaupeRanger wrote: post #224

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Of course you aren't concerned NOW...in 30 or 40 years you certainly will be. But then, you appear to be a nihilistic antinatalist, so there are clearly other issues at play here.

> you appear to be a nihilistic antinatalist, so there are clearly other issues at play here. The only issue I see is you taking the way others live their lives so personally lol > Of course you aren't concerned NOW...in 30 or 40 years you certainly will be. Looks like you've never met people who are happy without having kids. Meet some and come back to me, and I think our convo will be more productive

I suspect that people who haven't had kids will not like to admit that they have any regrets about their decision, just like you will rarely find a parent that will say they wish they hadn't had a child.

Once you're over a certain age you can't really change your mind. Some people decide to focus on their careers, but becoming a parent doesn't mean you won't reach your career goals.

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