Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

It contains a lot of advice.

Like:

- stop treating people like NPCs in game, because it makes you look like a simpleton not them - "scoring" is not the goal, living life is - being interesting as a person is much more than "working out", "playing guitar" - if you try to "score" you seem like desperate loser, people see right through it - amount of money in bank account does not mean much if you are desperate loser - people have emotions and it is most important part to understand to "win" in life

Agreed most heartily. I have sampled a whole range of stimulants from the mundane to the dangerous with good results. And other drugs too. Opium is fabulous. Psychedelics are deeply educational. I only wish I was introduced earlier.

Another thing that can be much easier while traveling if you have anxiety is dating. Like you said, there's the comfort in knowing that you'll never see any people there again if you so choose. But if there's also a language barrier, it removes any expectations of witty banter and flirtation that usually relies on familiarity with your local culture and social norms. And there's less pressure to be interesting -- just being a foreigner will often make you interesting to locals without even trying, at least a first.

In school, I used to be very shy to the point that I would almost never initiate a conversation with anyone who wasn't my friend. It was awkward but the shyness became my identity and I later became afraid to break that social image, even though it was mostly negative. I felt like everyone else was part of one cohesive hivemind and that they all understood and could relate to each other - I felt different; I didn't feel like I was a part of this hivemind and I couldn't connect with others in that way.

Later in college, I met more like-minded people and one of my friends used to say that the best way to overcome shyness is to intentionally try to humiliate yourself. I tied that out for myself and it helped a lot. I became a lot less shy over a few years but I still had the problem that I tried to please others. Also, I still didn't feel like I was part of the hivemind. I couldn't connect and interact with others with the same ease as they connected and interacted with each other.

10 years after finishing university, I had some very difficult career experiences. I encountered some really nasty people. Realizing how evil some people are helped me to get rid of my people-pleasing tendencies. Also, for some reason, nowadays it seems to have become impossible for me to humiliate myself by saying whatever comes to my mind. At work, I could share some really outlandish theories and ideas and it only made my colleagues treat me better and respect me more; this created a positive reinforcement which made me appear extroverted.

My personality did a full 180. I feel zero anxiety when talking to other people now, including large groups. I no longer have negative thoughts about myself like "I'm so dumb for having said that, it was so awkward" now I only judge other people, never myself. My self-confidence is very high now and I embrace any awkwardness.

My problem now is that people are sometimes intimidated by me because I always say what I think and I never follow any social convention or fear awkwardness.

This is going to be an unpopular comment, but...... Drugs and alcohol.

They made me aloof enough to not care about fitting in, which ironically made me into the person that everyone else thought was the cool kid, while also dumbing me down just enough to not overanalyze everything to the point of crippling social anxiety.

The end result was a more punk rock version of val Kilmer in real genius. I subsequently dropped out at 16, got 98th percentile on the GED in half the allotted time and became the youngest attendee of my music school. After that I floated through life until retiring with my wife and animals Thoreau style at the age of 30