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Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

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Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#431

Post by DyslexicAtheist »

I was like this in my younger years. I picked up work in a bar/pub for some time and it made me realize all people are idiots no matter their background. This solved maybe 90% of my issues and taught me to enjoy very extroverted lifestyle in comparison to who I was before (approach a girl, go dancing, public speaking, ask a question when nobody else would ...). It was such a confidence booster because I suddenly knew it would be 100% up to me to be good in something I always thought I sucked in. The rest 10% were edge-cases rooted in very specific childhood trauma and took another decade or so solve (it also required cutting these childhood triggers out of my life because they still wielded power over me - e.g.: parents.).

What worked was the number of times I exposed myself to be in these situations. I learned that the shy/awkward/insecure vibe I'm putting out made it difficult for the other party to be at ease too. I set myself up for failure simply by being the (shy) "me".

What worked for me (in hindsight) is exposing myself to such situations on purpose. I took every opportunity for a (spontaneous) conversation life offered. You could try something like "rejection therapy" (I did this very late and had a lot of fun discovering the areas I still had lots of work to do): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rejection_Therapy

Also what helped me was a few books about loving myself before expecting love from others (e.g. love is also "believing in"): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._Scott_Peck#The_Road_Less_Tr...

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#432

Post by moritonal »

laurent92 wrote: post #392
moritonal wrote: post #285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're referring to life as a game, and checking off a list of objectives. I might be wrong, but from just what you said it sounds like you did these "phases" because you wanted people to think you were these things, not because you were them. I've found people (especially woman) are good at seeing through these pretenses.

What tells you I wanted people to believe I were these things? I did guitar because it was nice to sing, and the idea of singing around a bonfire and maybe making people sing was just a good feeling. I sang the last song of a friend who died from cancer, and that was a song we had written together. He went for his last sleep on it, that’s the best departure I could imagine for him. Unfortunately, I plateaued at some…

I want to help, but you actually supported my point. You learnt guitar because you wanted the good feeling of people joining in you, which is the feeling of admiration.

You've supposedly been very successful and are caring of your friends, so I might be wrong of course. But it sounds like a case of socialmedia addiction along with incel-esk belief that if you matched a certain image, women would simply line up. You should do things because they are your passion.

To test this, is there a skill you're proud of and promote as your image that would not be seen as classically attractive? A stunning Pong score, a weirdly advance knowledge of B52 planes? A passion for fantasy books and their effect on the Mongolian peninsula?

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#433

Post by moritonal »

moritonal wrote: post #432
laurent92 wrote: post #392

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What tells you I wanted people to believe I were these things? I did guitar because it was nice to sing, and the idea of singing around a bonfire and maybe making people sing was just a good feeling. I sang the last song of a friend who died from cancer, and that was a song we had written together. He went for his last sleep on it, that’s the best departure I could imagine for him. Unfortunately, I plateaued at some…

I want to help, but you actually supported my point. You learnt guitar because you wanted the good feeling of people joining in you, which is the feeling of admiration. You've supposedly been very successful and are caring of your friends, so I might be wrong of course. But it sounds like a case of socialmedia addiction along with incel-esk belief that if you matched a certain image, women would simply line up. You s…

And I say all of this as someone who tried to learn guitar because I wanted to have that cool singing moment, but looking back I just wanted to be the center of attention. Which is very unattractive.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#434

Post by Gravyness »

baby wrote: post #374
cj wrote: post #164

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Quoted post unavailable.

> But none of those drugs will result in the long-term change that you’re looking for. Oh boy, I guess you have never taken drugs or drank alcohol?

Surely not, drugs are bad or so i've been told and I _never_ question what people have told me. Especially when I trust them because if I trust them then they are right by definition because I only trust people who are right.

And if you read that without noticing the sarcasm then just stay away from drugs.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#435

Post by specproc »

sph wrote: post #244
_asli wrote: post #87

Ecstasy. I had massive problems speaking with people. I ended up going to a rave with some friends, took some molly, had an amazing time talking to people and then realized that if I could do that with a drug then I could probably do it without a drug. (I haven’t done e in over a decade). I still had some issues with public speaking so during my mba I forced myself to give every presentation possible. This largely so…

Same here. As a shy guy in my 20s I went to a small club on 300mg of Ecstasy, and over 5 hours I introduced myself to pretty much everybody in the place, asked a random girl to dance and went backstage to chat in another language with the band. I just felt I was a human among other humans. At home among friends. I must've been pretty clearly high as a kite, but the lesson I learned that night is that people generally…

For anyone thinking of doing this, maybe I'm just being old and cautious, but 300mg is a lot to take in one go if you're new to it.

You'll get the full experience on 100. You can always take more, but never untake what you've had. My brother had a rough first time because he dropped with someone who was a bit of a warrior.

MDMA is a great drug, but best when used responsibly. I avoid alcohol with it these days too, makes for a much cleaner night and a better morning.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#436

Post by specproc »

trollied wrote: post #146
_asli wrote: post #87

Ecstasy. I had massive problems speaking with people. I ended up going to a rave with some friends, took some molly, had an amazing time talking to people and then realized that if I could do that with a drug then I could probably do it without a drug. (I haven’t done e in over a decade). I still had some issues with public speaking so during my mba I forced myself to give every presentation possible. This largely so…

> Note that mdma can kill you, especially if taken without experience. This is not an endorsement of drug taking. Alcohol is a bigger killer over time.

Yeah, MDMA ain't really something you can get addicted to in the long run. Diminishing returns over time kinda puts a stop to that.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#437

Post by febin »

I have been through this and these are things that helped me improve.

1. Show up

Make sure you show up instead of avoiding people and events. Initially it can be difficult. You may be worried if you would mess up the conversation. You might be anxious you would run out of words to talk to. And it might turn to be a little embarrassing, that's alright. Doing more and more of those interactions kills your inner fear. Getting past your fear is the first step.

2. Observe & Listen

Observe how other people talk. If you like the way someone approaches others, copy it. Imitate and see how it works out. Be observant on how others feel while you talk. Are they bored? Are they eager to talk more? Are they trying to move conversation to some other topic? Usually shy people are within their head too much they don't notice the environment and react to it.

3. Find something common

I connect with a person by finding something in common between me and that person. It could be politics, religion, engineering, events, etc etc. Find things you both care about, conversation will flow naturally.

4. Give Compliments

If you like something about a person, give them compliment. Tell them details of what you loved the most. Be specific.

It would take time, through multiple iterations, you will improve :)

Best wishes, I am confident you will be successful.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#438

Post by sph »

specproc wrote: post #435
sph wrote: post #244

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Same here. As a shy guy in my 20s I went to a small club on 300mg of Ecstasy, and over 5 hours I introduced myself to pretty much everybody in the place, asked a random girl to dance and went backstage to chat in another language with the band. I just felt I was a human among other humans. At home among friends. I must've been pretty clearly high as a kite, but the lesson I learned that night is that people generally…

For anyone thinking of doing this, maybe I'm just being old and cautious, but 300mg is a lot to take in one go if you're new to it. You'll get the full experience on 100. You can always take more, but never untake what you've had. My brother had a rough first time because he dropped with someone who was a bit of a warrior. MDMA is a great drug, but best when used responsibly. I avoid alcohol with it these days too, m…

Good call, I was aware it was a strong dose, but it was my 3rd roll at that point.

I agree with starting with 100–150mg, and my suggestion for harm reduction is to take 5-HTP for a few days after a trip to restore some of the depleted serotonin. The post-MDMA funk is real.

Also, never redose and never chase the dragon. You will never relive your first MDMA experience, so make it count and enjoy it.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#439

Post by bbert253 »

Pre-university, I worked in tech support at a dot-com startup. I was extremely shy and just calling hardware vendors caused me anxiety. During university, I worked at a games shop where I slowly opened up by interacting with the customers. I remained very shy with women but ended up meeting a girl there. When things ended 10 years later, I was shocked to find that I was still having difficulties in that respect.

I sought a book to help and picked up Models by Mark Manson, a book about dating, and it completely altered my perspective in many ways. I realized that I wasn't shy per-se: I was needy. In my desire to please (not only women), I was, fundamentally, dishonest to others and myself. I had some work to do.

My path to a "good place" involved following the advice in the book: Focus on yourself, and develop interests. I started working out, joined a book club, went on hikes... some things stuck, others didn't. I didn't do any of these things to please anyone, but for myself. (Atomic Habits is a great book in this respect)

I also kept on reading and found Stoicism as a guiding philosophy of life. I started with Manson's popular "The subtle art of not giving a f*ck" and Ryan Holiday's "The Obstacle is the Way", and soon progressed to the texts of Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and Epictetus.

I still feel awkward at times but by journaling and keeping lessons from philosophy present (e.g. via Readwise), I reflect and let go of it.

I hope some of the above helps :)

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#440

Post by hackernewds »

raducu wrote: post #382
perardi wrote: post #135

Practice. Practice practice practice. Which sounds daunting, but… …now, I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness, but…let’s take a look at me in 2008 versus 2021. https://imgur.com/7sR0qKt Can you infer I might have been awkward? Because I was awkward. Always had been, and in a lot of ways, I am still am. But I am vastly better than I used to be. And it was practice. Slow, slow, slow practice.…

> Practice. Practice practice practice. I don't really care about social awkwarness, but I'm annoyed that I used to be really good at presentations and training people, and I suck right now, because of lack of practice. And I didn't even actively practice before the presentation, I just jotted down a few ideas and was really passionate about the subject matter. Nowadays I find a lot of times that I stumble mid idea,…

Could be lack of sleep, stress and to a degree age
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