Stop giving a shit what people think of you, do what you want outside and behave however you want to in public.
Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
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Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#282Stop giving a shit what people think of you, do what you want outside and behave however you want to in public.
That’s a really ignorant take from ops post. That’s equivalent to saying stop being depressed to someone with depression. Sadly I don’t think it’s that simple.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#283Honestly, getting my first job at a movie theater. Kind of just got flung out there and had to deal with it. It helped because everyone I worked with was relatively outgoing. To this day I still have a lot of personality quirks from coworkers that rubbed off on me while I was there.
Nothing like customer service to get you used to talking to people.
In high school, my first job was daycare at the Y. Talking to/playing with a bunch of little kids is being social on easy mode. Then in college I worked a couple years as a waiter and that really helped me learn how to talk to strangers.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#284To me, a big change happened when I realized that I was actually OK. Sure, I was clumsy interacting with people. But I wasn't such a mess that nobody could love me. I still had something to offer to other people.
Sure, people could still reject me in any given interaction. But that didn't mean I was a reject. I could interact with someone, have it go badly, and not have that destroy who I was.
How did I get to that point? Well, I am a Christian. For me, fundamentally it was a matter of having it really sink in that God loved me, and God accepted me, and therefore I was accepted and loved (and acceptable and lovable), no matter how this other human reacted to me.
If that isn't where you're coming from, I'm not sure that I can tell you some other way to get to where I wound up. But I do have some practical comments:
People love to talk about what interests them. If you know a little bit about a lot of things, and you can learn how to ask questions, you can get people to talk about what they care about. They'll think you're wonderful, because not many people listen.
Once you've felt a range of things, you can kind of understand what other people are likely to feel in certain situations. This is the beginning of empathy. (In any given situation, any particular person may be feeling something far different than what you expect. If you can get them to tell you, though, you can usually understand why they're feeling that, and you can remember what it feels like to feel the same thing.)
Both of these get easier with more experience. Therefore (if you work on it), this gets easier with age.
One other thing: At about 25, I had a mentor who had me write down in a notebook every single time I messed up interacting with someone. We went through them every week. This was not particularly fun, but it was helpful.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#285Earlier quoted context omitted.
Ironically, I have done exactly the two tips you mentioned, and I can confidently say that my life has changed drastically. In fact, so much so, that when I catch up with people who knew me even two years ago, they usually make a comment. One thing I was initially afraid of when deciding to move was “running away from my problems” only to realize I’m in the exact same situation as before. Well, that was actually very…
If it took only 2 years, it was easy. I’ve travelled around the world and did most of the possible side quests, including the workout phase, the guitar phase, the charity/vegan phase, the millionaire phase, and I’m still transparent to women. And I’ve grown bitter. I did everything I could. I’d say “please, help” but to be honest, I’ve grown too bitter to hear the advice. It’s a game designed to make me lose, I’m nei…
You're referring to life as a game, and checking off a list of objectives. I might be wrong, but from just what you said it sounds like you did these "phases" because you wanted people to think you were these things, not because you were them. I've found people (especially woman) are good at seeing through these pretenses.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#286I improved a lot after meeting my first (ex) girlfriend through a dating app. She liked going out and one of the places we'd go was a Pub near her parent's house with live music. Initially I felt ackward there. After going there a few times and specially when the band was playing songs I liked (and with a little help from good beer) I started loosening up. I'm not really sure why but from that point forward I started not really carying anymore about "other people looking at me" when I'm enjoying the moment and having fun. It's like I flippled the "I don't care" switch on.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#287Here's what I did and/or do.
1. I constantly ask trusted friends and family members if I was blundering in social situations. I asked my wife this evening, when our daughter had her boyfriend over for dinner. I didn't blunder. I asked anyway. I will ask during an event, especially if it lasts for hours. Ultimately when I blunder, I reprogram how I will respond when that situation arises again. While that could be a thousand little actions, I find I can generalize things, and that makes it easier.
2. Put yourself in tough social situations. I did fashion photography for 8 years as a hobby. I worked with 20+ models in the DC area, and did 2 shoots in NYC. Yes it was all about getting the photos, but to do that you focus your attention on the model. This book helped: "How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Ultimately, the intimidatingly gorgeous woman in front of you and your camera is a regular human who comes from some place, has family and friends, and has interests. When you work with someone like that for 8 or so hours, you need to make her feel comfortable.
3. Work with some successful and highly extraverted people, whether in business or in a volunteer situation. I was working with and being mentored by someone who owned the world. There were no limitations with him. He could go anywhere, do anything. Obviously he didn't actually own the world, but his presence said he did. This was in a volunteer situation. This person was very hard working, wealthy, an overall good person, but took no garbage from anyone. He was also very smart. Actually there were a couple others like him in that volunteer situation - power, money, capabilities, responsibilities, accomplishments. Learn from them.
Good luck! This is what I did. You'll always feel socially awkward, but if you work at it, you can power through it in the tough situations. Hope this helps!
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#288I married well.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#289Yes, hit the gym. I took it a step further. Not only did I hit the gym, I became a fitness instructor - step, cardio kickboxing, spin and water aerobics. I was your typical fat short kid with a computer growing up and I have mild cerebral palsy and no natural rhythm.
My awkwardness improved a lot then and I made a lot of friends. I also went out of my way to try stuff and not be embarrassed about sucking.
Finally, I got out of my own head and realized that the Spotlight Effect is real.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#2901. I’d bet money that your voice change is not noticeable from the outside, and it’s something you are feeling internally, but other people really can’t even notice. Also, If you’re meeting someone for the first time they have no idea what your voice sounds like! The reason I’m saying this is because I’m
Guessing you’re putting extreme pressure on yourself and creating a positive feedback loop for something that no one else can notice!
2. What helped me was realizing no one can notice the subtle changes in my mood shifts and my anxiety, literally no one, even if they could, so what?
3. One of the biggest things to help me was realizing that no one actually cares what I’m saying or how I come across, it may sound quite negative but it’s actually quite liberating when it comes to social anxiety, no one notices and no one is reflecting to themselves “was __ awkward in that brief conversation back there?”. “ Did __ seem nervous?”.
My actual suggestestions are basically the same as everyone else’s:
- practice, if one particular situation causes you a disproportionate amount of anxiety, put yourself in it as often as you can. For me it was public speaking, but after a decade of speaking in front of groups of people regularly it’s literally a no op now,
- gym, I have no idea what it is but walking around with a sore body boosts my confidence, not a big body, not lots of muscles; just a sore relatively fit body, if you do HIIT you’ll literally practice high physical stress scenario regularly (fast heart rate) and your body will be better equipped to handle operating under those circumstances, ie you’ll be more regulated and it will be easier to maintain a clear head under a “flight” response .
- realizing that ultimately everyone is pretty preoccupied with their lives, most of the times when I speak most people aren’t even listening :p or they forget about it a minute after I talk, when I finally realized this it really helped me.
- listen more than you speak, ask open ended questions, take a general interest in the people you’re speaking with, if you show interest because you’re authentically interested in speaking to people and listening to people, they will open up, even in just regular normal everyday conversation, if you’re too nervous speaking right now, how about listening???