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Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

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Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#211

Post by rootw0rm »

Unfortunately, for me the cure for social anxiety was drugs and alcohol. I recently went to rehab for the first time, and I have 4 months of sobriety...my longest stretch of sobriety in my adult life (I'm 41). Being social and sober is a challenge for me. On the plus side 12 step programs are an awesome way to meet sober, caring individuals.

The therapy and classes I took in rehab were absolutely life changing. Healthy relationships...what are those? Boundaries? Never heard of em! I've had to learn intellectually what some people are fortunate enough to intuit.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#212

Post by memling »

kaba0 wrote: post #189
akhmatova wrote: post #23

Throwing myself out there, getting rejected and snubbed otherwise slapped around a lot .. until I slowly started to figure out how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them. Among the things we learn is -- that we are much more "plastic" (and able to change by sheer force of will) than we initially thought. Things like hygiene, posture, clarity of speech (such that people can at least understand us) and…

I would be very interested in any tips regarding improving one’s speech skills. I am way too prone to talking too fast to the point where I have sometimes trouble forming words and any like “I didn’t get that” makes me more anxious increasing my rate of mistakes. But strangely it largely creeped up to me when I was around 20ish years old, while my teenage anxiety largely diminished.

Read and record yourself. Repeat until you learn what sounds good coming out of your mouth. Write at the same time. Think about your words. Savor both. It makes a world of difference. When you write read aloud.

Share. Communication of all kinds goes together. If you get this far you may also find that practicing your voice in speech and writing will improve your self confidence too.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#213

Post by booboofixer »

jawns wrote: post #103

Not only was I awkward and shy -- but I was an extravert! I wanted to be around other people and got bored easily when I was by myself. But I didn't necessarily have the social skills to pull it off. So I was pretty miserable. What changed? I've thought a lot about this, and to be honest, while I would love to say that it was an intense, fulfilling journey of self-improvement ... I think what made the biggest differe…

> Then college came around

I read a lot of such posts by people before i went to university, and boy was i surprised to find the reality can sometimes be very different. If there's any younger folks reading this, YMMV.

> Then, after college, I entered the working world

This is where it actually gets better, or at least it did for me.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#214

Post by perardi »

n0mn wrote: post #204
perardi wrote: post #171

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Absurd amounts of chicken breast. (Illini Media?)

Yep! Good times.

Oh god, I can remember how awkward I was. You’d think the hits to the head in rugby and the drugs would erase some of those memories, but nope.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#216

Post by justnotworthit »

Join a club; backpack travel; get a job handing out fliers; say hello to everyone you walk past. Just do it. Repeatedly. Don't judge yourself after each encounter. Instantly drop any negative feelings and move on to the next encounter.

My big epiphany was that my shyness was costing me way too much. It's uncomfortable to think about the friends and opportunities I let go because I was too shy. Never again. I'd rather look stupid to most for the sake of the few that understand me.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#217

Post by nanochad »

For some of us, there is no improving. If someone brings up a topic I know well, such as C, or the POSIX shell, I will start explaining the nuances which everyone gets wrong and after a minute I will be heavily breathing without realizing it. State that milliseconds don't matter, and I will start shaking and explain why Java is the worst thing to happen to computing, and maybe insult you for using it, as if you're the enemy all of a sudden. I also tend to point out spelling and grammar mistakes in people's writing online. I've tried to fix this. I am aware of the problem in me. I have tried explicitly preventing the usual trappings. But at the end of the day I always go back to the same old habits. Even this post took me 10 minutes to edit.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#218

Post by guerrilla »

Be around people as much as possible, don't give up but don't be uncompromising and adapt, learn from your mistakes. The more you're around people, the more normal it'll become and the easier it'll get. If you have actual social anxiety or autism, get help. They got CBT, exposure therapy (look this up anyway), drugs n all kinds of stuff.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#219

Post by _tom_ »

Grustaf wrote: post #40
arturo40 wrote: post #30

Toastmasters Advantages include * can be in person or remote * safe, businesslike environment with well-defined structure * no need to talk about anything personal * supportive for the very shy - go at your own pace * also challenging for those who don't think of themselves as shy - but have trouble delivering a 7 minute memorized speech in front of a large audience judging their performance

That doesn’t sound like it would help with every day awkwardness, does it? I presume that’s what OP wanted help with.

It really does. It's regular practice with supportive people.

And it's structured, so if you are shy about sudden surprise situations, it can be comforting to know what is expected.

It's not a panacea, but it's easy to get started, accessible and designed to help you be more comfortable talking.

Try it, if you want to talk to people more.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#220

Post by GeekyBear »

Give yourself low stakes opportunities to practice meeting and interacting with strangers.

For instance, go to your local community college and take a public speaking class.

Attend a fan convention for something you are interested in and practice introducing yourself to strangers with common interests.

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