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Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

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Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#171

Post by perardi »

n0mn wrote: post #155
perardi wrote: post #135

Practice. Practice practice practice. Which sounds daunting, but… …now, I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness, but…let’s take a look at me in 2008 versus 2021. https://imgur.com/7sR0qKt Can you infer I might have been awkward? Because I was awkward. Always had been, and in a lot of ways, I am still am. But I am vastly better than I used to be. And it was practice. Slow, slow, slow practice.…

And lots of chicken breast, right? I’m amazed at your progress! I worked with you 12 years ago. What a small world! Can confirm, he was awkward (but also talented)!

Absurd amounts of chicken breast.

(Illini Media?)

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#172

Post by thih9 »

cj wrote: post #164
_asli wrote: post #87

Ecstasy. I had massive problems speaking with people. I ended up going to a rave with some friends, took some molly, had an amazing time talking to people and then realized that if I could do that with a drug then I could probably do it without a drug. (I haven’t done e in over a decade). I still had some issues with public speaking so during my mba I forced myself to give every presentation possible. This largely so…

Quoted post unavailable.

> But none of those drugs will result in the long-term change that you’re looking for.

Grandparent states: “and then realized that if I could do that with a drug then I could probably do it without a drug. (I haven’t done e in over a decade).”

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#174

Post by WheelsAtLarge »

Nition wrote: post #140
WheelsAtLarge wrote: post #132

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them." Very true! I would go as far as emulating a person you admire due to their ability to interact with others. Deconstruct their interaction and look for the parts that can help you. One thing you will mostly notice is self confidence. People always feel good with people that project that. Make sure it's confidence not arrogance. It's a fine line.

And funnily enough one of the first things you'll notice is that confident people have the same awkward faux pas interactions that would keep you awake at night all the time - maybe even more often, since they aren't so hyper-alert analyzing the conversation. But they just don't care! And because they don't get all shy and awkward when the awkward thing happens, because they don't make it awkward, the other person do…

So true, you remember your mistakes way more than anyone else's. Think about it. How many of other people's mistakes do you remember? Not many, if any. You just don't have the time and energy to focus on someone else life. It's hard enough to deal with yours. Be kind to yourself, note mistakes but don't obsess over them.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#175

Post by ravenstine »

Having surrogate older bothers (aka older friends) has been helpful for me because they've been through what I'm going through and are at a point where they've reflected enough and know what I should and shouldn't be caring about. Of course they can be emulated when you notice they're being really effective socially-speaking.

I'm not saying you can just "pick up older friends, bruh", but if you end up with a friend who's in the older brother/sister age range, take advantage (in a good way) because you can learn from them and they will almost always be happy to be a kind of role model for you.

Writing down a "post mortem" after attending significant social events has helped me quite a lot as well. It's always good to write down thoughts while they're fresh, connect some dots, and hopefully remember something you've learned the next time.

While there's something to be said about living in the moment, reflection is super important. It's easy to coast through life, have things happen to you, screw up, and then continue repeating similar patterns. Writing down any relevant ideas and reviewing them prevents valuable insight from going immediately down the toilet.

One more thing is to practice looking people in the eyes. I'm bad at this because when I get thinking in depth about a topic, my eyes start to wander. But when the other person is speaking I've gotten much better about keeping eye contact. Just going in public and practicing looking at random people in the eyes was a big help. Yeah, it's awkward, and maybe it makes some people uncomfortable. You're gonna have to get used to making some people uncomfortable if you want to have good social skills, ironically, because otherwise you'll be too concerned about how you're perceived to the point where you're not making anyone comfortable. Maybe you'll creep some people out, but some people will look you in the eyes and smile back at you.

Somehow overcoming the eye contact thing permeates a bit into the rest of your social skills. You have to have a certain level of confidence to do it properly and to not think twice about it, and many aspects of social skills just have to do with confidence.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#176

Post by lcuff »

(1) I read a book, which helped quite a bit: "Contact, the first 4 minutes" by Leonard Zunin. Still available on Amazon, or perhaps at your local library. Lots of good tips.

I (now) have fun interactions with people in (for example) grocery store lines, thanks to the tip that in these circumstances that you should comment on something immediately visible, so you have a shared starting point/reference point. I'll point to a People magazine or National Enquirer-type rag and say "I miss the days when there headlines about Elvis in a flying saucer", which will provoke a laugh and (often) a comment. Of course, I'm talking to people my age (in their sixties) so they remember that too. Adapt as needed to make it age-appropriate.

It also lays out strategies for how to connect in less transient situations.

As others have said, practice is very helpful.

I was painfully shy and spoke haltingly as a young adult. I'm now very comfortably extraverted.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#177

Post by blamazon »

Personally I need scheduled social interaction. Something that happens with other people every Wednesday evening whether I'm feeling good or feeling bad. Or maybe every third Wednesday. Or one Wednesday a year. It does not matter. I do not cancel same day unless forced externally.

I have enough of these on my calendar that it's not possible for me to retract from the world, but not so many as to be overloaded.

Sometimes I need a mental health day/week/month and I try to pre-plan these as far in advance as possible, to try to run around the needy last minute lizard brain.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#178

Post by altairprime »

This won’t be of help necessarily, but for me the two necessary steps were gender transition and ADHD medication. Nothing else worked, not any willpower or effort-based therapies. In the end, it took hormones and brain meds to make me able to function. It didn’t make me less awkward or shy. It just made me less anxious about being so.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#180

Post by dczm »

lr4444lr wrote: post #94

Try volunteering somewhere. People are just happy enough that you're donating your time and effort that you can be more sure they won't mind your self-perceived inadequacies, even if you think they're noticeable. Having repeated positive interactions in a pretty reliable context like that can help give you a better subconscious ideation of what new people think of you. Volunteering will also improve your self concept…

Thanks, will put this on my to do list this week.
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