Social anxiety is a real burden to live with. I'm in the same boat that you are, even when people are being very friendly with me and are obviously interested in getting to know me I can seem so uncomfortable that it is off-putting to them. I've been accused of being stuck up before when honestly I'm just very shy. If I could suggest anything that is fairly easy to start thinking about, I would suggest garnering a sense of style. Buy clothes that make you feel comfortable and make you look good- even if your look is unconventional the ability to express one's identity through fashion builds confidence.
Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
161–170 of 568 posts
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#162I forced myself to do improv theatre. When I started, I was terrified, I was shy and doing that was definitely out of my comfort zone but the group I found was very welcoming and it quickly felt fun. The great thing about improv is that you learn to simulate different situations, you learn to be careful about your posture and mannerism as you take on different roles. For someone who was as shy as I was, it was not ea…
There's a book Improv Wisdom written by a former leader of Stanford's improv club that I found deeply insightful. I was looking into improv to address my social anxiety a while ago, sadly this was at the start of pandemic when everything shut down. Maybe I should go for it again.
The author of that book did a Google Talk about the book some time ago:
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#163Earlier quoted context omitted.
I would pick things that align with your interests. Go to a museum, go to a play that has an intermission, go skiing, pick up a club sport, meetups, cooking classes, book signing, improv class, music class, fishing class, board game nights... Lots of things to try.
Everything I can get my brain interested in is a solo activity. I feel like whenever I try to even think about doing something that requires me to initiate contact with people, some unconscious part of me "resets" my thoughts and they just get stuck in a useless loop. On the rare occasion that I manage to override that and go somewhere, I am unable to engage with people even though I want to. I don't hate interacting…
I would encourage you to spend time in those spaces with no intention to interact. Just go and spend time observing your thoughts and feelings. If you feel like you don't have much vocabulary for your emotions, two book I really recommend are Brene Brown's "Atlas of the Heart" [1], where a researcher names, describes, and compares the various emotions, and "The Emotion Thesaurus" [2], a writer's guide that includes a lot of description that can help with pattern-matching.
Once you have a handle on the feelings and what triggers them, I think you'll get some insight into the currently unknown reasons. I'd be you'll also have theories on how to work around it, but if not, a good therapist can help.
[1] https://brenebrown.com/book/atlas-of-the-heart/
[2] https://www.amazon.com/Emotion-Thesaurus-Writers-Character-E...
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#164Ecstasy. I had massive problems speaking with people. I ended up going to a rave with some friends, took some molly, had an amazing time talking to people and then realized that if I could do that with a drug then I could probably do it without a drug. (I haven’t done e in over a decade). I still had some issues with public speaking so during my mba I forced myself to give every presentation possible. This largely so…
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Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#165Well, I didn't really get less awkward and nervous but I stopped feeling bad about it, since I'm human. Also, I'm more intentional about what I want to do and not what I'm supposed to do.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#166Some advice a friend once gave me is to “pretend” you’re more social than you are and kinda act the part, even if it doesn’t feel like it’s “you”. Eventually it will start to feel more natural.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#167Got older, accumulated enough embarrassing and humiliating moments and just got tired of caring. :-)
Did you reach a point of peak non-awkwardness? At what age?
I think this might happen to some people. When they're young they haven't yet learnt how to interact with other people. Perhaps at age 30 or 40 they've learnt enough to do a reasonable impression of being a normal person, at least for the duration of a brief interaction. But when they're 50 or 60 they can't be bothered to make the effort any more.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#168I still have major problems of socialization but I succeeded to pass to the “in” group.
- It happened during the integration week in engineering school. Cohesion games, scream together, talk loud, it really transformed me. Now I’m part of the socialization. I’m 38.
- I would say it can’t happen without alcohol, unfortunately. It’s both a social signal and an actual mood changer. Use it, but quit as soon as you’re in. Use it to gain the “street cred” and move on to better friends. Friends you get through alcohol are false friends, they/you use alcohol to hide the lack of unity and the lack of depth in your relationship. So don’t dwell of friends you made through alcohol.
- You can search for a girlfriend without going through the socialization step. Don’t postpone the gf thing.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#169Tolerant friends, high quality music, drugs, vipassana
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#170I've never been particularly shy, but I have been socially awkward, all my life.
It has gotten drastically better, but still leaks out a bit, here and there (I'm a bit "on the spectrum," so social awkwardness is de rigueur for me).
A lot of it has been age. As I have gotten older, what others think of me, has played a rapidly decreasing role in my life.
Also, I have participated in an unusual organization for my entire adult life, that has helped me to deal with my social issues. It is not something that I'm willing to discuss in public (yes, it's one of those organizations), but that's what helped me.