Forced myself to look people in the eye when talking to them. Horrifying at first but now slightly less miserable.
Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
131–140 of 568 posts
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#132Throwing myself out there, getting rejected and snubbed otherwise slapped around a lot .. until I slowly started to figure out how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them. Among the things we learn is -- that we are much more "plastic" (and able to change by sheer force of will) than we initially thought. Things like hygiene, posture, clarity of speech (such that people can at least understand us) and…
"how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them."
Very true! I would go as far as emulating a person you admire due to their ability to interact with others. Deconstruct their interaction and look for the parts that can help you. One thing you will mostly notice is self confidence. People always feel good with people that project that. Make sure it's confidence not arrogance. It's a fine line.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#133Earlier quoted context omitted.
The phrase “small talk“ pains me. I never ask a question for which I am not interested in the answer, and I think if you listen carefully before you say something about the weather you might hear something deep and genuine that you would have otherwise missed. Now I usually do ask how the other person is, but I am always listening for the real answer. I never ask it without wanting to hear what they say. (And if I’m…
There's no such thing as "small talk". All talk is significant. If it is anything, "small talk" is talk that you don't mind other people hearing and joining. And if you think about that at a distance, it makes it very big talk indeed.
To me, "small talk" is mundane chit-chat that you do mostly to be polite or to break the ice. "Hi , weathers been awfully cold lately hasn't it? Yes, can't wait till summer. Did you watch the game yesterday? Anyway catch you later!" kind of things.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#134Not saying this is the best approach and it won't be a popular opinion, but drugs--particularly alcohol--were key to me breaking out of my shell.
For me, a little alcohol helps a bit, but if I have too much I end up talking plenty - but it's absolute bollocks that just makes me seem even weirder... :(
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#135Practice. Practice practice practice. Which sounds daunting, but…
…now, I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness, but…let’s take a look at me in 2008 versus 2021. https://imgur.com/7sR0qKt Can you infer I might have been awkward? Because I was awkward. Always had been, and in a lot of ways, I am still am.
But I am vastly better than I used to be. And it was practice. Slow, slow, slow practice. I started at the gym. Built a little confidence. Got a job where I was required to be in more meetings. Built a little more confidence. Moved to a new city. Built even more confidence. Joined a sports league. Built yet even more confidence. It’s a slow process of leveling up and being out there and exposed to the world and learning to live in it.
And as you get older, I find for me it’s gotten easier. People in their late-20s and 30s are not the back-biting den of snakes they were in high school—everyone begins to realize they have their own faults and foibles, and you begin to accept that other people are always going through things too. And, conversely, you begin to realize you’re never the star of anyone else’s internal story. People are paying far less attention to your awkwardness than you think. So…roll with it, find some hobbies you like that involve other people, and just keep practicing.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#136Decades of practice. What comes naturally to the neurotypicals at age 14, may take until middle age for a geek to learn by trial and painful error. Unfortunately where interaction with the attractive gender is concerned, awkwardness and painful error may be judged very harshly indeed, these days.
Accepting yourself as you are is required. Get over thinking you need to turn yourself into someone different. It took until about age 30 for me to fully accept who I am.
An occasional change of environment does help, since you can leave all that rejection - judged as the geek outsider - baggage behind and can start with a clean slate at your current social skill level.
A little bit of alcohol in social interactions can also help. I was strictly a nondrinker, but at one neurotypical type party I took the hint and had a few drinks. Not enough to get drunk, but enough to get comfortable.
On the other hand, if none of the above really apply, and you're just an introvert, then learn to live with it. You'll never turn yourself into an extrovert and you'll never really enjoy "working" an unfamiliar crowd to make new insta-friends. That's OK.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#137focus on what you can give, and give
instead of what you need.
its all in your head.
#drunkhn
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#138Got older, accumulated enough embarrassing and humiliating moments and just got tired of caring. :-)
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#139Try and be genuinely interested in people, but use a conversation mnemonic to find common ground topics:
F family O occupation R recreation D dreams
P pets H holidays
If you can find topics that make people excited to talk about, everything becomes much easier
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#140Throwing myself out there, getting rejected and snubbed otherwise slapped around a lot .. until I slowly started to figure out how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them. Among the things we learn is -- that we are much more "plastic" (and able to change by sheer force of will) than we initially thought. Things like hygiene, posture, clarity of speech (such that people can at least understand us) and…
"how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them." Very true! I would go as far as emulating a person you admire due to their ability to interact with others. Deconstruct their interaction and look for the parts that can help you. One thing you will mostly notice is self confidence. People always feel good with people that project that. Make sure it's confidence not arrogance. It's a fine line.
And funnily enough one of the first things you'll notice is that confident people have the same awkward faux pas interactions that would keep you awake at night all the time - maybe even more often, since they aren't so hyper-alert analyzing the conversation. But they just don't care!
And because they don't get all shy and awkward when the awkward thing happens, because they don't make it awkward, the other person doesn't feel awkward either, and maybe at most both parties laugh about it for a moment, the conversation continues and life goes on and that night they sleep the peaceful sleep of the innocent. Or they lie awake worrying about some entirely different set of life problems, because we're all just doing our best and showing the best face we can.