Getting married helped a lot. Having children was the final nail in the coffin. I'm me and I'm complete (from my own perspective of what it means to me complete) and I can go into any social interaction now with the belief that anyone who doesn't like me is there problem. If I have difficulty conversing with someone, I can always just walk away and play with my kids, kiss my wife, and declare a win. That's what it feels like, at least. And that's good enough.
Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
81–90 of 568 posts
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#82Learning to small talk is one of the most valuable skills a person can have in life and will allow you to connect with more people than you thought possible. It all starts with very basic cues and the great thing is you can practice each and every day. Start off by simply looking at e.g. the cashier at the store and ask "how's your day going?", or make a small quip about the weather e.g. "it sure is cold today, can't…
The phrase “small talk“ pains me. I never ask a question for which I am not interested in the answer, and I think if you listen carefully before you say something about the weather you might hear something deep and genuine that you would have otherwise missed. Now I usually do ask how the other person is, but I am always listening for the real answer. I never ask it without wanting to hear what they say. (And if I’m…
There's no such thing as "small talk".
All talk is significant.
If it is anything, "small talk" is talk that you don't mind other people hearing and joining. And if you think about that at a distance, it makes it very big talk indeed.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#83> I cannot help but notice
This is one of the biggest issues that cause awkwardness: caring too much about how you're perceived.
One simple way to get rid of it: just tell people that you sometimes may appear or feel shy, goofy or awkward and you'll remove the problem, because you removed the anxiety of appearing in that way: you already told people that's your nature, you no longer have anything to lose!
Actually this will give you much more comfort to remove the awkwardness.
You can use this method in different scenarios where you generally perform poorly because of anxiety or awkwardness. Just tell straight ahead that you are a disaster at X and you remove entirely the pressure from yourself and expectations from others.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#84Practice. Find a course, a group, something where interacting with people is normal and you have a shared conversation topic (homework, practice, worst case the news, the weather, the weekend). Maybe a language class?
It's OK to prepare statements in your head so you don't have to blush or worst-case come up with something inappropriate.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#85Therapy, many meditation retreats, and knowing myself. My old reactions and feelings can still happen but they are more like phantom limbs
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#86Keep in mind that most people are uncomfortable with new situations. So helping them feel comfortable with you will ultimately help you.
-Get in situations where you need to interact with people, such as a job that deals with others.
-Keep up to date with current events. You need to be interesting so being able to speak on current events helps. Read nonfiction books. They help add to your knowledge.
-Be a master of the short conversation. Read books on how to improve your conversations.
There is no magic tonic. The more you try the better you'll get at it. Like they say, practice makes perfect.
Their are people that are extremely anxious in public situations so they should seek treatment. But make sure you try everything short of pills to get over your anxiety. Taking pills is never the best thing to try first.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#87Ecstasy.
I had massive problems speaking with people. I ended up going to a rave with some friends, took some molly, had an amazing time talking to people and then realized that if I could do that with a drug then I could probably do it without a drug. (I haven’t done e in over a decade).
I still had some issues with public speaking so during my mba I forced myself to give every presentation possible. This largely solved that problem.
Note that mdma can kill you, especially if taken without experience. This is not an endorsement of drug taking.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#88Dating a LOT. You get used to rejection. Putting yourself out there.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#89Bonus idea: Have a prop whenever you can. I saw a guy at party bring a Rubix cube and you wouldn’t believe how many people came up to talk to him. Instant ice breaker.
What are some of your ideas for props?
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#90I think it's really important to also not just think of it as "social awkwardness" and also consider that your subconscious is leading you to be more conservative in social situations which you dislike. It's really nice to be able to master yourself and act in the way that you want, but also I think it's healthy and useful to notice when our natural inclination is to be smaller. The path to finding social situations where you can thrive will almost certainly involve some avoiding people whose social style makes you feel that way.