Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

news.ycombinator.com

61–70 of 568 posts

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#61
post #53
post #25

Learning to small talk is one of the most valuable skills a person can have in life and will allow you to connect with more people than you thought possible. It all starts with very basic cues and the great thing is you can practice each and every day. Start off by simply looking at e.g. the cashier at the store and ask "how's your day going?", or make a small quip about the weather e.g. "it sure is cold today, can't…

The phrase “small talk“ pains me. I never ask a question for which I am not interested in the answer, and I think if you listen carefully before you say something about the weather you might hear something deep and genuine that you would have otherwise missed. Now I usually do ask how the other person is, but I am always listening for the real answer. I never ask it without wanting to hear what they say. (And if I’m…

Salient point about listening/reading their response, another tool in the social/life tool belt.

Re: weather, its not really about that, it's just opening the door that more often than not leads to a pleasant, random conversation with a total stranger.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#63
post #19

Not saying this is the best approach and it won't be a popular opinion, but drugs--particularly alcohol--were key to me breaking out of my shell.

Psychedelics did it for me, I was looking for fun but as an unintended consequence I became much more extrovert.

Of course, don't actually do hard drugs without medical supervision. You are more likely to end up worse off. A counter anecdote, a friend of mine who was really extroverted is now pretty shy and nervous in social interactions after suffering a few psychotic episodes during one of our drug binges.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#65
post #18

Noticing is the first step! A therapist can really help you as it sounds like a part of you is experiencing anxiety. Essentially you have developed a learned behavior and you have to unlearn it by replacing your habit with a new one. Part of that is say exposure therapy (meaning, just go out and meet people). It also helps to develop a framework and set of scripts for what to do which is where a therapist can come in…

That "and" of the "Just go out and meet people" is the part that my brain struggles with.

I can walk out of the door just fine, but my brain stops functioning when I try to think of things to do from there. I can likewise handle meeting new people if I somehow end up in a situation where that happens. It's just doing that intentionally that I have so far been unable to accomplish.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#66
One observation I would make is that many of the people who are crucial to the organisation of social events are themselves socially awkward.

The instigator often is not, but they will be surrounded by people who are, and who need a little thing to do at the event so they can take part at all.

I found ways to be involved at a music festival for more than a decade -- the photography, the website, running general errands etc.

Going to social events as a photographer was an explicit tactic; camera as prop.

Find a way to help other people be social and they will find a way to include you that doesn't make you feel awkward.

Keep at it though -- merely getting to this stage where you're looking for techniques is a very positive step.

Also, a thing I learned from a kid who wrote a book on Aspergers that is basically true: if you need to hold eye contact longer than a brief moment, it takes most people a long time to spot that you're looking at the bridge of their nose, not their eyes.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#67
Since, you're asking for personal reports, I may as well chime in.

I've managed to improve my ability to feel at ease when confronted with new people and places. This is something I did on my own, but like others have said, seeking professional expertise may help you achieve your goals more effectively, or may uncover things that need to be addressed in other ways.

It may help to identify which specific parts of social interactions make you uneasy. For me it was feeling like I wouldn't have anything to say in response and that an awkward pause would ensue. I often second-guessed myself and felt like my responses didn't have worth. If your situation is different, the rest may not apply.

The first changes I made were to view my situation as temporary. Instead of framing myself as a permanently awkward conversationalist, I framed my starting point as a challenge to build new skills. While some people learn these intuitively, I had to consciously build them[1]. By framing my challenge as a skill-building journey, I was able to make progress by seeking out specific information in order to build this skill.

There were three techniques I practiced to help me build this skill. Topic vectoring[2], open-ended questions, and question-statement balancing.

Topic vectoring is a simple heuristic for picking an appropriate response. A conversation response can go "up" a level by speaking more generally about the topic, go "down" a level by drilling down to a specific detail about the topic, or move laterally by shifting to an adjacent topic. Conversations progress by incrementally accreting small topic shifts. When too large of a topic shift is introduced, it is hard for the other participant(s) to follow along. This includes shifts that compose multiple directions. When I'm reaching for a response, I use this tool to pick an appropriate one.

You've most certainly heard of open-ended questions before. Practicing open-ended questions was a skill I made a point of developing by monitoring my proportion of responses and adjusting as necessary. Good questions are conversational expanders. They require little from the querent and little from the respondent. They can feel like a good layup when done right.

The same goes for question-statement balancing. Too many statements, and it begins to look like I just want to talk about my interests, and too many questions looks more like an interrogation than a conversation.

All of these skills fit together in a way that make me feel like I know how navigate conversations much better than I did before. Quickly, it's important to describe what they are not. They are not memorizing a bunch of conversation prompts. They are heuristics that can be practiced, employed tactically, and form a cohesive toolkit. I strive for balanced conversations where other people feel heard and engaged, and I can walk away feeling the same way.

Best of luck to you on your journey whichever path it takes. :)

1. There is probably some amount of neuro-atypicalness at play here, but that's not something I've explored too much.

2. The resource explaining this may be lost to the sands of time and it certainly went by another name.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#68
post #18

Noticing is the first step! A therapist can really help you as it sounds like a part of you is experiencing anxiety. Essentially you have developed a learned behavior and you have to unlearn it by replacing your habit with a new one. Part of that is say exposure therapy (meaning, just go out and meet people). It also helps to develop a framework and set of scripts for what to do which is where a therapist can come in…

That "and" of the "Just go out and meet people" is the part that my brain struggles with. I can walk out of the door just fine, but my brain stops functioning when I try to think of things to do from there. I can likewise handle meeting new people if I somehow end up in a situation where that happens. It's just doing that intentionally that I have so far been unable to accomplish.

The "doing that intentionally" bit is something I think you sort of have to roll with; some days are good, some days are bad.

I've all sorts of strategies, but if I have no explicit purpose at some event I struggle with getting out of the house, and I'm just not enough of a dog person to get a dog.

But if you go out on the good days -- which is all really anyone does! -- then people will remember you if you only pop in to some event briefly on your bad days.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#69

I forced myself to do improv theatre. When I started, I was terrified, I was shy and doing that was definitely out of my comfort zone but the group I found was very welcoming and it quickly felt fun. The great thing about improv is that you learn to simulate different situations, you learn to be careful about your posture and mannerism as you take on different roles. For someone who was as shy as I was, it was not ea…

This is a remarkably all-out brave strategy. I'm sure you don't need the congratulations, but well done!

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#70
I got over my awkwardness waiting tables. You just gotta interact with people, all sorts of people. That and coping with chefs, who in my experience are frequently sadistic maniacs. It was tough, but I came out completely changed, and I absolutely loved that part of my life.
Post reply on HN