Wow, blushing. I had entirely forgotten I used to do that in many situations. It's hideously embarrassing because it's so obvious to others. FWIW the good news is it goes away, or did for me.
Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
41–50 of 568 posts
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#42I've been there. I was very shy, talking to strangers was a big problem, talking to girls my age was like climbing the Mt. Everest.
What helped me was to just go out there and practice. I'm not from the US, but i think it might be way easier in the states to just go out and practicing small talk.
I started very small. Driving to a different city and just asking people what time it is, asking for directions, pretending to be a tourist. Salespeople are also very helpful. For example drive to a store and ask for recommendations for a specific item if you want to make a purchase anyway.
The key for me was to make it a habit. Start with asking older people, then people your age, then women in groups, etc.
Practice and you will see that you get better at reading people and how they react to what you say.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#43I would actually recommend dropping this line of questioning. It's perfectionist. And treating it as a problem that needs to be solved (in effect treating you as a problem to be solved) just puts extra scrutiny/attention/pressure on it that will make it worse. It's just a habit that you will grow out of naturally with more experience around people. And that will happen faster if you forgive yourself, accept yourself…
Disagree with the first graf, totally agree with the second! I sort of like your point about just not worrying about it. But I found that I could improve my self-confidence by working at it, and it was ultimately worth literally millions of dollars and much more happiness to me. Also meant that I was always able to meet wonderful romantic partners and I am… not good looking at all.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#44Go to a new place where you don't plan on going again.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#45For starters, anywhere where there's a shared activity that requires interaction. Nothing that allows you to be a wallflower. The shared activity makes it easier to not be pure social.
After that, joining volunteer leadership or purely social organizations. Think a volunteer-staffed group in your area or Toastmasters.
I did it for 10 years, at least twice monthly, and the practice drastically improved my ability and comfort interacting with people.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#461. Set realistic goals and keep in mind a lot of social stuff that people pull off isn't effortless, they put A TON of work in.
2. Confidence boosts: gym, clothing style, telling friends about your vulnerabilities and feelings (there's no better feeling than being told by a friend that what you worried is something they really never saw or cared about), inviting people to things.
3. Too much blushing and physical vulnerability may be fixable with exposure therapy or may require medication. It may also be a result of Asperger's. Don't be afraid of seeking medical help for stuff that's out of your control.
4. Realise that ALL HUMANS are broken in some fundamental way and that includes the person next to you. So don't be afraid to interact with them and do not assume they'll judge you harshly.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#47I was a computer kid from age 7 (in the 70s). Lived in the computer lab through my teens. Turned 18, wanted to be better with people. Volunteered at a race track. Became a race track firefighter. Met the EMS crew there, signed up. Got my EMT. Spent the first year nervous and staring at my clipboard. Gradually got better and better at interacting. Now I am a flight medic. Spend my trips talking with patients and hearing their life stories. You get to see people in their very best and very worst. So amazing. Best change ever.
(I also have a parallel career in tech. The improved ability to interact with people has led to much success there as well. I regularly do public talks about the work I do.)
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#48I’d say it’s just a matter of exposure and practice. If you force yourself to spend a lot of time in the kinds of situations that make you awkward, eventually you’ll figure out how to handle them, how to speak, how to react, what to say when etc. The more familiar it feels, the less self conscious and awkward you’ll feel.
And remember, people don’t care. People only think about themselves anyway, even if they notice your awkwardness they’ll forget it five minutes later so it doesn’t matter.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#49Travelling helped me a lot. You’re kind of forced into social situations especially if you stay in hostels. I’m not talking about a 1 week vacation though. I’d recommend a multi-month trip.
Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?
#50I decided that I didn't care what other people's opinions of me were. This was after nearly pathological shyness and embarrassment at being "me" when I was 11-14. Then my family moved and the new location let me be a new person with new friends. Also, puberty and maturity played a large part, obviously. The not caring about what other people thought had its own problems that took me much longer to recognize and work through but it did get me out of my shy period. Personal growth is hard.
After we moved I made a new best friend. His brother, who was a few years older than me, was extremely outgoing and could talk to anyone about anything. I learned by observing him that asking questions was a great way to get to know people and hold up my end of a conversation.