Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

1. I put myself willingly in social situations in which I didn't know anyone. The trick for me was picking and going alone to social events (= events in which there is a lot of group talks) in which I was fairly interested but not REALLY interested, so I felt that was not problem to bail out at any moment, in any way, without giving any explanation, nor I cared if I did something really awkward or even had a panic attack (it surprisingly didn't happen), I said to myself "In that case, if I felt really in the wrong group of people, I would just not come anymore to this specific series of events and that's all... no one is really gonna care"

2. In those social situations I tried to listen far far FAR more than I talk, and also observe. Once you really observe people around you you can see how many of them are awkward and shy and make "social mistakes" and recover from them without problems. You'll see most people are really not that different than yourself.

It worked very well for me, got confident incredibly fast. The hardest part is probably the first one or two events. I remember that for the first one, which was a recurring monthly event, I went physically as far as the door of the location in which it took place for two times without entering and bailing out at last second because of anxiety. Than the next month I went in and since then I still go to that series of events, and I found one of the best shy community I could hope for.

Throwing myself out there, getting rejected and snubbed otherwise slapped around a lot .. until I slowly started to figure out how to observe "normal, healthy" people and learn from them.

Among the things we learn is -- that we are much more "plastic" (and able to change by sheer force of will) than we initially thought. Things like hygiene, posture, clarity of speech (such that people can at least understand us) and tonal confidence are, for many of us, simply matters of bad habit that can be unlearned and their negative effects reversed, over time.

The more we improve ourselves in these basic areas, the better we feel about ourselves... and soon enough people notice, and over time it becomes not only gets easier but starts to feel natural. Not instantly but... over time. Until the day comes when you stop thinking (so much) about how "awkward" you are, and instead you're thinking about your new life, your new friends, your hot new relationship, your awesome new day job (if that matters), etc.

That and two other tips: (1) Taking the plunge, and moving to a totally new geographic area (or even just getting a different, much better place in the city where you live) can do wonders; as does (2) Paradoxically, not giving an F about what other people think. That is to say, acknowledging that it matters to some degree, on a certain level ... but in the scheme of things, it also just doesn't matter. Which helps you relax and feel confident (which does a lot to ameliorate the negative perceptions people have of you).

Learning to small talk is one of the most valuable skills a person can have in life and will allow you to connect with more people than you thought possible.

It all starts with very basic cues and the great thing is you can practice each and every day.

Start off by simply looking at e.g. the cashier at the store and ask "how's your day going?", or make a small quip about the weather e.g. "it sure is cold today, can't wait for Spring!".

Make this a daily practice even when you aren't feeling comfortable. Most people are happy to respond to simple friendly gestures and you'll slowly build confidence in your ability to connect with others.

Practice, practice, practice.

- Extremely extroverted introvert.

I went from awkward to charismatic, so I can empathize.

* Warning: if you want to succeed at this you’ll have to experiment and fail. That’s not fun. But you will come out the other side a far more interesting and effective person.

* Several of the things mentioned here will benefit from practice. You can do this practice when you have otherwise unstructured time, such as driving, jogging, sitting on the bus, and so on.

This passage contains its own breakthrough:

> To be fair to myself, I am not awful in social situations in that depending on the context I can be seemingly confident and calm, especially when I am among people I know and the context is familiar.

When I thought about that I concluded that acting as confident and calm as I am around my friends was the key. I understood that if I could use that magnetism in otherwise uncomfortable situations I could level up like crazy. And I did. What I would do was act out how I would behave in meetings or sales situation in my head ahead of time, and I imagined the people I was dealing with to be my closest friends. This technique didn’t come naturally, which meant I had to mess it up several times before I got the hang of it.

This ability will also come in handy when your spouse or someone else close to you is angry at you, justifiably or not. I have been in many situations where I was accused of something I didn’t do, and I could not advocate for myself because I was too scared. Now that I work these things out before hand, I am more able to take control of the situation in a way that is as fair as possible to me.

* Being a genuine listener helps enormously. People like it when you try to understand and feel the message they are conveying. Don’t worry about trying to get your opinion across when you were trying to listen. Don’t try to give them advice unless they explicitly ask for it. Feel free to say absolutely nothing when someone is talking to you and just try to take it in.

* The black belt listening skill is being so good at it that you can make the other person in the conversation laugh. As with any advanced skill, don’t try this until you’ve completed the other skill levels. Otherwise it just sounds like you’re awkwardly inserting prefab jokes into the conversation. to hear this done right, listen to top podcast interviewers. Many of them are quite funny, but their humor almost always revolves around a perceptive and intelligent response to the guest.

* Truly confident people say “I don’t know“ all the time. Even if you’re not confident, being able to say it in public will make you a more confident person, and a better one to be around.

* It helped me very much to get good at things that others find difficult. Teaching myself to be a tech writer so I could not have to work for McDonald’s, then teaching myself to be a programmer so I could not have to work as a tech writer, and making more money than the losers I grew up with each helped me. I know I am supposed to tell you that we should be self-sufficient and not worry about what other people think. All I can say is that these things did help my confidence massively.

A more conventional method:

* I haven’t taken it but I have never heard anyone complain that the Dale Carnegie course was in effective.

How does it help?