Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

But life had other plans

danlebrero.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

221–230 of 247 posts

Re: But life had other plans

#221

Post by tsol »

ane wrote: post #69

Several years ago my wife and I agreed we'd actively start making a baby and quit contraceptives. She was on the pill (progestogen-only) and we'd been using it for the better part of three years. Worked fine, she took it religiously at the same time every day. So we agreed to quit, and the next day she comes to me, awkwardly, saying "It worked!" half-jokingly. I stared at the pregnancy test, positive and unambiguous…

Who first started the conversation? I wonder if the hormones swirling through her system made her more likely to feel ready for a child. Or perhaps the pregnancy induced change in her pheromones suddenly made you feel more nurturing of her. Probably not, but it's funny how sometimes things work out like that

Re: But life had other plans

#222

Post by burrows »

royjacobs wrote: post #219
burrows wrote: post #217

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But I think OP does pay for it, as she suggests here. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30788837 First OP says, “X is free for me.”, then she says, “My taxes pay for X.” It looks to me that says she both does and does not pay for it, that’s why I’m confused.

In what kind of world did you expect that "X is free for me" would imply that nobody is getting paid for anything regarding an IVF treatment? It clearly means that, _other than paying taxes like everyone else in the free world_ I do not have to pay for it. This is at the same level as finding a free penny on the street and going "No, but hang on, _someone_ paid to mint this penny so I am extremely confused as to why…

> It clearly means that, _other than paying taxes like everyone else in the free world_ I do not have to pay for it.

So, other than paying for it, I don’t have to pay for it?

Again, I find this sort of comment confusing.

> This is at the same level as finding a free penny on the street and going "No, but hang on, _someone_ paid to mint this penny so I am extremely confused as to why you would say this penny is free?!"

I think it’s closer to calling the food in the refrigerator at my house “free”. Or calling repairs at the auto shop “free” when the insurance company (who I pay) pays the shop.

Re: But life had other plans

#223

Post by royjacobs »

burrows wrote: post #222
royjacobs wrote: post #219

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In what kind of world did you expect that "X is free for me" would imply that nobody is getting paid for anything regarding an IVF treatment? It clearly means that, _other than paying taxes like everyone else in the free world_ I do not have to pay for it. This is at the same level as finding a free penny on the street and going "No, but hang on, _someone_ paid to mint this penny so I am extremely confused as to why…

> It clearly means that, _other than paying taxes like everyone else in the free world_ I do not have to pay for it. So, other than paying for it, I don’t have to pay for it? Again, I find this sort of comment confusing. > This is at the same level as finding a free penny on the street and going "No, but hang on, _someone_ paid to mint this penny so I am extremely confused as to why you would say this penny is free?!…

>Again, I find this sort of comment confusing.

Noted.

Re: But life had other plans

#224

Post by reducesuffering »

AlwaysRock wrote: post #205
rayiner wrote: post #176

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Typically, it’s 99% per year or something like that. Even with perfect use that’s a 1 in 10 chance per decade.

Yeah I always wondered what the 99% actually means. 99% of the times you have intercourse? 99% out of 100? 99% per some time frame? The pill always worried me a bit when younger because most women I knew didnt take it religiously at the same time everyday and it wasnt clear if we were then... 75% safe? 50% safe? 98% safe? I guess it was enough safe enough for me but I imagine it could have gone the other way pretty e…

Birth control metrics are almost always phrased as "X % couples having regular intercourse won't get pregnant." So pill and IUD being 99% means 1 / 100 heterosexual couples will get pregnant every year, on average.

Re: But life had other plans

#225

Post by DiggyJohnson »

nautilius wrote: post #209
DiggyJohnson wrote: post #203

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree with much of what you said, but I don’t think they’re arguing in bad faith at all.

I only see two options, bad faith or childishly naive, so I suggested the more flattering option. In either case it's tiring to argue this 'gotcha' strawman - no one here on HN believes that things just materialize. But I do think it's bad faith, because I doubt burrows picks the same kind of pointless argument about semantics when someone offers him a free sample at Costco, or a free beer, or is confused when readin…

Yes, but there is a long history of thinking about the various definitions for "free". This alone warrants the discussion. Surely they see what you mean, but it does sound like you both default to different definitions of the word. I agree with you, but I maintain that you are being much to certain about the naivety of the objection.

Because we're on HN:

There's 'free' as in beer ...

And there's 'free' as in 'freedom'.

Re: But life had other plans

#226

Post by mcv »

tonyarkles wrote: post #160
mcv wrote: post #152

Not remotely as extreme as this, but we had a lot of trouble conceiving of our second child, after a very complicated birth for our first. We did want a second child, though, so we went through all sorts of fertility treatments, with no results except for one miscarriage. Eventually we were tired of it and gave up. After a few months we were ready to give it another go, and we'd start with new fertility treatments af…

It's all still quite recent, but we're currently in a similar boat. We don't yet have a child though, only a miscarriage a few years ago. Around Christmas/New Years, we had a bit of a chat about things and, accepting that the clock is definitely ticking, we were going to consider trying one round of fertility treatments. We want kids enough, but also are pragmatic enough to accept that things just might not work out…

Congratulations with this great news in these complicated and confusing times!

Re: But life had other plans

#228

Post by Johanx64 »

SamoyedFurFluff wrote: post #196
vincentmarle wrote: post #189

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Like OP said: trust but verify. Speaking from experience, lol.

I’m sorry your trust was violated. Your traumatic experience where your trust was violated shouldn’t be used as a warning label for others. There is no reason to advocate that other people behave as if their partners are unfaithful without prior evidence because you personally were wronged in a deeply hurtful way. It is important to healthily evaluate what is a relatively uncommon but seriously hurtful thing that hap…

But how else are you going to get evidence? Doing a paternity test is the act of gathering data which could further be used as evidence of faithfulness of your partner.

Or else it's just blind trust without any firm footing in reality.

If you can't be arsed to do the test for a ONCE or TWICE in a lifetime kind of event with long term consequences because you somehow feel hurt that your partner isn't a fool who builds his life around blind faith.. well, there's not much to be said...

Re: But life had other plans

#230

Post by SamoyedFurFluff »

Johanx64 wrote: post #228
SamoyedFurFluff wrote: post #196

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m sorry your trust was violated. Your traumatic experience where your trust was violated shouldn’t be used as a warning label for others. There is no reason to advocate that other people behave as if their partners are unfaithful without prior evidence because you personally were wronged in a deeply hurtful way. It is important to healthily evaluate what is a relatively uncommon but seriously hurtful thing that hap…

But how else are you going to get evidence? Doing a paternity test is the act of gathering data which could further be used as evidence of faithfulness of your partner. Or else it's just blind trust without any firm footing in reality. If you can't be arsed to do the test for a ONCE or TWICE in a lifetime kind of event with long term consequences because you somehow feel hurt that your partner isn't a fool who builds…

This is a trauma response style logic where the bad/harmful thing is the default and the healthy thing needs to be proven. The fact of the matter is that cheating to the point of clandestinely having children is abnormal and unusual. It isn’t blind faith that your partner is faithful; your partner will show you their faithfulness just by the act of being your partner. It’s not staying out without explanation. It’s emotional engagement with the relationship. It’s transparency when things get boring. It’s the labor in keeping the relationship fresh and interesting. Overlooking this to lean towards mistrust also devalues the labor of your partner and shows your bias towards past trauma. I understand this thing is big stakes and is very hurtful, but even grand hurts doesn’t justify no longer paying attention to basic reality for over-cautious behavior.
Post reply on HN