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Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

dontasktoask.com

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Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#21

Post by corobo »

watwut wrote: post #13
corobo wrote: post #9

This feels like one of those internet rules that stems from a neurodiverse IRC-type crowd Neurotypical people use this sort of social foreplay as a way to handshake a conversation[1], where the tech types want an input/output process devoid of mood and feeling It is silly and quite time wasting online too, but it's what they need to feel comfortable asking you questions. I figure if they need to adapt to some of my q…

> Neurotypical people use this sort of social foreplay as a way to handshake a conversation[1], where the tech types want an input/output process devoid of mood and feeling Majority of "tech types" are neurotypical. Neurodiverse are minority in tech. There is more of them in tech then among teachers or something like that, but still. And even neuroatypical use elaborate rituals before they ask question. Even autists…

I understand the point you're making but I think you're focusing on the precise wording of my comment rather than the meaning

I am not a psychologist or therapist or anything, lets just assume I'm using the words wrong and grouping people inaccurately. I'm talking about the people who make internet rules like don't ask to ask vs the people that don't do that

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#22

Post by bluefirebrand »

corobo wrote: post #9

This feels like one of those internet rules that stems from a neurodiverse IRC-type crowd Neurotypical people use this sort of social foreplay as a way to handshake a conversation[1], where the tech types want an input/output process devoid of mood and feeling It is silly and quite time wasting online too, but it's what they need to feel comfortable asking you questions. I figure if they need to adapt to some of my q…

For me it's not because I want an input/output type conversation, it's because I want to maintain asynchronous conversation.

If I reply "I'm fine thanks how are you" then you know I'm here and looking, you've forced me to into a synchronous conversation and now I will appear rude if I don't immediately answer your "I just have a quick question"

If you just post your question upfront, I can read it and prioritize it myself based on what I am currently doing.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#23

Post by danaris »

blablabla123 wrote: post #8

True words for 1:n communication. For 1:1 communication it's a different thing though. I really prefer people to warn me before dropping a bomb

While it's polite, IMO, to include some form of greeting or other pleasantries, in any kind of asynchronous communication medium, I do not want to wake up to (or come back from lunch to, or whatever) someone saying "Hey" or "Can I ask you something?" Chances are, by the time I've said "sure, go ahead", the person won't be there anymore, and then both of us just have to wait frustratingly.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#25

Post by uhtred »

This doesn't bother me so much as I would just not reply until the question comes. What pisses me off is when someone asks: "Can someone just quickly do x for me?". It trivializes the amount of work you are asking me to commit to doing. It's a task that only someone skilled in that particular technology can do. Why don't YOU quickly do it? Oh, because you can't.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#26

Post by pevey »

corobo wrote: post #9

This feels like one of those internet rules that stems from a neurodiverse IRC-type crowd Neurotypical people use this sort of social foreplay as a way to handshake a conversation[1], where the tech types want an input/output process devoid of mood and feeling It is silly and quite time wasting online too, but it's what they need to feel comfortable asking you questions. I figure if they need to adapt to some of my q…

I think that is part of it, and part is also copying a pattern that is appropriate in some situations into situations where it isn't.

Meaning: I totally agree with the article that asking to ask is a complete waste of time on Internet forums, especially technical ones. Those intro questions usually go unanswered, as they should IMO.

OTOH, what I thought the article might be about before I read it, is when people in RL say something like, "May I you ask a question?" before asking a potentially sensitive question. There are valid psychology reasons to do that in certain situations.

It's common for people to mimic conversation patterns, mostly unconsciously. They can get copied into situations where it is just a waste of time.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#27

Post by SketchySeaBeast »

bluefirebrand wrote: post #22
corobo wrote: post #9

This feels like one of those internet rules that stems from a neurodiverse IRC-type crowd Neurotypical people use this sort of social foreplay as a way to handshake a conversation[1], where the tech types want an input/output process devoid of mood and feeling It is silly and quite time wasting online too, but it's what they need to feel comfortable asking you questions. I figure if they need to adapt to some of my q…

For me it's not because I want an input/output type conversation, it's because I want to maintain asynchronous conversation. If I reply "I'm fine thanks how are you" then you know I'm here and looking, you've forced me to into a synchronous conversation and now I will appear rude if I don't immediately answer your "I just have a quick question" If you just post your question upfront, I can read it and prioritize it m…

Yup. And for the sender you don't need to wait around to know you have the go-ahead for a response, if you ask it well enough you should be good to go the next time you look. The key is to say everything you wanted to say as clearly as possible. Save everyone time and get the answers you want with the most efficiency.

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#28

Post by thenerdhead »

This advice applies best in business settings. Business is transactional and it's very rare that someone wants to "get to know you". Those who do, will let you know by getting more involved or talking to you outside of these types of requests, not just out of the blue.

I'm a huge fan of no hello & "just ask" in our future world of async work.

https://sbmueller.github.io/nohello/

Re: Don't ask to ask, just ask (2019)

#29

Post by globular-toast »

NhanH wrote: post #17
corobo wrote: post #9

This feels like one of those internet rules that stems from a neurodiverse IRC-type crowd Neurotypical people use this sort of social foreplay as a way to handshake a conversation[1], where the tech types want an input/output process devoid of mood and feeling It is silly and quite time wasting online too, but it's what they need to feel comfortable asking you questions. I figure if they need to adapt to some of my q…

No that’s not the reason. In large channel, asking to ask just straight up spam the channel. In small channel, the communication is mostly async. And by the time someone saw your “Can I ask something” message, you are probably offline.

Exactly. I'm far from "neurotypical" but I definitely use small talk in real life when appropriate. It's just not appropriate for IRC or other media like letters, email etc.
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