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A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

jakobgreenfeld.com

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Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#191

Post by pjerem »

mb_72 wrote: post #109

Hmmm, I would never use such a system as for one thing - if people aren't contacting me, why should I care about contacting them? I have several 'best friends', maybe twice that 'friends', and then a bunch more I interact with sometimes, and I feel this is relatively normal. Also, I don't care actually if it's not normal, and don't feel I'm missing out on anything. That said, I'm quite the introvert and generally val…

> if people aren't contacting me, why should I care about contacting them?

That’s my current main interrogation in life and honestly, I have not found the answer.

I feel alone, but I have a fair number of "old friends" I barely contact anymore. I want to keep in touch but don’t know what to say. And they don’t spontaneously contact me, neither do I. It’s a chicken and egg problem. Maybe people don’t care about me. But they could feel the same about me.

Am I strange or is everyone just bad at keeping in touch ?

The few times I did spontaneously contact old friends, it was pretty cool. We had some drink and updates, and enjoyed it. So I think it’s just we are all bad. But it’s exhausting.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#192

Post by terafo »

smilespray wrote: post #167
jakobgreenfeld wrote: post #161

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What could be a good alternative?

I'm going to set aside an hour every couple of weeks and do it manually. Any automation beyond that would feel a little fake or forced to me, personally.

I don't think that's a good idea. If you set aside some time every few weeks to do that it won't fell good. You will be contacting many people in the little span of time and won't be able to have a conversation with all of them. On the other side, if you have your contact reminders distributed so you have just a couple of them per day, that way you can really care about each and every time you contact a person.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#193

Post by nefitty »

m3nu wrote: post #184
jakub_g wrote: post #169

My main issue with keeping in touch with people is that texting someone you only vaguely know is kinda weird. You don't see the other person, you don't hear them, you can't know what's in their mind. Those exchanges often just hang in a weird void after a few texts and it's unsure when/how to continue from there. On the other hand, calling someone you don't know well (even someone you do know!) feels even weirder and…

I find it nice, if it's not spammy. Two relatively distant friends starting do a quarterly "newsletter" of their projects and I found myself getting in touch with them more often. Same with strangers on social media. Often good things happen when you 'just go for it'.

Yeah, a big part of being social is about stifling the expectation of rejection. No one is going to yell at you for asking how their day was. No one is going to call the cops if you send them a text "Hey, wanted to catch up. How's your week going? I saw this super insightful comment by nefitty on HN about being social and it made me realize we hadn't talked in a bit."

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#194

Post by otikik »

l33tbro wrote: post #97
otikik wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I see how it might look like that, but you are missing a critical point. Everyone is different. What comes naturally to some doesn't come naturally to others. For a lot of people (me included) keeping in touch with others doesn't come "naturally". We miss contact, and yet we sheldom establish it. There are many reasons for this: poor time management skills, low self-esteem, simple lack of practice, etc. In any case,…

Then why do they frame connection in terms of a habit that yields "unlimited upside" and prevents you from missing out on opportunities? You are absolutely right that people are different, but this person comes across a little transactional and an exemplar of the Zuckerborg meme.

I think you might be overblowing things. The quotes are:

> Staying in touch [...] require[s] little effort, time and resources but has an unlimited upside

In this case the "unlimited upside" is set in contraposition to the amount of effort it requires. It might not exactly true (it's not "unlimited") but it's "big".

> Unfortunately, for most people (me included) this isn’t something that happens naturally. So unless you have a solid system, chances are high that you won’t reach out to people regularly and miss out on a ton of fun and opportunities.

What puts it in context for me is that first one in the second quote: this article is addressing people with difficulties keeping in touch. If you're not that, the article is not for you, and at's ok.

Once that's clear, the other phrases read to me like motivational speech - for others and for the author themselves.

If the article was about weight lifting, it would start by talking about the health benefits it can bring.

A lot of friendships are (mutually) beneficial. Others are more neutral, and yes, some are pernicious. But you are not going to get people motivated to maintain them or make new ones if you lead with that. That'd be starting the weight lifting article by listing all the different injuries you can get.

> Zuckerborg meme.

I think you might be showing a lack of empathy here.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#195

Post by gjulianm »

lordnacho wrote: post #187
gjulianm wrote: post #160

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I get thinking about a system like this. I have given some thought about building something similar, but always ended up abandoning it for the exact same reasons this post strikes me as extremely weird: - It feels weird classifying people in boxes of desired contact frequency. How do you decide that? Does the author think "I honestly don't care enough about this person to contact them more than once a year" ? Then wh…

> Relationships are two-way, so you'd expect that the other part initiates contact a significant amount of the times. Seems both fair and reasonable, but IME it's wrong. It's wrong in a way that is stable as well, and that is why it takes effort to fight: people easily get anxious about rejection, and they easily get it in their heads that the other person doesn't want to hear from them. Anything from "we had a bad i…

> It's wrong in a way that is stable as well, and that is why it takes effort to fight: people easily get anxious about rejection, and they easily get it in their heads that the other person doesn't want to hear from them. Anything from "we had a bad interaction" to "they didn't reply last time" seems to be an excuse to cut contact.

I get that can happen with some relationships. But with all of them? I think that even accounting for some relationships where contact is one-sided, maintaining the "last contact" column is going to be a real hassle, and I find it weird it's not even mentioned.

> Kinda like TCP, you can have an open connection even though nothing is sent over it.

I honestly don't think so. A consistent lack of response usually indicates the other person doesn't care.

> I have a number of friends who are super warm and chummy when I'm near them, but they never take it upon themselves to initiate anything.

And I do think that the best thing to do in that case is to tell them that they should make an effort to initiate contact. I don't need them to be on a schedule, but I'd like to think that my friends won't forget about me completely if I stop contacting them.

Again, I get that some relationships can be one-sided. But not all. That's why I find it weird that the system doesn't really plan for that.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#196

Post by terafo »

gjulianm wrote: post #190
terafo wrote: post #177

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Think of it as the lowest common denominator. It isn't "this person is not important, so I will contact them only once a year", it is "this person is important enough for me to contact them AT LEAST once per year". Flexibility isn't lost, but you have baseline level of commitment to every relationship. If you don't want to contact that person anymore - it's a conscious choice, not "just lost touch", but if you want t…

> but you have baseline level of commitment to every relationship. Well, the issue is that baseline level of commitment is extremely low, to the point where I don't think it's an actual relationship if you only talk once a year. Once a year and zero are practically the same. > You, obviously, SHOULD try to read blog/twitter/whatever BEFORE contacting that person, try to find something interesting there and talk about…

>Well, the issue is that baseline level of commitment is extremely low, to the point where I don't think it's an actual relationship if you only talk once a year. Once a year and zero are practically the same.

If your interactions sum up to a baseline level for a few times, you should lower frequency with which you contact a person. If it is already at the lowest level, you should stop talking. You are just making sure that you don't loose contact with anyone who you don't want to loose contact with, that's all.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#197

Post by alisonatwork »

pjerem wrote: post #191
mb_72 wrote: post #109

Hmmm, I would never use such a system as for one thing - if people aren't contacting me, why should I care about contacting them? I have several 'best friends', maybe twice that 'friends', and then a bunch more I interact with sometimes, and I feel this is relatively normal. Also, I don't care actually if it's not normal, and don't feel I'm missing out on anything. That said, I'm quite the introvert and generally val…

> if people aren't contacting me, why should I care about contacting them? That’s my current main interrogation in life and honestly, I have not found the answer. I feel alone, but I have a fair number of "old friends" I barely contact anymore. I want to keep in touch but don’t know what to say. And they don’t spontaneously contact me, neither do I. It’s a chicken and egg problem. Maybe people don’t care about me. Bu…

This.

I tend to move countries every few years, which means I leave many of my friends behind. For a while, social media was a good way to keep in touch, but nowadays nobody I know regularly logs in to social media any more (me included), so that route is gone.

About a year ago I decided to start doing a 3-6 month email blast, like those family holiday letters people used to send in the snail mail days. About half my friends I wasn't able to find their email addresses, and when I contacted them on social media they didn't reply. The other half received the email blast, but only two or three have ever responded.

You'd think this means none of my friends are "real friends". But I have since then run into a few of those people in person and it was like nothing changed, our friendship continued how it was years ago for an afternoon or an evening. So I don't think it's that other people don't want to maintain the friendship, it's more that we have kinda lost the knowledge of how to keep in touch. And I'm not sure how to fix it.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#198

Post by k__ »

a friend of mine would send all people he knew new years wishes via regular mail.

It was hundreds of letters he would all print out and sign manually.

Most people would ignore it, a few even found it offiensive fo receive a mass letter.

But every year dozens answered with a happy reply.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#199

Post by endymi0n »

adwww wrote: post #174
jakub_g wrote: post #169

My main issue with keeping in touch with people is that texting someone you only vaguely know is kinda weird. You don't see the other person, you don't hear them, you can't know what's in their mind. Those exchanges often just hang in a weird void after a few texts and it's unsure when/how to continue from there. On the other hand, calling someone you don't know well (even someone you do know!) feels even weirder and…

Yeah I tried giving up social media for a while and just texting my actual friends etc instead. It works for the groups of friends that we have active WhatsApp groups with. But especially texting friends of the opposite sex - now that we're grown up, married, etc - just feels invasive, unless it's asking a specific question, or to arrange something.

I feel exactly the same, and honestly, it keeps me from approaching some people I‘d like to.

If anyone has figured out a pretext or mental framework for warming up conversations that have effectively died long ago, I would be delighted to know about it.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#200

Post by zoom6628 »

mettamage wrote: post #119

Some comments here claim that he is treating people not as friends. IMO these comments are not charitable a interpretation. While it is a plausible interpretation, I have strongly learned from HN to be charitable and optimistic when reading someone else's point of view. I know with topics like this that perspectives vary more wildly among people, so let me show you why I can be more optimistic in my interpretation. I…

Yep. I’m bad at contacting family and my 700+ ppl in LinkedIn and yes I know them all or would not add them in the first place. Definitely going to try this.
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