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A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people
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Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people
#152[deleted]
Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people
#153Earlier quoted context omitted.
I see how it might look like that, but you are missing a critical point. Everyone is different. What comes naturally to some doesn't come naturally to others. For a lot of people (me included) keeping in touch with others doesn't come "naturally". We miss contact, and yet we sheldom establish it. There are many reasons for this: poor time management skills, low self-esteem, simple lack of practice, etc. In any case,…
> We miss contact, and yet we sheldom establish it. That's me. that's why my friends are the ones who contact me. they are my reminder. if I start contacting them now, they would think I am going to die soon. > I see what this person is doing as a way to remove the friction and create a new habit It doesn't work like that though. It's not like using an alarm to wake up at a certain hour and suddenly you realize your…
I have a friend like that. Whenever we meet we have fun, but she never contacts me. She tells me that's just how she is with everyone, and that she really likes hanging out, she just doesn't initiate, which is fair, but it still feels like she doesn't value me, no matter how much I logically know otherwise.
These days I try to override the feeling and initiate first, because I know that she really does want to hang out, but the feeling is deeply ingrained and hard to shake.
What I'm basically saying is that maybe you should try a bit more, because this way has certainly lost you a few friends over the years. Maybe it works for you, though, no judgment.
Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people
#154Earlier quoted context omitted.
But this doesn't work for contacts I do not reach regularly... I just forget about them when I don't reach them at all for some longer time.
That’s good! It means people who aren’t actually part of your busy life will get pruned out, and you’ll be left with more time to deal with people who actually matter.
Shit happens, you might have crunch at work for some time and spend much less time on social activities in that period, which means that you loose contacts with anyone but close friends. It requires conscious effort to leave that state. And there are different types of social connections, there are those where not much happens for some time, but then in very short period of time A LOT happens. That is the case for some of my friends that don't live in my city.
Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people
#155So he's treating people like assets, not friends, and these assets need to be checked on on a regular basis. If there were friends, he'd not need to be reminded of contacting them. He'd miss contacting them. So instead he needs a tool to remind him of that "friend" he needs to contact, because pretending to care is beneficial. One might some day need them. It's incredibly sad that his social life, or rather: the illu…
He also pretty much screws up the whole system by announcing it like this. There's no way I'd feel anything but manipulation coming my way if I was his friend and a message from this guy popped up in my notifications.
Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people
#156So he's treating people like assets, not friends, and these assets need to be checked on on a regular basis. If there were friends, he'd not need to be reminded of contacting them. He'd miss contacting them. So instead he needs a tool to remind him of that "friend" he needs to contact, because pretending to care is beneficial. One might some day need them. It's incredibly sad that his social life, or rather: the illu…
He's delegating his humanity and friendships into a spreadsheet! Next stop, do the interactions themselves in the cloud!!
Makes sense for networking though. Which I think is what he's actually getting at.
Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people
#157Earlier quoted context omitted.
Similarly I often think of my friends plus wider circle, but I‘m terribly unorganized except I make a conscious effort. That means writing things down, set reminders and so on. Love and organization of social life are orthogonal.
>but I‘m terribly unorganized I really should call XY is such a common thought that fades away a second later. Even if it's someone I am really fond of. If they're not in my immediate circle, it's going to be additional work to keep that relationship alive. Putting it on my calendar or as a reminder actually makes me reach out to that person. Win-win. If anything, this shows me _caring_ about someone. Many of these c…
> I really should call XY is such a common thought that fades away a second later.
This is exactly right. I am constantly thinking of people that I should get in touch with, but never at a time that would actually be appropriate to do so. It'll be the random work-day thought that disappears by the time I'm done, or it will be sometime unreasonably late.
Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people
#158Earlier quoted context omitted.
I see how it might look like that, but you are missing a critical point. Everyone is different. What comes naturally to some doesn't come naturally to others. For a lot of people (me included) keeping in touch with others doesn't come "naturally". We miss contact, and yet we sheldom establish it. There are many reasons for this: poor time management skills, low self-esteem, simple lack of practice, etc. In any case,…
> We miss contact, and yet we sheldom establish it. That's me. that's why my friends are the ones who contact me. they are my reminder. if I start contacting them now, they would think I am going to die soon. > I see what this person is doing as a way to remove the friction and create a new habit It doesn't work like that though. It's not like using an alarm to wake up at a certain hour and suddenly you realize your…
You are rationalizing your selfishness and laziness. Relationships are a two-way street.
Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people
#159Earlier quoted context omitted.
I see how it might look like that, but you are missing a critical point. Everyone is different. What comes naturally to some doesn't come naturally to others. For a lot of people (me included) keeping in touch with others doesn't come "naturally". We miss contact, and yet we sheldom establish it. There are many reasons for this: poor time management skills, low self-esteem, simple lack of practice, etc. In any case,…
> We miss contact, and yet we sheldom establish it. That's me. that's why my friends are the ones who contact me. they are my reminder. if I start contacting them now, they would think I am going to die soon. > I see what this person is doing as a way to remove the friction and create a new habit It doesn't work like that though. It's not like using an alarm to wake up at a certain hour and suddenly you realize your…
I called my best friend this January, because I hadn't spoken to him in months or years.
I decided to do it. It didn't come naturally.
He was happy I called.
I don't know next time we'll call because none of us are the kind who does call for no good reason (maybe a reason why we like each other ; - )
Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people
#160Some comments here claim that he is treating people not as friends. IMO these comments are not charitable a interpretation. While it is a plausible interpretation, I have strongly learned from HN to be charitable and optimistic when reading someone else's point of view. I know with topics like this that perspectives vary more wildly among people, so let me show you why I can be more optimistic in my interpretation. I…
I get thinking about a system like this. I have given some thought about building something similar, but always ended up abandoning it for the exact same reasons this post strikes me as extremely weird:
- It feels weird classifying people in boxes of desired contact frequency. How do you decide that? Does the author think "I honestly don't care enough about this person to contact them more than once a year" ? Then why are these people still "friends"?
- Lack of flexibility. Organic relationships will have different contact frequencies over time. For example, I might have inconsistent contacts with a friend that I've known for a long time because of reasons, but if they're having a rough time I will probably be more attentive and want to contact them more frequently.
- Relationships are two-way, so you'd expect that the other part initiates contact a significant amount of the times. Given the myriad of ways that contact can happen, updating the database for hundreds of people can be a real hassle. The fact that this is not mentioned at all indicates that a lot of these might be one-way relationships, not actual friendships.
- I find it really really hard to write non-artificial messages when contacting on a schedule. Maybe the first one can be believable, but the second or third time you contact someone without any obvious trigger, it starts to feel weird. I think most people would catch wind that the other person is not contacting organically but on some kind of schedule, and I guess it could make them feel really weird about it: "This person doesn't really think of me, doesn't see any of my social media/blog/whatever updates... why are they contacting me?"
I understand what other people are saying in the comments about forgetting to contact people or being too busy, and needing reminders. But I don't think that's the same problem the author is solving.