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A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

jakobgreenfeld.com

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Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#141

Post by rowanajmarshall »

lelandfe wrote: post #13
WastingMyTime89 wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

He didn’t talk about friends you are. Still you can safely assume most of the people in the three weeks category are close contacts. Unless you are in college and have little to no obligations, it gets hard to stay in touch with all your friends and keep track of what is happening to them. It’s not treating people like assets. He is putting efforts on his side towards keeping connections and to do that he needs tools…

The author explicitly says the goal of this work is for opportunities

Yes - opportunities for house parties, for new flatmates. For joining a D&D group, or a sports team. Maybe for a new job, or a new hire. Or even a future partner.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#142

Post by p_l »

hungryforcodes wrote: post #135
l33tbro wrote: post #115

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Because valuing close friends through the lens of what personal gain they may yield is more than a little sociopathic?

So we should become friends with people we don't value? Like random people on the street? It's a good idea, but would be exhausting.

At no point does he talk about making everyone into a deep friend. I guess english language is just incapable of explaining it due to not enough words to express the spectrum?

Do note that he has different "frequency" categories (which don't have to map to "type of friendship" same way even in that one database!).

Some are just people he is interested in meeting, maybe keeping in light contact over time. Some more often. Some so often that he actually pushes his schedule to ensure regular time for meetings, something that can be ridiculously hard even without crippling anxiety.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#143

Post by pell »

dgb23 wrote: post #83
iovrthoughtthis wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"if you cared, you'd remember" glad you have this experience, i dont think all of us do. i care deeply but seem to forget people exist and that makes me sad and dislike myself. i wish i could just remember. id still have so many friends if i did.

Similarly I often think of my friends plus wider circle, but I‘m terribly unorganized except I make a conscious effort. That means writing things down, set reminders and so on. Love and organization of social life are orthogonal.

>but I‘m terribly unorganized

I really should call XY is such a common thought that fades away a second later. Even if it's someone I am really fond of. If they're not in my immediate circle, it's going to be additional work to keep that relationship alive.

Putting it on my calendar or as a reminder actually makes me reach out to that person. Win-win. If anything, this shows me _caring_ about someone. Many of these conversations with the people I have in mind often start where we left off too - no matter how many weeks or months in between - which makes me think this all is not about a lack of connection.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#145

Post by ivanche »

MrYellowP wrote: post #5

So he's treating people like assets, not friends, and these assets need to be checked on on a regular basis. If there were friends, he'd not need to be reminded of contacting them. He'd miss contacting them. So instead he needs a tool to remind him of that "friend" he needs to contact, because pretending to care is beneficial. One might some day need them. It's incredibly sad that his social life, or rather: the illu…

How did you conclude he’s talking about friends? In the whole article word "friend" doesn’t appear even once. Also, a person can hardly have hundreds of friends. Three, sure. Seven, very probably. Twelve, maybe. But hundreds? Impossible.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#146

Post by gjulianm »

MattGaiser wrote: post #31
MrYellowP wrote: post #5

So he's treating people like assets, not friends, and these assets need to be checked on on a regular basis. If there were friends, he'd not need to be reminded of contacting them. He'd miss contacting them. So instead he needs a tool to remind him of that "friend" he needs to contact, because pretending to care is beneficial. One might some day need them. It's incredibly sad that his social life, or rather: the illu…

> If there were friends, he'd not need to be reminded of contacting them. No, things just slip your mind, especially if there are a lot of other things going on in life. People forget to take medications that when not taken lead to psychotic breaks. It isn't because they don't care about being sane. People forget their kids in cars. They didn't casually want them dead of overheating. I have friends that when time all…

I don't think the comparison is apt.

I think this is something that's being glossed over completely: friendships are two-way, and also flexible. It's not a medication that needs to be taken on a schedule, and it's not a kid that completely depends on you to do things. I don't think a relationship that's only alive because of scheduled contacts can be called a friendship.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#148

Post by p_l »

pell wrote: post #143
dgb23 wrote: post #83

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Similarly I often think of my friends plus wider circle, but I‘m terribly unorganized except I make a conscious effort. That means writing things down, set reminders and so on. Love and organization of social life are orthogonal.

>but I‘m terribly unorganized I really should call XY is such a common thought that fades away a second later. Even if it's someone I am really fond of. If they're not in my immediate circle, it's going to be additional work to keep that relationship alive. Putting it on my calendar or as a reminder actually makes me reach out to that person. Win-win. If anything, this shows me _caring_ about someone. Many of these c…

This reminds me of anecdotes from... Time Management for System Administrators, by Tom Limoncelli. He talks exactly about "Won't people think I don't care if I have to write it down in a diary?" and mentions how, at least in his experience when reaching for diary for everything, people actually reacted positively - the extra effort of ensuring a note was made, calendar appointment created, schedule arranged made them feel that he was willing to spend some effort on them, instead of just doing the minimum.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#149

Post by l33tbro »

dskloet wrote: post #125
l33tbro wrote: post #115

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Because valuing close friends through the lens of what personal gain they may yield is more than a little sociopathic?

Why? Happiness and valuable shared experiences are also gains.

What about my alcoholic friend I've known for 20 years that is destroying his life and lashing out at me right now because he is sick? Or my heavily depressed friend of 30 years who I sat with on the weekend? Not everything is about extracting maximum personal happiness. Friendship can also be about service.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#150

Post by TheAceOfHearts »

MrYellowP wrote: post #5

So he's treating people like assets, not friends, and these assets need to be checked on on a regular basis. If there were friends, he'd not need to be reminded of contacting them. He'd miss contacting them. So instead he needs a tool to remind him of that "friend" he needs to contact, because pretending to care is beneficial. One might some day need them. It's incredibly sad that his social life, or rather: the illu…

People with ADHD sometimes forget people even exist when they're out of sight.

Just because your built-in OS lacks a scheduler and notifications to remind you to keep a connection with friends doesn't mean you don't care about them.

Sometimes the person might even receive the notification but fails to act on it because of poor social conditioning.

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