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A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

jakobgreenfeld.com

51–60 of 510 posts

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm not sure I agree with your take here, it's rather uncharitable. I've lost touch with friends because I failed to do this sort of thing, it's easy to not keep up with people when there is no immediate driver or common interest (perhaps I'm atypical or neurodivergent) this is multiplied when you leave a country and no longer see some people on a regular basis. A system like this would ensure my forgetful nature doe…

How do you manage to lose touch with friends? Did you not miss them? If you did, why didn't you contact them? If you didn't, why do you care? One can not forget about friends, one can only stop caring.

I grew up moving a lot before email was ubiquitous.

Also all my family is overseas.

As a kid I would try so hard to stay in touch and it never worked. The harder I tried the more it hurt for those attempts to fail.

But I'd see family once a year or so and we'd catch up and it was always wonderful.

I think about people all the time, but it doesn't trigger my reaching out.

It's like a really deeply ingrained learned helplessness or generalized relational despair.

Some people for a variety of reasons, some cognitive, some environmental, don't have their internal desires intrinsically tied to the psychological pressure to take action.

Due to surgeries and anesthesia I also developed aphantasia, so anything short of in person interactions feels quite hollow.

Be glad your experience in life is healthy and normative, for some of us it takes effort.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#55

So he's treating people like assets, not friends, and these assets need to be checked on on a regular basis. If there were friends, he'd not need to be reminded of contacting them. He'd miss contacting them. So instead he needs a tool to remind him of that "friend" he needs to contact, because pretending to care is beneficial. One might some day need them. It's incredibly sad that his social life, or rather: the illu…

If I write my friend's birthdays on a calendar, prompting me to contact them on their birthdays, do you think that's treating them as assets not friends? If not, what is the relevant difference?

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#56
post #7

Let me just point that the messages must be genuine and thoughtful. It is written in the article, but it seems that some people failed to notice it and accuse the author of objectivization and hypocrisy.

No post body was provided.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For so long we were (and still are) called a human resource, whole departments and studies devoted for human resource management. Treating people like assest fits here.

Doesn't make it okay. At all. "Human resources" is dehumanizing. Treating people like assets is dehumanizing. If I told my friends that I had software reminding me of contacting them, they'd consider that we're not actually friends, because friends don't need to be reminded of friends . When there's no bond reminding me, then they're not friends. One cares about friends. When you forget about them, then you're not ac…

It appears that you feel strongly about this and that is ok.

I would only ask you to please be kind to people who do not share your experiences, social skills or background, e.g. introverts, people suffering from social anxiety, people who are on the spectrum or have ADHD... Hundreds of millions of people, who are fully cable of caring, loving and having close friends, yet have trouble maintaining friendships not because they are bad friends, but because their brains and emotions work differently through no choice or fault of their own.

If such a tool can help someone maintain a close friendship that would otherwise have fizzled, then that tool has made the world a slightly better place.

I don't expect this to change your opinion, but it might be useful to hear a different perspective.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#58
post #18

Something that really freaks me out about the world is how much power tech people have and that their sociopathic behaviour, like treating all your personal relationships as transactional data, is considered a "simple system".

It’s not a tech thing and is not sociopathic. Sells have been keeping cards on their customers for centuries and a whole category of software exists for that, CRMs. I personally can’t remember the names and ages of all the children of all the people I interact with. I still take the time to take notes about it when I can and review them before seeing someone. I still think it’s better than not caring at all.

Reading the comments on this discussion it seems that a significant part of HN is suddenly discovering that fostering relationships and keeping a network alive actually requires work.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#59

There seems to be a non-fringe sentiment that "this is pretending to care" or "you can't automate friendship", etc. I see where it's coming from, and I agree to some extent - I wouldn't want to be contacted "for the sake of it". Feeling like it's a chore for the other person that they have to get through, in the hopes of some (maybe financial?) reward at the end of it. However, I think this approach warrants some def…

> but because I genuinely have a hard time finding enough time for all the things that matter in life.

Mate. It takes seconds to send a simple text message/mail "Hey, how're you doing?" while sitting on the toilet.

Everyone sits on the toilet, quite regularly.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#60
At least for me when friendships/relationships become transactional it loses a lot of the value. This method of staying in touch feels _very_ transactional, and I just imagine sending some random person you spoke to a few times in high school/university a message every 6 months - 1 year.

Some people aren't meant to be in your life forever, and that's okay! However, there the people you choose to make time for will stick around.

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