Riding out the wave from the last tech boom, one day I'll look at my savings + day to day work and decide it's time to retire and that will be that.
Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?
641–650 of 890 posts
Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?
#642> I increasingly wish I could go back to my 20s. Now I feel too old to go to festivals, bars and clubs and make new friends that way.
I'm 40, and I guarantee you are not too old for things. If you used to meet new people in bars, you still can. No, you shouldn't go to bars that are predominately people in their early 20s. Find bars (and other venues) that tend to attract a crowd closer to your age. As much as I dislike meetup.com, resources like that can help you find people who like to do the things you like to do, and can introduce you to new things if you're willing to take a leap.
I will admit that the pool of people is probably smaller. People pair off and start families as they get older. Even if they only pair off, couples probably "go out" less often than single people. But also consider that people are getting married later and starting families later these days. So there are still likely plenty of people out and about who share your values and likes.
> I feel like I've seen most things before, and it's all just different iterations of the same.
To some extent that's true, probably. But maybe that means you need some new hobbies. I assume by your "excited about new technologies" line that you're a software developer or similar. I, too, play around with tech as a hobby in addition to my job, but make sure you're branching out and doing other things that have nothing to do with tech.
> I am single and haven't had a serious relationship for many years now.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself, or attach too many expectations to this, as that will have the opposite effect. If you're having trouble meeting people, try dating apps. They're far from perfect, but they help you get out there, and help you meet new people without having the stress of (for example) making a cold approach in a bar or something. Even if you don't find a long-term relationship on the apps, you may find it builds your confidence and helps you get back into the groove of meeting people.
> When I was ~30 I still considered myself young and able to do anything I could do when I was in my 20s. But not anymore now. I feel like my time for everything is running out. Have you been through a similar thing? How did you deal with it?
When I turned 30, I remember the 6 months or so leading up to it were a little stressful for me. The idea of leaving my 20s made me feel like I was "getting old", and I started cataloging what I'd done, and worried that it wasn't enough. But then I turned 30, and realized nothing special happened during that transition. I was still the same person, and I could still do what I wanted to do. Turning 40 last summer was similar. Sure, I'm realizing some things have changed: my body is aging, and I get injured (and take longer to heal) than I used to. I can't drink like I used to without consequences the next day. But I'm still me. I can still hang out with my friends, even those who have kids now. I can still invite people over for dinner. I can still go to bars with friends to catch up over beer or cocktails. I can still go out to restaurants. I can still go out to my favorite karaoke bar and have a wild night, as long as I don't do it too often (well, ok, haven't done that since the lull before COVID delta, and between delta and omicron).
You're turning 35, and even if you die somewhat on the young side, you're only a little more than a quarter of the way through your adult life. You have plenty of time to learn new things, develop new hobbies, further your career, meet new people, find a significant other, etc. While you need to try not to put crushing pressure on yourself to achieve these things, you also need to just get out and keep doing stuff that gives you the opportunity to accomplish these things.
Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?
#643I’m in my late 40s. Just gone through 15 years of absolute shit with an ex partner and financial chaos. Decided I’d fix it in 2019. Three important things to concentrate on: 1. Health. If that’s off, fix it first. Everything depends on health. Sort out your diet, physical fitness and health and mental health follows. I’m fitter than all my peers and both fitter and healthier than I was in my 20s. Can run a half marat…
+1 on health. I'm way older than both of you. Clean living and regular, vigorous, exercise has been the #1 key to loving yourself, confidence and mental health. Pays huge dividends later in life. As for relationships. As the old saying goes "If you are looking for a trout, don't fish in a herring barrel". Do what you want to do, travel where you want to go, join and participate in hobbies that you like. Group activit…
I think I need to realize this simple advice. Thanks.
Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?
#644You're more lucky than at least 99% of the people on Earth. You're young, educated, presumably healthy, and skilled. You have enough savings to survive for years if you budget well. I share some of those privileges, and it fills me with a deep sense of gratitude when I reflect on it. This leads to a desire to give back and help others. How you channel that is up to you.
There's so much more to the human experience than tech. I didn't have a liberal arts education, and spending time filling those gaps led to a new appreciation for literature, music, history, and philosophy. This expanded my pool of hobbies, and helps me connect with other people across more topics.
I assume you run or work out or something already so I'll skip the physical activity bit.
Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?
#645Earlier quoted context omitted.
+1 on health. I'm way older than both of you. Clean living and regular, vigorous, exercise has been the #1 key to loving yourself, confidence and mental health. Pays huge dividends later in life. As for relationships. As the old saying goes "If you are looking for a trout, don't fish in a herring barrel". Do what you want to do, travel where you want to go, join and participate in hobbies that you like. Group activit…
I think I need to realize this simple advice. Thanks.
It’s correct. Also why I have an ex wife. Hmm.
Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?
#646Earlier quoted context omitted.
Nope; social life is important. I find that I get overwhelmed and drained with large groups, but doing things with a group small enough to fit in a car together is fine. I personally have some hobbies I enjoy for their own sake, and meeting people through those has been rewarding. It’s good to have a mix of “close friends” who you can be open and will support you emotionally, and “activity buddies” who you can geek o…
I don't doubt that social life is important even for introverted people, but this advice[1] in particular would be quite painful for me, even if it's in a small group. The hitrate (micromarriage rate) would be too small. Wouldn't it just be a few hours of small talk 95% of the time? I am happy with a small handful of friends. If I'm going to add new ones, there has to be a significant overlap in interests that makes…
In my experience, you just have to accept the low hit rate. Worst case you’ll have some awkward small talk, best case you’ll meet people that you’ll find a lot in common with, and those relationships will last a while. You just have to accept that it’s going to be awkward a bunch of the time, but you have to put yourself in those situations.
Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?
#647Build a stronger "why." If you get the "why" right, everything else gets a lot easier. You're an emotional creature, work directly on the emotion. The founder of KFC started the business at the age of 62.
Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?
#648Earlier quoted context omitted.
Have you checked your vitamin D, vitamin B12 levels ? I am 25 and used to feel the same way. Not interested in things, giving up repeatedly on my gf/relationship, playing video games became a chore. I used to sleep less because of the stress of a very shitty job. Overall I felt like shit all the time. I read on the net that it might be because of a vitamin D deficiency. I took a medical test and it showed me that I w…
> playing video games became a chore Ouch. This is the one I identify the most with. I am, or was, a huge gamer. I used to play shooters, MMOs, and grindy RPGs and loved it. I could easily spend the whole day playing. Now I can barely play for more than an hour without feeling some kind of anxiety that I'm wasting my time or need to get to the goal as efficiently as possible. How can I fix this!? I'm already taking v…
> Ouch. This is the one I identify the most with. I am, or was, a huge gamer. I used to play shooters, MMOs, and grindy RPGs and loved it. I could easily spend the whole day playing.
> the fact that I don't have the option to do them is depressing to me.
> I definitely am less able to enjoy pleasure as I was many years ago
> Once I get back in front of the screen, it's back to the usual self.
I think there might be something here and I think I might have a video quite relevant for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvNCvCKJRBg
Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?
#649Earlier quoted context omitted.
Buy a bike with matching frame for your height, with good double suspension, e.g. with front and rear RockShox or better, and raise the handlebar to a comfortable height. Your back will thank you. Install all safety systems: front and rear bike lights, mirror, reflectors, use helmet, reflectors, wear reflective jacket, etc. You must be visible at the road at all times. (I use no helmet, because I'm trained to fall pr…
What does trained to fall properly mean? Are you absolutely sure there is such a thing? I doubt that there is, because the human neck is not strong enough to withstand many kinds of flat falls (just watch FailArmy for a while), and assuming you can prevent a flat fall during an accident is a bad assumption. Assuming you can avoid a head-first fall is a bad assumption, and assuming you’re not going to be struck by a c…
Falling safely is a motor skill. The way you "learn" it is by doing it, repeatedly, until your body starts to react in the right way. This is a problem for an adult cyclist on a road traveling at speed. There are consequences to falling. Many of us, however, have had enough experience during our youth on "single-track" to have racked up many falls onto soft ground at low speeds. That certainly helps to a certain extent.
Unfortunately, physics sometimes can present challenges that no human can adapt to regardless of practice. If your bike comes to hard stop when traveling fast enough, your body is going to do an "endo" and your face will impact the street in a matter of milliseconds. This happens before you can put your hands in front of your face. It can happen faster than your body can respond to the stimuli telling it that an crash is happening.
Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?
#650Welcome to your first existential life crisis! Mid-life (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis), quarter-life (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis), it's the same concept.
You are staring down the barrel of mortality. Your life is slowly ending, time does pass without your control, you will gradually stop being able to do the things you once did. Things that used to excite you don't as much, you haven't accomplished as much as you'd hope, you don't feel satisfied. You want to go back to the past, to feel those old feelings again, to have another chance to "get things right".
Good news! This is all normal, and you can deal with it.
First, accept reality. There is no "winning" at life. Whatever goals you thought you had, whatever accomplishments make up your self-identity, don't really matter. You are going to die. You are going to miss out on relationships, career opportunities, money. You are going to feel dissatisfied and like you've missed out on things (because you have!). But that is all OK.
As long as you provide for the 7 basic needs (air, water, sleep, safety, food, clothing, shelter), you have everything you need to be a successful human. So, whenever you feel like you're not living up to your potential, or promises, or something else, just review the 7 basic needs. Are those met? Then you're OK. Everything else is gravy.
Next, take stock of your life. What do you have? Money in the bank? A successful career? An expansive education? Shit, man, you've got the golden ticket. You can do pretty much anything you want in life. All you have to do is decide what you want. That's a pretty nice problem to have.
As you decide what to do, ask yourself why you want to do it. Sure, you could chase your youth. But why? If all that excites and interests you is the things you did in your 20s, then it makes sense. But you could also find new things and expand your life; find new music, new activities, new people. You could branch out and expand the scope of your life, enriching it with new things, or maybe just improving on existing things. But, if not, that's fine too!
When you know what you want to do, make a plan for the future. Account for the fact that how you do things now will be different than how you did them in the past. We constantly change, whether we want to or not. Grow into the change. Like new skin grows around you, let your plan and action fit into your life changes and vice versa.
Above all, do not measure yourself based on the past. The past is the past! You are a new man in every moment. Measure your current self against your plan for the future. Adapt the plan as you go. "No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy;" your life plans will also not work out exactly as planned. Adapt, regroup, continue.