Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#321

Post by nomilk » Sun, Feb 06, 2022, 2:19 PM UTC

This is nice advice from Tim Minchin's 9 Life Lessons speech:

> Americans on talent shows always talk about their dreams. Fine, if you have something that you’ve always dreamed of, like, in your heart, go for it! After all, it’s something to do with your time… chasing a dream. And if it’s a big enough one, it’ll take you most of your life to achieve, so by the time you get to it and are staring into the abyss of the meaninglessness of your achievement, you’ll be almost dead so it won’t matter.

> I never really had one of these big dreams. And so I advocate passionate dedication to the pursuit of short-term goals. Be micro-ambitious. Put your head down and work with pride on whatever is in front of you… you never know where you might end up. Just be aware that the next worthy pursuit will probably appear in your periphery. Which is why you should be careful of long-term dreams. If you focus too far in front of you, you won’t see the shiny thing out the corner of your eye.

Full video/transcript: https://www.timminchin.com/2013/09/25/occasional-address/

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#322

Post by FpUser » Sun, Feb 06, 2022, 2:19 PM UTC

imoldfella wrote: post #181

hughrr wrote: post #132

I’m in my late 40s. Just gone through 15 years of absolute shit with an ex partner and financial chaos. Decided I’d fix it in 2019. Three important things to concentrate on: 1. Health. If that’s off, fix it first. Everything depends on health. Sort out your diet, physical fitness and health and mental health follows. I’m fitter than all my peers and both fitter and healthier than I was in my 20s. Can run a half marat…

Good things, but Memento Mori. No matter what you do, your health will fail eventually. Decide what your life is about and get about doing it.

I am 60 but very active and fit. Can't overstate the importance of it. It makes me feel young and I am constantly working on new projects, have lots of energy and general positive outlook. Clients do not believe my age when they see me. They think I am 40. Meanwhile at one point (year 2000) I was total physical and mental wreck after working as a lead architect for a company. Went on my own since then.

What I do - My daily exercise routine is - 2 hour cardio (hike, cycle, swim if summer) and every other day 4 sets of 20 chin ups or 4 sets of 20 triceps dips for strength. Cardio takes time, strength does not as I have bars right close to my computer in my office.

Sure, one day it will all go downhill and I'll croak but for now I enjoy the life just as well as when I was 20.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#323

Post by yodsanklai » Sun, Feb 06, 2022, 2:19 PM UTC

> How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

> I am turning 35 years soon

35 is not old... this post is almost offensive.

But spoiler, it's going to get worse. At 35, you don't look old yet. At 40-45, ageism really starts to kick in and a lot of things get harder: e.g. dating, holding a technical job ...

What to do? most people have kids and revise their goals. Some put all their energy into work or hobbies. Some start to drink (very common after 40).

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#324

Post by lettergram » Sun, Feb 06, 2022, 2:22 PM UTC

> have about $500k in savings. I am single and haven't had a serious relationship for many years now.

You have wealth, a good set of skills, etc.

My advice is to work on yourself. Some basic rules:

1. Focus on personal growth - fitness, hobbies, health and goals (build self-esteem).

2. Find social groups - church, clubs, w.e. This helps foster relationships and a sense of community.

3. Build something. Could be a house, furniture, what have you.

Some basic, pretty universal truths:

We, as humans, seek a community. Whether people like to admit it or not, we want community, family, mates, and offspring. The majority of us need those things to feel fulfilled. We need support and we want to feel affection.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#325

Post by baremetal » Sun, Feb 06, 2022, 2:22 PM UTC

jkhdigital wrote: post #270

subpixel wrote: post #148

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The big difference is that settling down gives you things to care about deeply. Your family, the community your kids will grow up in, the experiences and skills you want your kids to grow up with. Absent that, my life was one long drawn-out example of “fear of missing out” and I flitted from thing to thing, place to place. Just make sure you marry above your station, emotionally.

> Just make sure you marry above your station, emotionally. This is one of the most pithy bits of marital advice I’ve ever read, but easier said than done! Emotional maturity seems to exhibit a very pronounced Dunning-Kruger effect. Also, people continue to mature emotionally in adulthood and this can occur at very different rates. Just as a vivid example, recovery from addiction/alcoholism can often create rapid cha…

i second the recovery from addiction as a catalyst for growth in emotional maturity.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#326

Post by janwillemb » Sun, Feb 06, 2022, 2:22 PM UTC

hughrr wrote: post #132

I’m in my late 40s. Just gone through 15 years of absolute shit with an ex partner and financial chaos. Decided I’d fix it in 2019. Three important things to concentrate on: 1. Health. If that’s off, fix it first. Everything depends on health. Sort out your diet, physical fitness and health and mental health follows. I’m fitter than all my peers and both fitter and healthier than I was in my 20s. Can run a half marat…

Another +1 for health, which is easy to improve by exercising. I started exercising (simple pushups and pullups) in 2019 and running a year ago. My social life has improved by this as well, it's just easier to do things when you're healthy. People also start making remarks about my physique, which is also nice :)

I was lucky to make new intimate friends as well around that time, which also really helps feeling connected. Exercise you just do, but for friendship you need some luck.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#327

Post by mberning » Sun, Feb 06, 2022, 2:23 PM UTC

mberning wrote: post #129

I think this is a pretty normal feeling to have. For myself it was a fine line between “accepting reality” and actual depression. Getting older and realizing half of your life is behind you is not the most uplifting topic. So that would be my first piece of advice, get some counseling or other mental health help. As for what to do beyond that, you didn’t really say much in your post. You briefly mentioned your relati…

Edit: also, if you have $500k liquid you could invest it in something like QYLD and draw roughly $5k/mo and try taking a sabbatical for a year.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#328

Post by geden » Sun, Feb 06, 2022, 2:23 PM UTC

Find a sport or sports that you enjoy. Focus on getting good at them with a coach and PT. Would recommend tennis and/or badminton. Join a local club.

That’s health and socialising covered. Which is most of happiness.

Oh and deal with any underlying trauma with a talking therapy and some kind of somatic therapy.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#329

Post by erwincoumans » Sun, Feb 06, 2022, 2:23 PM UTC

microtonal wrote: post #69

I feel like my time for everything is running out. Have you been through a similar thing? How did you deal with it? Professionally, I have felt that. I have been in academia for a long time, and there are always people who are smarter, more successful, etc. So by my mid-30ies I often felt like I had an ok-ish academic career, I could probably get a permanent position. But I have frequently felt like the point of maki…

You may have the opportunity to help others (students?) make their mark. That could be very rewarding.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#330

Post by tharne » Sun, Feb 06, 2022, 2:23 PM UTC

urban_strike wrote: post #225

dr_faustus wrote: post #103

I was in similar spot with around 30. My advice: 1.) Start dating. It might be a drag and maybe embarrassing at times, but obviously not being a loser having saved up half a mil in 10 years, you will probably find someone. Don't buy into that Hollywood "soulmate" crap. More likely than not there is already someone you know or at max someone one graph edge away which will be a perfectly fine partner for the rest of yo…

> I have a hard time to see any relevance in a life without children anymore. In my view, having kids is a great way to take off the existential pressure of life being meaningless, by just having a default "do it for them" answer to every single question or hardship in life. And what then will give your child's life such a straightforward meaning? Well, just have kids of their own I guess, and their kids the same, al…

> It always seems like a bit of a cop out to me. "Life is empty and meaningless, so I'll just have kids, let that fill up all my time, and maybe they can figure it out." I suppose that could be the history of humanity in a nutshell.

I understand the sentiment here, and prior to having children of my own, I would have agreed with you. But having kids brings tremendous meaning to one's life in a way that is difficult to explain - it has to be experienced. What you see as an infinite recursion, i.e.:

have children and find meaning --> your children find meaning from their children --> etc., etc. etc.

Being part of the ongoing chain of humanity, there's something beautiful about that lack of an endgame, just being a part of something and then passing the torch.