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Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#181

Post by imoldfella »

hughrr wrote: post #132

I’m in my late 40s. Just gone through 15 years of absolute shit with an ex partner and financial chaos. Decided I’d fix it in 2019. Three important things to concentrate on: 1. Health. If that’s off, fix it first. Everything depends on health. Sort out your diet, physical fitness and health and mental health follows. I’m fitter than all my peers and both fitter and healthier than I was in my 20s. Can run a half marat…

Good things, but Memento Mori. No matter what you do, your health will fail eventually. Decide what your life is about and get about doing it.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#182

Post by CodeGlitch »

dr_faustus wrote: post #103

I was in similar spot with around 30. My advice: 1.) Start dating. It might be a drag and maybe embarrassing at times, but obviously not being a loser having saved up half a mil in 10 years, you will probably find someone. Don't buy into that Hollywood "soulmate" crap. More likely than not there is already someone you know or at max someone one graph edge away which will be a perfectly fine partner for the rest of yo…

(2) This! Once you have kids your focus is on other people rather than yourself, which makes you a better human being... well that was my experience at least. Don't leave it too late.

Take a look at the current "feminism" movement that aims to empower women to be equal to men in the job market. What has happened in the West is that women are realising by the age of 40 they have a great job, but no kids or long term relationship to speak of. Instead they have surrounded themselves with cats :(

(not saying all Feminism is bad - it's done a lot of good in other aspects)

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#183

Post by adnmcq999 »

Yup. All of this except not professionally successful.

The economy is mostly based on people trying to fill a void. I was able to fill that w a person’s “love” but they left me for a younger, higher-earner who is probably better in bed too. I guess you better just accept it, try and be healthy, talk about it with friends and maybe something will come along that really does make you happy if you “get out there” whatever that means

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#184

Post by alt227 »

wayoutthere wrote: post #161
csee wrote: post #151

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What is your personality type? Are you extroverted? Would points (2) and (3) differ for someone who is introverted?

Nope; social life is important. I find that I get overwhelmed and drained with large groups, but doing things with a group small enough to fit in a car together is fine. I personally have some hobbies I enjoy for their own sake, and meeting people through those has been rewarding. It’s good to have a mix of “close friends” who you can be open and will support you emotionally, and “activity buddies” who you can geek o…

Glad this works for you, but humans are not all the same. Dont assume what makes you happy also makes other people happy. This is akin to telling somebody with depression to 'Cheer Up'.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#186

Post by jpetso »

ironslob wrote: post #35

I turned 40 recently, and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. My relationship had just ended, my startup had gone on ice thanks to Covid, and the international move I'd just made reversed in the space of days (due to the break-up). The feeling of "what am I doing with my life?" hit hard, I'd already been doing therapy for a while, but the lack of fulfilment and satisfaction is still there. Technology bores me mostly, e…

If you get bored by technology but want to give it another shot, see if you can find meaning around making it work for and with other people.

Perhaps you have an offline community that could benefit from some kind of automation, like generating tax receipts from a PDF template or organizing their resources and processes in a way (website?) that's useful for members.

Perhaps you're passionate about user freedoms, you explore an open source desktop environment and related apps but you find that it's still lacking in usability, stability or features. You dive in to make it better and in addition to doing good things for society as a whole, you also form bonds with other members of that developer community, first online, later at in-person meetups.

Perhaps you have an interest in mentoring and learning from each other, so you find like-minded people in your town. It could be coding meetups, pair programming sessions, conferences and presentations, helping tech noobs find their way into the industry. You might learn a bit and also pass on some of your own knowledge and experiences.

Either way, people-focused tech provides a different kind of fulfillment than tech for tech's sake. Worth a shot if you hadn't already tried to make it a focus!

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#187

Post by crazylifetwist »

gexla wrote: post #149
Digit-Al wrote: post #72

Firstly, stop this rubbish about getting old; with current life expectancies I wouldn't even consider someone middle aged until they are their forties. Old is probably late sixties to seventies. You still have a long way to go :-) Secondly, stop trying to define your life by "achieving". I know this is a difficult one, I'm still (sort of) struggling with this one. Achievements are ephemeral. Only an incredibly tiny m…

This is a great answer, and similar to mine. I feel there are a couple of things which happen around 35. - As a child, you feel special. At 35, it's as if you have been out so far from receiving presents from Santa that you sort of cross the heliosphere into interstellar space. You're no longer special. You're no longer the future in this society which has drilled into us the idea of (if you're from the US) American…

Thanks for this, it really resonates.

I'd add therapy/coaching helps in making sense of the journey, as you can't really figure out everything about you from within.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#188

Post by indymike »

Aeolun wrote: post #168
jimt222 wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>problem is that by 35 you can't get by on novelty anymore because you've seen some version of everything there is to see I'm 68 and this is self-limiting B.S. In the last few years I have seen many things I never saw before, and never imagined. Ironically, when I was about 30, I was in a similar position and complained to my dad that there was nothing new under the sun, everything is just a rehash of what has come b…

You don’t feel the amount of new things you see slows down considerably as you grow older? It’s not that you can’t find novel things any more if you go looking for them, but most everyday things hold no more (or less) excitement. I notice this especially much with my 3 year old son, for whom everything is fascinating. He’ll find out that sticking a bowl upside down in the water and turning it face up will make a lot…

> You don’t feel the amount of new things you see slows down considerably as you grow older?

Only if you stop exploring. When you think there's nothing new left to learn, nothing novel to experience, well, you stop looking. Start looking again.

> I notice this especially much with my 3 year old son, for whom everything is fascinating.

Spending time with kids is the best way there is to rediscover your sense of wonder.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#189

Post by bladegash »

alangibson wrote: post #79

This is almost exactly my life, shifted by a decade. The problem is that by 35 you can't get by on novelty anymore because you've seen some version of everything there is to see. The worst thing you can do is pine for the good old days. They aren't coming back. And they weren't that good anyway. Your best times are ahead if you can successfully adjust. What worked for me was putting down roots. I resisted it mightily…

Yep, concur with this - having children and a family gave me a sense of fulfillment and purpose that has never really diminished. Won’t say every day is amazing or life is any less difficult. However, there is definitely something to be said for living your life for others instead of your own enjoyment.

Re: Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

#190

Post by jimt222 »

Aeolun wrote: post #168
jimt222 wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>problem is that by 35 you can't get by on novelty anymore because you've seen some version of everything there is to see I'm 68 and this is self-limiting B.S. In the last few years I have seen many things I never saw before, and never imagined. Ironically, when I was about 30, I was in a similar position and complained to my dad that there was nothing new under the sun, everything is just a rehash of what has come b…

You don’t feel the amount of new things you see slows down considerably as you grow older? It’s not that you can’t find novel things any more if you go looking for them, but most everyday things hold no more (or less) excitement. I notice this especially much with my 3 year old son, for whom everything is fascinating. He’ll find out that sticking a bowl upside down in the water and turning it face up will make a lot…

Just one example: All my life I have been curious about human pre-history and ancient history. Never learned much about it along the way.

Now that I have time, I find an incredible wealth of knowledge and insight about early human history has been developed. I feel like a dim area of my understanding is being illuminated, like exploring a dark attic with a bright flashlight, it is very satisfying, and particularly when pieces fall into place and I have an "aha! so that is what that was all about" moment, it is exciting as well.

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