A friend lost a close family member suddenly.
Maybe the answer to this question is, "the same way you would care for anyone who is grieving." But do you have any special tips for caring for a fellow nerd/hacker?
Ask HN: How do you care for a nerd who is grieving?
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Re: Ask HN: How do you care for a nerd who is grieving?
#2I'm going through something similar.
Help find them things to do. Especially right now where working from home is the norm, I can often not see anyone for days at a time.
Re: Ask HN: How do you care for a nerd who is grieving?
#3Don't expect a person who is grieving to grieve in a particular way, particularly in the U.S. culture. Some people might want to talk about it, other people might not. Some people might cry, some people might not. It's personal. Be there for them.
Re: Ask HN: How do you care for a nerd who is grieving?
#4The reacharound assist. Let him decide when to resume face-to-face.
Re: Ask HN: How do you care for a nerd who is grieving?
#5The grieved might not be up for talking or doing much. Parallel play, where you’re both just in the same room doing your own thing on a laptop, can be a low pressure way to let them know they’re not alone.
Likewise, if this has been an exhausting time for them, don’t just say “how can I help”. Saying “hey, I’m making lasagna, do you want me to bring you one” or “I rented a power washer for the whole day, want me to swing by in the afternoon and do your porch” is an easier decision that requires less executive function.
Besides that, encourage them by saying you’re doing something to celebrate the deceased’s life. Big funerals aren’t happening, so the passing of a loved one can feel surreal. Knowing someone else is acknowledging the liss can mean a lot.
Re: Ask HN: How do you care for a nerd who is grieving?
#6Probably the best way to care for them is to ask how they want you to care for them. Everyone handles grief differently.
I went through this recently - for me I want to talk about it, over and over again. And I want hugs. And I found it helpful to have people check in on me from time to time to see how I was doing.
Re: Ask HN: How do you care for a nerd who is grieving?
#7Just be around. Dont force an outcome. Just be around.
Re: Ask HN: How do you care for a nerd who is grieving?
#8I'd focus on the basic needs: hygiene, sleep, food. Those tend to be the canaries in the nerd depression mine, in my experience. Try to gently steer things in the right direction.
Re: Ask HN: How do you care for a nerd who is grieving?
#9Let them grief. All you can do is assist them on their daily chores as much as possible: cleaning, groceries, taking care of pets.
Re: Ask HN: How do you care for a nerd who is grieving?
#10Just be around. Dont force an outcome. Just be around.
That is just damn good advice for a lot of situations.