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Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

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Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#381

Post by tarsinge »

jseban wrote: post #368
tarsinge wrote: post #358

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The more non-nerdy, the more likely you are to find non-nerdy people Just be careful what you are asking for. Non-nerdy people are becoming extremely boring in their 30's. I'm not sure why you would prefer discussing celebrities/sports results/car/superficial politics with good looking people instead of having a great time and connecting with people and not caring about how they look. Hopefully you can find interes…

It's not about looks, it's about social skills. Can someone be friendly, make friends, make you feel good. Or are they awkward, unpleasant and weird.

Social skills are a large set. Being introvert/shy and awkward in large gatherings doesn’t mean you can’t be a good friend. That stereotype of geeks all being “asocial assholes on the spectrum” belongs to the previous century, I don’t know, maybe watch a few YouTube D&D games to update your views.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#382

Post by tim333 »

cscurmudgeon wrote: post #325
throwawaynay wrote: post #2

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

I think you put your finger on the pulse. OP is probably very shallow and this could explain his loneliness.

Bit of a negative take.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#383

Post by throwaway300122 »

I don’t know why many people here seem to assume that finding a significant other will solve your happiness/loneliness problems.

I met a girl some years ago we are now married and even though the first year was great it has all started going downhill from there. I am now at a point where I hate my life, and as OP even though I’m making more money than I ever dreamed I am still miserable and still remember my broke college years as the best of my life.

Now I’m thinking about how to get a divorce without hurting my partner that much. It’s awful and I feel terrible for her. But I think it’s for the better as I definitely won’t stand 40+ years like this, I’m also in my thirties. Marriage is definitely a bad deal for men (and great for women). I can’t understand/believe how many men are able to marry twice. For me it’s enough to make a huge mistake once to learn from it and never do it again.

I guess in the end I’d say be careful what you wish for I’d trade places with you right away.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#384

Post by andrew_ »

sydthrowaway wrote: post #335
andrew_ wrote: post #94

I was in a similar rut 'round about 2013. I won't go into details, but sans a very small number of solid-as-granite people, my group of friends disintegrated for various reasons, including everyone I know getting married off, having kids, and being absorbed by one or the other. I got off of my ass. I moved to a completely new geographic area. I sampled every aspect, every neighborhood of my target area, and I looked…

How did you meet people in the new place?

I moved into an area and apartment complex that was conducive to meeting people.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#385

Post by tluyben2 »

tenonyx wrote: post #13
throwawaynay wrote: post #2

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

> So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want to meet people like me. I really don't like myself right now :) I'm looking for a way out from this state, not a way to settle in. It's like you can't treat depression by hanging out with other depressed people, it'll make you worse. > Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently…

> I'm afraid though, that it'll only lead me to meeting more and more developers

Digital nomadism wouldn't do that in my experience; have done that in Bali, HK, SG, Thai, for a while in China when it was more open etc; I met tons of people and while a few said they were programmers, they were not actually programmers (0 experience, bit of html); most were people (of all races/sexes/ages) that were 'doing their own startup' (99%+ horrible ideas; I have been a tech advisor in a few incubators and these would not pass anywhere, but that's not the point) or writing their first book. But they were mostly there for the freedom; the startup/book thing is more of an excuse to be on nice beaches, forest hikes etc. So it's very social.

The coworking places I found there also had close to 0 devs in them; worse, they all wanted me to 'jump in' (I did a few times which was not smart in hindsight).

Many of these people are actively social, attractive and easy to meet up with for drinks, food, sports, walks, etc etc. And then maybe your new startup so you can do that forever.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#388

Post by anon2020dot00 »

rakejake wrote: post #297
anon2020dot00 wrote: post #79

Instead of the usual advice of taking-up hobbies, I think what's more interesting to talk about: 1. What is the definition of fun? - I imagine for most introverts, a loud party and getting drunk is not our definition of fun. 2. Is there a causal relationship between a Dev Career and social isolation? - Most dev work is working in isolation and for introverts this is a blessing, but for extroverts this can be depressi…

While there may not be a causal relationship between a dev career and social isolation, I feel they are orthogonal. Unlike a product manager or a sales person, there is not as much incentive to build a social circle, and to acquire the skills that let you build a social circle wherever you go. So your circle-building skills slowly atrophy, unless you are a social animal and put in extra-effort in your own time. As ma…

Great comment, this actually made me realize that I have a fixed mindset when it comes to socializing. Instead of a growth mindset, that socializing is a skill that needs to be practiced and can be improved.

My problem though is that I rarely know how to make casual conversation correctly. I usually think of asking questions but this usually comes-off as being too much like an interrogation. Anybody have tips on making casual conversation unawkward?

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#389

Post by tluyben2 »

tenonyx wrote: post #201
chihuahua wrote: post #113

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Those aging women, how dare they get older, inconveniencing OP with their existence in the same timeline.

Eh, I wish them all best of luck, I'm sure they're great people. My point was that people seem to attend various hobbies to find romantic partners, rather than friends.

But putting it the way you did; maybe if we saw a picture of you and if you look like a hunchback smurf then you maybe can say things the way you put them. 'People who attend various hobbies tend to do that to find romantic partners' is a fine way of putting it instead.

But you are right; I find that too, which is why I just go work in bars (I mean; sit and code, not serve beer!) instead of trying to meet people at hobbies (Which, for me, are all nerd/hardware/software things anyway). Even without drinking (which I don't do during working time), it is very easy to meet tons of people. And it works everywhere. The best craft beer bar in my new town (I move often) is open 8 am to 2 am, it's always busy and over 90% of the people just drink coffee there (with 15 beers on draft + more in bottles), the entire day. I work there and when I need a break, I just look around for 5 minutes and someone will make eye contact and start talking. Works everywhere I have been I found (in the US, EU, Asia).

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#390

Post by aklemm »

throwawaynay wrote: post #2

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

This was my reaction too. You can’t put off a judgmental vibe like that and expect to attract many cool people.
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