Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#321

Post by rustandstardust » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 5:52 AM UTC

So, from your post you: a) don't know who any of your neighbors are. b) think you're better than those you do attempt to associate with c) don't want any advice on 1) doing things you love (i.e. hobbies) 2) seeking help from mental health professionals 3) meeting new people

no offense, but this seems like a social experiment or fodder for a medium article no one will ever read. Supposing you're genuine, you have a few options: a) get dogs and go do a dog park b) find a magic wand and wave it c) (sorry this is against site guidelines) stop being a loser - and, no, material success has nothing to do with that.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#322

Post by tomkat0789 » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 5:52 AM UTC

tenonyx wrote: post #159

kinnth wrote: post #67

I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow, the first thing to focus on is your personal mindset and build from there: 1. Just say yes. When someone asks for anything, say yes, no matter how big or small (help them move out, look after their dog) This will put you into novel situations. 2. Show genuine interest in things. Ask why, learn more, dig deeper, k…

> I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow Thanks, what a great list! Would you mind sharing some more tips? :) How do you go from talking to someone during some hobby activity to a friendship outside of that activity? In the past I had lots of good conversations with people met through hobbies, only to go back home and never speak to them again. How do…

I do a bunch of Meetups and watched this happen a bunch (EDIT: the going to a hobby event and never speaking again that is). About a year and a half after meeting a fellow regular of a hiking Meetup I finally felt not awkward inviting the lady and her husband to a board game night with my wife. Maybe the key step is to get with the regulars (or volunteer to be the coordinator?). I think the couple I've befriended have the same problem I have, which is why their schedule is so open for my silly ideas for socializing!

In my case the gateway to friendship was more hikes, and vaguely stale board game nights. We're trying to do something (making friends) that's difficult, that much is clear!

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#323

Post by gonzo41 » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 5:52 AM UTC

anon92387493 wrote: post #133

zanzibar735 wrote: post #28

This is extremely common. In their 30s, people get married, have kids, and move to the suburbs. Finding and keeping friends in your 30s is quite a challenge. Some tips: - move to a city - things are much much easier in a city as people are more transient, groups aren't as established, and new people arrive all the time - it sounds like you have some friends - ask them if they have any friends in your area you should…

RE: activity This may sound crazy, but join a Crossfit gym. Look on google maps, find one that is convenient, show up, talk to the coach, and sign up for a month. Crossfit is instant community. And you will get fit and feel better about yourself while you do it. Will it solve everything? Maybe not. But there's it's SUCH a simple way to make real progress on isolation, health, and self esteem. There are a million othe…

This is good advice, also if it doesn't work, you'll be so tired all of your problems will be gone because you'll be sleeping or trying to eat enough to keep up.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#324

Post by antigirl » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 5:53 AM UTC

This happened to me. So I actually quit my job and went travelling. I met a girl. My photography got better. It was life changing. Then I picked up remote work and stayed abroad.

Moved back home recently. Found out that I didn’t like being back. Went to European city for a year. Went to meetup when I got there; made loads of friends. It was a really fun year. Albeit very transient.

Now I’m back in Asia. Ultimately you’re looking for a life partner. So a gf. No number of friends will fill that void.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#325

Post by cscurmudgeon » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 5:55 AM UTC

throwawaynay wrote: post #2

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

I think you put your finger on the pulse. OP is probably very shallow and this could explain his loneliness.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#326

Post by moltar » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 6:03 AM UTC

cpsns wrote: post #304

moltar wrote: post #139

> in my 30s > my life is pretty much done Hahahaha Consider that we have essentially figured out how to live super long (> 100) and maybe even much longer, your life is faaaaar from over. My advice is to take a sabbatical and go travel. You’ll meet lots of people outside of your zone and have fun.

> Consider that we have essentially figured out how to live super long (> 100) and maybe even much longer, your life is faaaaar from over. Some people might find this liberating, but I am not one of them. The idea of having to live that long is terrifying.

Why do you find it terrifying?

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#327

Post by throw__away7391 » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 6:07 AM UTC

echelon wrote: post #303

throw__away7391 wrote: post #288

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So we have an idea that is false. Demonstrably false we can agree. Also, anecdotes aside for a moment overwhelmingly higher religious beliefs correlate with lower intelligence. So, back to the anecdote, why in the case of someone being intelligent by your judgement would they believe this story, with ample evidence easily accessible to refute it? - They've never considered it critically--ok that's possible - They've…

To veer a little off track, I used to be a huge fan of Richard Dawkins back in college until I realized his approach just creates friction and polarization. The opposite of what he crusades for. The astrophysicists have a way better approach than the biologists. It's non-confrontational. But my point is that I don't think it's impossible for atheists and religious folks to be friends. Or even date and get married. Mu…

Yeah I don't think on HN I'm actually talking to very many people who would for example, not believe that species evolved via natural selection, that there was global flood that killed everyone except one family, that the earth is 6000 years old, that all the inhabitants of the new world before 1492 were sent to hell by a Mesopotamian sky-god, or that gay men and disobedient children should be stoned to death. No, I think I'm preaching to the choir here, to borrow a phrase, and I don't engage in this kind of debate anyway because it isn't worth my time.

Specifically I'm saying going to church for community is a terrible, dangerous idea. That even if you don't believe in what they're saying, that it is like going to a Neo-Nazi meetup for the pancakes. Even if they're like really, really good pancakes and you can't find pancakes anywhere else as good and these particular Nazis are not too serious about the whole Nazi thing, you may find yourself getting involved with more than you expected and find that leaving or even admitting you want to is more difficult that you expected.

This is not innocuous; there are many, many religious groups out there deliberately and strategically targeting people like the OP, and train their members to do the same. This is the primary way that cults recruit people who aren't indoctrinated as children.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#328

Post by SenHeng » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 6:09 AM UTC

kinnth wrote: post #67

I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow, the first thing to focus on is your personal mindset and build from there: 1. Just say yes. When someone asks for anything, say yes, no matter how big or small (help them move out, look after their dog) This will put you into novel situations. 2. Show genuine interest in things. Ask why, learn more, dig deeper, k…

The problem with your first solution is that there’a nobody requesting help from in the first place.

2 and 3, I’ve tried those but people just don’t se to reciprocate or just don’t want to add another person to their group.

It’s tough.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#329

Post by bjowen » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 6:13 AM UTC

Others have said it already - it’s harder in your thirties, your existing friends have children or move for work, everyone’s busy.

A couple of things I’d add - there are things like night classes in trades that can super fun as a skill to learn and teamwork helps you meet people well out of your regular circle. I recently did metalwork as a short course and it was great on both fronts. Make it something you’re curious about learning so you’re engaged.

Meet your neighbours. In my neighbourhood it’s easiest if you have a dog to walk, but I met mine by painting my front fence over a sunny weekend and just saying hello to the passers-by. Now we have a group chat and have drinks on public holidays and generally look out for each other. Knowing the people who live around you is really beneficial on lots of fronts.

Find a Discord server of a podcaster / streamer / YouTuber that you like, one that has local meetups. Existing communities like that are usually pretty welcoming and easy to make conversation in.

Not my thing, but I’ve heard that martial arts clubs can be good places to find community, similar to the CrossFit suggestion, but they’re organised around teaching and keeping people on a learning pathway. I do know people who’ve met through a taiko (drumming) dojo.. it takes all types. Find a thing that you want to keep coming back to. Best of luck!

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#330

Post by conductr » Sun, Jan 30, 2022, 6:16 AM UTC

throw__away7391 wrote: post #254

conductr wrote: post #230

While perhaps a loaded suggestion, if you have the tolerance for it, I’d suggest attending a church. You can utilize the social aspect without fully committing to the spiritual aspects. The reason I suggest it is because of it’s role as the post-college college where you can build deep relationships and people of all ages are genuinely wanting to network specifically to build a community. They’re not doing happy hour…

This truly is terrible advice. The worst thing that could happen would be your life gets wrapped into a religious community. This is why people of seeming average intelligence stay in churches. Everyone is pretending to believe the nonsense because if anyone admits (often even just to themselves) just how stupid it is, poof goes their friends, community, perhaps even their marriage. > I’m not even spiritual and I avo…

Wow, ok. So it's meant as an idea which in today's world is often unconventional yet used to be very normal not very long ago. Whether we/you like it or not, organizing around faith is quite foundational to humans in general.

Obviously the OP and any reader needs to evaluate their personal situation and appetite for this and also evaluate any church they attend. Not all churches are cults. Most modern churches with younger crowds have steered away from preachy aspects and see themselves as building a faith based community. Being good citizens in a community that loosely believe in the same thing. That's why nondenominational christian churches are increasingly popular. The concerns you raised are true of traditional and culty type churches, certain denominations, etc that make waves and I think you're projecting the headlines/horror stories you've heard onto religion as a whole while ignoring Millions of people have healthy relationships with their church so this blanket statement of terrible advice is just ignorant.

FWIW, I consider myself agnostic and can filter away BS that isn't aligned with my personal take or just avoid the stuff that I have no interest in (eg. bible school). It's very much like politics. I don't have to believe what you believe we can coexist and maybe we have some minor overlap that we can connect on.