Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

Welcome to becoming a mature adult in the real world! It's true, as people age they become gringey dorks. And you may be surprised... It happens even to people who don't work in tech. I participate in a few communities that have little or nothing to do with tech, and they're still filled with awkward characters searching for connection too.

Sure, there are people in their 30's still partying and leading the lifestyles of the young and beautiful. But, maybe those people are still doing that because they haven't grown much since their early 20's. And if you haven't found focus in life beyond "being cool" and drinking and socializing by the time you're in your mid 40's, that lifestyle starts to be a pretty cringey look of its own.

Maturing emotionally means becoming more guarded and picky. You and the people around you have lived in the world, become invested in your own ways of living, and taken damage from the ups and downs of life. It's never again going to be as easy as being 20 something in a room full of 20-somethings who all want to meet each other right now.

But, there's also the chance for connection beyond what's possible at a party with "laughing, kicking and screaming" full of people who closely match your demographic. Ask people what their lives are about, people usually like talking about themselves. You'll get them to open up and you'll learn new things. Let things take time and be willing to let friendships form on a timescale more like months or years rather than days or weeks.

Not so much to your original point, but you mentioned "quitting the career"... If you're sick of tech, start on your second career. Even if you're not super confident, pick something that seems doable and pursue it. It will be exciting and rewarding and you will re-experience the feeling of joyous surprise you once felt when learning tech. You have time for this and can afford this easily since you're making tech job money and it sounds like you have time for weekend/evening/intensive classes. And you will meet a new batch of people. I've been in a program where I've taken a number of classes with the same group, and it's been a great way to get to know some new friends.

No reason to be scared because you don't have to "quit the career". Tech will take you back if your other thing doesn't work. You can learn a new thing and switch back and forth. Or you can do both part time.

The astrophysicists have a way better approach than the biologists. It's non-confrontational.

But my point is that I don't think it's impossible for atheists and religious folks to be friends. Or even date and get married. Mutual respect and communication goes a long way.

It may sound a bit of place in a forum like HN, but I have a point to make here. What you feel is a fairly common phenomenon and I know a ton of people who aren't happy at this setting. I would like to suggest joining a political grouping and study the in-group dynamics.

From the background you have stated, it is highly unlikely that you have joined a political movement or seen its inner workings at any point in time. You don't have to be a politician, but you can join the team of one. You can make yourself a lot useful. You wouldn't realise the huge value a website or a robust analytics infrastructure for a local/provincial level politician. Or your could collaborate in strategy, outreach, electioneering etc.

The best thing about a political movement is that it derives people from various background, age groups, ethnicities (I know that this is not true for many political groupings, but you could choose based on your taste) and experiences. They are generally very much driven and at least care for a cause. Once you bond, you'll see that the in-group dynamics and response to questions like general ethics, economics etc shifts from the advertised positions. This shift in dynamics is what makes you politically aware and literate. It is a great liberating experience. In movements that are around for long, you'll see yourself interacting with a lot of people as if you have known them for years - sometimes like family members. This is a great way to connect with people from different classes, backgrounds and develop the kind of empathy that will help us appreciate ourselves better.

I realise that the socio-political situation in different nations are different. But if you can do this, this will definitely light up the mood. It is also a great contribution to society - but you don't have to look at it that way. Political activity is a great addition to our lives, as many people across the generations have found out. Do give it a try.

Also, make an effort to communicate with people and hang out. It's hard and takes a while to break through. Once you make a strong friendship with one or two people, you'll start meeting more. It's absolutely not impossible to get into a good friend group.

You could sell all your stuff and work from an RV. You could move to East Asia. You could get a more socially engaging job. Try lots of stuff until you find what you want. What are you working for? If you don't know, figure it out.