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Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

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Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#241

Post by pm90 »

It’s really a numbers game. If you’re in the Bay Area, I would recommend moving to another region, or to move to SF or Oakland proper (not the suburbs). The Bay Area is very male heavy because tech is so male heavy and tech dominates the economy. Austin, Denver or any of the East Coast cities (+Chicago) have lots of single adults and a more balanced mix of genders. I’m not talking just about dating either; having a good friends group requires a little bit of diversity of interests and experiences.

After you leave college, you’re transitioning out from a life in which you always had people around you who you went to classes with and had some shared context to form bonds.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#242

Post by tayo42 »

JSavageOne wrote: post #189
tayo42 wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Traveling and digital nomading is definitely on my list, the pandemic delayed the plans. Ironically, I find this to be even more isolating. One thing is right in the name, nomad, your not making and permanent or lasting friendships. Sure, you meet a lot of people but everyone is just going on their own after. Also I find travel to not be something relatable at all to most people. Most people can't do it, and get we…

> Most people can't do it, and get weird about it. What? Definitely not my experience. > Its very expensive or you need to luck into a certain life style. Travel does not need to be expensive. Hostels are cheap. If you volunteer, you can even stay for free. Also many regions of the world are inexpensive. > No one is interested in seeing travel pics or talking about places ime. Again, not sure what kind of people you'…

Sure when I will travel I meet people interested in travel. I've gotten some cool info for futures trips from people. When I get back home, no one really cares. They're busy being broke or working high stress jobs. 40% of Americans never left the country. Of that how many do you think are just going on a cruise or a carribean resort?

I'm pretty sure you live in a bubble. None of my friends are taking more then a trip a year.

Hostels and volunteering are not for everyone. A vacation that is hard when life is hard is not appealing.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#243

Post by abakker »

tenonyx wrote: post #159
kinnth wrote: post #67

I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow, the first thing to focus on is your personal mindset and build from there: 1. Just say yes. When someone asks for anything, say yes, no matter how big or small (help them move out, look after their dog) This will put you into novel situations. 2. Show genuine interest in things. Ask why, learn more, dig deeper, k…

> I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow Thanks, what a great list! Would you mind sharing some more tips? :) How do you go from talking to someone during some hobby activity to a friendship outside of that activity? In the past I had lots of good conversations with people met through hobbies, only to go back home and never speak to them again. How do…

You start with the hobby activity, stick with it, and add other things! The hobby is the first glue, but then add dinner, movies, games, conversations. Conversational skill is also a developed one, not innate. IMO, talking about things and ideas is best. Conversation works best when both people Learn and teach, but nobody is trying to be right.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#244

Post by Klonoar »

You sound like a person who envisions a life they should have, feels they deserve that life, and are frustrated they don't have it - then judge everyone you wind up interacting with as you try to fix it.

My advice: get over yourself, you're your own worst enemy.

You might not love the people you meet at those meetups, for instance, but if you auto-reject everyone you meet you'll never wind up meeting people via those second or third tier connections. Nothing is saying you have to want to be best friends or date those people you decry, but you're cutting yourself off from potential groups of people that you could be introduced to. You're your own worst enemy here.

Getting a dog or traveling, as others here have said, probably won't fix it - a dog can't help you better yourself, and traveling might hide the issue but you'll still be the same ineffective blocked off "you" wherever you go. Work on yourself more.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#245

Post by brd529 »

tenonyx wrote: post #159
kinnth wrote: post #67

I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow, the first thing to focus on is your personal mindset and build from there: 1. Just say yes. When someone asks for anything, say yes, no matter how big or small (help them move out, look after their dog) This will put you into novel situations. 2. Show genuine interest in things. Ask why, learn more, dig deeper, k…

> I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow Thanks, what a great list! Would you mind sharing some more tips? :) How do you go from talking to someone during some hobby activity to a friendship outside of that activity? In the past I had lots of good conversations with people met through hobbies, only to go back home and never speak to them again. How do…

> How do you go from talking to someone during some hobby activity to a friendship outside of that activity

Ask them for their phone number and text them to invite them to things, even if just to lunch

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#248

Post by wasnthere »

zanzibar735 wrote: post #28

This is extremely common. In their 30s, people get married, have kids, and move to the suburbs. Finding and keeping friends in your 30s is quite a challenge. Some tips: - move to a city - things are much much easier in a city as people are more transient, groups aren't as established, and new people arrive all the time - it sounds like you have some friends - ask them if they have any friends in your area you should…

I mostly agree with zanzibar735 except I disagree with their depression prognosis — its loneliness imho and its a silent killer.

I firmly second their advice on seeing a therapist.

As you age “living your best life” will take different forms. You just have to stick with trying to “live your best life”.

Good luck and I hope this discussion here gives you some actionable advice that you can implement.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#249

Post by fidgetspinner »

I know you said advice outside of finding a hobby, but I'd say team-based sports or other game type clubs are a great way to be part of positive social groups that aren't full of sad, lonely people. Also, with sports, you're also doing something athletic which is probably good for your body and serotonin levels.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#250

Post by austhrow743 »

tootie wrote: post #152
anon92387493 wrote: post #133

Earlier quoted context omitted.

RE: activity This may sound crazy, but join a Crossfit gym. Look on google maps, find one that is convenient, show up, talk to the coach, and sign up for a month. Crossfit is instant community. And you will get fit and feel better about yourself while you do it. Will it solve everything? Maybe not. But there's it's SUCH a simple way to make real progress on isolation, health, and self esteem. There are a million othe…

There's a 1000 similar options. Ballroom dancing, martial arts, bird watching, D&D. Most are happy to have new recruits.

I would be highly skeptical that most people in their 30s doing ballroom dancing and bird watching are normal. I know you're just making stuff up with the D&D inclusion.
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