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Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

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Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#151

Post by 7thaccount »

Remember that everyone is going through something and that the grass is always greener on the other side.

I love my wife and kid and am pretty much never lonely, but haven't had the time to do much of anything in ages. Before having kids, we would go out to dinner, read a book at a coffee shop...etc. Now I just work and parent and occasionally have a few hours a week for recreation.

This isn't to belittle your experience (I hope you're able to find what you're looking for), but to let you know that we're all there with you in spirit in case you find that slightly uplifting.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#152

Post by tootie »

anon92387493 wrote: post #133
zanzibar735 wrote: post #28

This is extremely common. In their 30s, people get married, have kids, and move to the suburbs. Finding and keeping friends in your 30s is quite a challenge. Some tips: - move to a city - things are much much easier in a city as people are more transient, groups aren't as established, and new people arrive all the time - it sounds like you have some friends - ask them if they have any friends in your area you should…

RE: activity This may sound crazy, but join a Crossfit gym. Look on google maps, find one that is convenient, show up, talk to the coach, and sign up for a month. Crossfit is instant community. And you will get fit and feel better about yourself while you do it. Will it solve everything? Maybe not. But there's it's SUCH a simple way to make real progress on isolation, health, and self esteem. There are a million othe…

There's a 1000 similar options. Ballroom dancing, martial arts, bird watching, D&D. Most are happy to have new recruits.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#153

Post by bawolff »

Aloha wrote: post #150
bawolff wrote: post #136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Telling people to just "be happy" is not constructive advice. If it was that easy everyone would do it.

You have to learn to like yourself before others will though, having a deep sense of self loathing, even self consciously, will put people off of you, you emanate a deep proverbial psychological stink - and it turns people away.

I think that's true, its just not helpful advice.

Simply "chosing" to be happy is like simply "chosing" to be a milioniare.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#154

Post by darkerside »

Aloha wrote: post #150
bawolff wrote: post #136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Telling people to just "be happy" is not constructive advice. If it was that easy everyone would do it.

You have to learn to like yourself before others will though, having a deep sense of self loathing, even self consciously, will put people off of you, you emanate a deep proverbial psychological stink - and it turns people away.

This. Sorry, I can't give the secret to happiness, but I can tell you to stop looking in places where you won't find it. One of those places is expecting others to give it to you when you have none to give back.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#155

Post by itg »

“I tried to meet new people at hobbies and dance lessons, but guess what - they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc.“

I wonder why you have trouble making friends.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#156

Post by rdiddly »

I don't think this is specific to working as a dev. It's more about the pandemic in my opinion. If you're not busy raising a family of your own right now (in which case you'd be like your friends, too busy for a social life), then you presumably still want to meet & be around people, and the loss of the office as a place for that, is a bigger loss than it is for someone who's not leaning that way.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#157

Post by darkerside »

bawolff wrote: post #153
Aloha wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You have to learn to like yourself before others will though, having a deep sense of self loathing, even self consciously, will put people off of you, you emanate a deep proverbial psychological stink - and it turns people away.

I think that's true, its just not helpful advice. Simply "chosing" to be happy is like simply "chosing" to be a milioniare.

You can choose to work and save and get a little richer every day. The mentality you describe is actually the most dangerous hurdle I found on the path to happiness.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#158

Post by hamstrung »

mmcgaha wrote: post #25

Sex with an unattractive woman is better than no sex at all. A difference between guys born in the 60/70s vs 90/2000s is that we were a lot less picky about the chicks we banged. Not sure what changed in the culture but I don't think the current situation is optimal for anyone. BTW, I know that I am not speaking for everyone from these age groups but I am comparing boys I grew up with vs my boys who were born between…

> Not sure what changed

porn, instagram etc.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#159

Post by tenonyx »

kinnth wrote: post #67

I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow, the first thing to focus on is your personal mindset and build from there: 1. Just say yes. When someone asks for anything, say yes, no matter how big or small (help them move out, look after their dog) This will put you into novel situations. 2. Show genuine interest in things. Ask why, learn more, dig deeper, k…

> I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow

Thanks, what a great list! Would you mind sharing some more tips? :)

How do you go from talking to someone during some hobby activity to a friendship outside of that activity? In the past I had lots of good conversations with people met through hobbies, only to go back home and never speak to them again. How do you stay in touch with people you don't know very well, without being weird / imposing?

> I'm about to go to Thailand to learn how to become a yoga teacher, not for a career but for a disciplined adventure that will deeply enrich me and is nowhere near a computer!

Sounds like a solid plan, good luck!

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#160

Post by DarylZero »

darkerside wrote: post #14
tenonyx wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want to meet people like me. I really don't like myself right now :) I'm looking for a way out from this state, not a way to settle in. It's like you can't treat depression by hanging out with other depressed people, it'll make you worse. > Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently…

Work on yourself first, buddy. Learn to be happy, then people will naturally enter your life and stick around.

People aren't supposed to be happy when they're isolated -- and being happy doesn't naturally end isolation. That's absurd, and a victim-blaming mentality. (Not to imply OP is a victim.)

The isolation is because we're an atomized society. Humans are psychologically supposed to exist in stable tribes. These have been shrunk down to nuclear families in modern life.

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