Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

I don't really recommend digital nomadism for being less lonely or making friends. You end up just having to make new friends over and over if you keep moving (which is what being a digital nomad is) which is emotionally exhausting and feels sisyphean. I'm speaking from experience here. Unless you want to be an expat or move to a new city, which is a different thing. But won't necessarily solve your problems, and while other expats can be an extremely friendly bunch to befriend (you're both all alone in a foreign place / isolated linguistically) - it's also easy for it to be a booze-based friendship. That being said, travel is definitely worthwhile, but try some shorter trips first before deciding to move your whole life to see if you like it and find out what kinds of destinations appeal to you. Don't trust what you read online about the best spots, or location arbitrage, or what the locals are like or how hot they are. See for yourself because everyone has different tastes when it comes to travel.

But I mean if you live in a huge city in a shit neighborhood, maybe try a nicer neighborhood. Or if you like in a small town or city with nothing going on, maybe try a bigger city. Mix things up.

Learn to be the host of your own events, to connect the new acquaintances you do meet to each other, rather than sitting around waiting for a new person you just met to text you. When I was at my peak extroversion and friend-making skills while I was doing my own digital nomad thing, I would literally throw out random "you seem like a pretty cool person and I'm new here and trying to make new friends, here's my number if you'd like to go out for drinks with me and another recent acquaintance I've made named Jorb this weeekend" to random employees at cafes, whereever and hand them a napkin with my #. Cringe as hell, but when you get truly desperate while traveling you throw your pride to the floor.

Live in a walkable big city with lots of events and diverse types of people if you hate the nerd monoculture (see NYC not Palo Alto). Or if you are in a smaller place, lean even harder into making things happen yourself. If there's no first-person drone racing group in Toledo, OH but that's what you wanna do - figure out ways to advertise it - start your own. Tell every person you meet and everyone you interact with - cashiers or whoever - that you're starting a FPV drone racing group and if they are interested or know anyone who might be to check the meetup.com site you make or whatever. Pretend you're a quest giver in an MMO.

Join activities where there's opportunity to talk during or after (so not a yoga class, but yes to a kickball league where you're on the sidelines for stretches), or there's activity->followed by drinks. Just make sure you limit yourself to a drink or two and don't make getting drunk a necessary part of friendship. It's not sustainable, especially in your 30s.

Join activities (or create your own) where you'll see the same group each week.

Put forth effort. It's hard, but it's worthwhile.

Avoid friendships that only are fun when you are both drinking. Or friendships that are based on no common interest/activity OR humor. You either need to share an interest or share humor for it to work IMO, even if getting drunk together for a couple of years once a week will make the person tolerable.

Accept that a lot of activities that foster friendship just either cost money, and allocate the budget for it, because its absolutely important for mental health (if you are the type that is extremely frugal, but also feeling really depressed or lonely).

When you start to make friends, try to think about what you can do for them. Check in on how they are feeling, offer help when they are struggling with something, or offer to bring food when they are sick, or move boxes when they are moving. The older you get, the more difficult it is to forge really strong emotional bonds, but that means these sorts of things mean a lot more to people.

Read Starting Strength and start lifting with that program.

Cut out all the junk you eat, start eating heathy. Stop drinking or smoking if you do that.

Make sure you get at least 8 hours of sleep.

Read the Almanac of Naval Ravikant, specifically the parts about wealth and happiness.

At least once a week, take a walk outdoors.

Avoid therapy until you have taken the above simple steps to try to remedy your situation, which isn’t that you are lacking friends but that you have envy and a feeling that you are lacking something fundamental in your own life.

Friends don’t create happiness, happiness can create friends though.

Telling people to just "be happy" is not constructive advice. If it was that easy everyone would do it.

Move into a share house

When I was in about the same situation (and probably at about the same age) as you are now, a bit over twenty years ago now, I went to a bar and had a beer (and probably dinner) one Friday afternoon. Probably with a paperback SF novel in my pocket, as was my wont in those days, to have something to read while I ate and drank. The bar -- which fittingly was also named Friday -- can't have been too popular, because I had a whole booth to myself. (This was before everyone became too anti-social to even answer their phones, or use them to make actual voice calls to actual people, so it was customary to share space with strangers if space was in short supply.) Well, a few years later the bar closed anyway, so Friday is no more.

But, as I sat there in my booth reading my novel and nursing my beer(s), I noticed two women -- old friends, from what I overheard of their conversation -- in the booth next to mine. A while after that, I noticed that they had also noticed me, and a further while after that, we struck up a conversation. Can't recall if the blonde one, whom I at first found the more attractive of them, threw me a line or if it was me who interjected some joke into their conversation. Perhaps they asked what I was reading, or something. Anyway, after some time talking, I came to the conclusion that the brunette was even nicer -- not just good looking, but a great sense of humour (got in some real zingers about me, but all in good fun), and with a very sensible outlook on life in general. So I did my best to keep up my end of the conversation, took an interest in them -- no faking it, I was interested! -- and hung around until the talk turned to what to do for the rest of the evening. Can't recall who suggested another place, with music and dancing. So there we went.

The place was called Pikkuparlamentti, "Little Parliament", because it was right next to the parliament building. (Hm, also closed now -- am I cursed?!? Naah, at least media claimed it was torn down because the Finnish Parliament expanded their building in that direction.) This place was really popular at the time, so we talked some more while waiting in line to get in. At the door, disaster struck: "Sorry, no jeans and no sneakers!" I told the ladies I'd see them inside a little later, and took a taxi home to change and back there quicker than I would have thought possible. Then I danced, IIRC with both of them (possibly even at the same time), but definitely mostly with the brunette... Whom I had by this time realised was definitely the more attractive of them, and wondered how I could ever have thought otherwise. (See other comments about how attraction grows from more than superficial qualities.)

If all goes well, our son will graduate from "lukio" (~"high school") this year.

So:

1) Go to bars for dinner and beer after work.

2) Don't be so immediately judgemental.

3) Remember to bring a paperback novel.

[Edit: Ttpo.]