Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

91–100 of 522 posts

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#91

Post by jaw »

At several points in my life I've been so discontent that I felt I had no choice but to try something that felt (at least to me at the time) drastic and risky. This has included:

- pursuing romantic interests that I knew could get complicated

- reaching out for emotional support in ways that made me feel embarrassed and vulnerable

- confessing suicidal thoughts to my doctor

- quitting my job and taking >1 year off work

- moving across the country with no job lined up and no long-term plan

I've never regretted any such decision; I think it's always had a major positive impact on my life. Because when I'm trapped in my routine the world can start to feel very small. To shatter that illusion and remind myself how wide the possibilities in life really are, it's often necessary to behave in some way that violates inhibitions I normally have.

So... taking a break from coding could be a great idea, especially if you can build up some savings first. It doesn't have to be forever (I took ~15 months off then got another software job). You don't have to plan the rest of your life - find a direction that looks promising for the next year or two, and adjust course again as needed after that.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#92

Post by gafferongames »

Sounds to me like you may be depressed. If you are depressed, I recommend against traveling without getting that looked at first. When you are depressed, no matter where you go, there you are. Travel won't help.

There's no shame in this, I had undiagnosed anxiety/depression for 20+ years. I had no idea what it was, or why I felt that way until it was treated and it went away completely.

Seek professional help. CBT (talk therapy) is good. Drugs + CBT are even better. If you find an SSRI that works + some CBT, it's life changing stuff right there.

Without this, you are fighting with one hand tied behind your back. Fix this first.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#93

Post by thrown »

feupan wrote: post #45
tenonyx wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want to meet people like me. I really don't like myself right now :) I'm looking for a way out from this state, not a way to settle in. It's like you can't treat depression by hanging out with other depressed people, it'll make you worse. > Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently…

> the pandemic delayed the plans Don't listen to yourself. I left for Mexico 4 months into the pandemic. Thailand is open, Philippines apparently just opened, Indonesia lets you in with a visa. Do it and don't look back. Pick a country where you can stay 6+ months if you've never traveled before. Find a good DN destination on dedicated websites, not every DN is a developer so you might meet new people just by hanging…

> don't stay at home ever

great advice. I think I'm gonna move to a city or some random island and try this

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#94

Post by andrew_ »

I was in a similar rut 'round about 2013. I won't go into details, but sans a very small number of solid-as-granite people, my group of friends disintegrated for various reasons, including everyone I know getting married off, having kids, and being absorbed by one or the other.

I got off of my ass. I moved to a completely new geographic area. I sampled every aspect, every neighborhood of my target area, and I looked for the things that made the time prior so good. I found it, and I got to take a second spin through the best time of my single life. I met outstanding people, made lifelong friendships, partied like there was no tomorrow, met my wife, had my kids, kept my friendships, kept the best parts of partying, and found an incredible life. I liked who I was. I didn't like where I was, physically, spiritually, and metaphysically.

I'm in my 40s now. I just spent the day dressed up like a pirate catching beads, pounding beers, ripping shots of rum, laughing with friends, being absolutely ridiculous, and came back to a 3 year old telling me that she "loves me so much." Use your gifts to lift yourself out. They serve you, you don't serve them.

get. off. of. your. ass. in whatever way that is meaningful to you.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#95

Post by larrymyers »

SquibblesRedux wrote: post #69

Some ideas that may or may not pan out: - Get a pet. - Volunteer for a non-profit organization. - Go to church. - Visit and talk frequently with family members. - Join an online dating service. - Talk with or visit your neighbors as frequently as feasible. - Every time you go out shopping, make a point of engaging in light conversation with people who work where you shop. - Take music lessons at a music store. Make a…

Getting a pet is actually a pretty great idea. There's something awesome about having a non-judgemental companion who is always pretty excited to see you and values your attention. My cats keep us sane with our new normal of always being home, because remote work.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#96

Post by dougmwne »

tenonyx wrote: post #24
darkerside wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Work on yourself first, buddy. Learn to be happy, then people will naturally enter your life and stick around.

That's how it worked in the past! That's what I want to achieve. But there are no people who could enter, at least not in this isolated job.

Work is a terrible place to make friends. The incentives are all stacked against it. People at work are competitive, fearful, distrusting, political, formal, reserved, with worksonas turned up to the max. When people leave the company, the majority of the time the reason for the relationship has ceased. Try to bring people into your life through just about any other activity and you will have better results.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#97

Post by knut5 »

Walk over there and introduce yourself.

Bring some beers -- don't over think it. If you need a joke to break the ice here ya go:

`why do mermaids wear seashells on their breasts?

it's because the A and B "shells" are too small!"

Get over there!! Don't let Sour Grapes define you! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fox_and_the_Grapes

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#99

Post by sometimeshuman »

The description of your college days implies that you are not incompetent socially. That's encouraging! Tell yourself this social drought will pass and just bare it a little longer until the Covid situation stabilizes.

In another comment you mentioned digital nomad plans. I'm planning that too. My strategy is to stay in a 20+ room co-working hotel that requires a 1 month minimum stay and then hopefully forming a bond with a few people. Then perhaps traveling with them to the next city. With a few friends it becomes much easier to make the first move with a woman you find attractive since dates are just inviting her to hang out with your pals. Just having friends makes you more attractive to women too, but I think you know this. I live in a desirable coastal city so hopefully encouraging her to move might possible if I find the right person, or heck I can move. It sounds like you live in an interesting city too but even if neither of you can move and it ends, you'll at least break your losing streak.

That's the hope anyway. The fact that you are thinking about and have some ideas is again encouraging. I think you'll be fine.

Lastly it may get psychologically easier as you get older. IME a few high quality half/full day interactions a year are enough for me to stay happy. But unfortunately it is not a strategy for forming a romantic relationship.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#100

Post by balaji1 »

the_gipsy wrote: post #42

Either have kids to prevent having time to think, or just accept that life is meaningless. Remember that happiness is relative to your last phase, there is no such thing as "peak".

very few (other) comments suggest getting married, having kids or being religious. Seems like OP didn't even consider it.
Post reply on HN