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Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

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81–90 of 522 posts

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#81
You have money and no commitments. You can work remote. These are insane assets to have. Few have any of these. Virtually no one your age has all of them. Take these as your basis to do something you are uniquely advantaged to do, that interests you. Others suggested traveling, that's a great idea. Also, don't be afraid to spend your money. What are you saving it for? A lonely retirement? You won't be young and able bodied forever.

I might suggest a niche outdoor hobby. Dangerous hobbies in particular, like hang gliding or something. I've found a decent friend group tied by a strong shared interest this way. We plan trips to go do this hobby. Because it is dangerous there is a level of mutual trust and respect. As someone without a significant other or children you are well positioned to tak up such a hobby that most others could not afford or tolerate the risk for. There is adventure if you go look for it.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#82
A job is not a substitute for life. Your answer is to explore your life more, not explore working more. Go take some good risks. Talk to some of those old women and short guys. Stop your routine and try something new. Change your approach. Change your mind. You may not be in your 20's anymore, but each stage of life comes with new perspectives, highs and lows. And forget normal. No one is normal since we are all both strange and familiar to someone.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#83
> short guys looking for girlfriends

> All the "normal" people

Lol thanks. I used to have self-confidence issues because I'm short. Spent a lot of time at university feeling sorry for myself, unable to make friends or see myself as worthy of a girlfriend.

Eventually realised that it's mostly in my head. I got over my self-esteem issues, went out and spoke to a stranger (ikr isn't that crazy?!) and he became my best friend. We travelled a bit and I met a whole bunch of girls who really liked me (at parties, on campus, etc). Life basically finds ways to disprove every dumb assumption you have, in my experience.

That was a couple years ago. Pandemic put my social life on pause.

I think the "go to dance lessons" advice is so dumb because it just means all the people who are at dance lessons are looking for something other than to learn to dance.

My advice is go to bar or a club and dance with strangers (where everybody is there to have fun and mingle). Go alone, YOLO. Also, if you don't live in a city, move to a city.

Go to a different country. You're probably rich lol you have nothing to worry about.

Good luck

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#84
post #5

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

Even supposedly "unattractive" or "aging" women can start to look more attractive as you get to know them. It's really amazing the transformation that can happen. So much of what is attractive is subjective. It's hard to see that when younger, but it's true. Besides, the attractiveness we associate with youth inevitably fades anyway.

I can attest to this. In my 30’s with kids and suddenly women with well behaved kids are more attractive to me. You can find attraction in qualities as much as looks.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#85
post #13

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

> So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want to meet people like me. I really don't like myself right now :) I'm looking for a way out from this state, not a way to settle in. It's like you can't treat depression by hanging out with other depressed people, it'll make you worse. > Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently…

I’m in Thailand in the wintertime and for me it’s hard to find other devs that really code/architect medium to big sized software. I guess you can find Wordpress/Web-Devs everywhere though.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm not sure how well this will be received on HN, but if you're looking for a meeting place with folks that generally skew toward more community integration / more vibrant social lives, and which doesn't require already knowing someone, I'd suggest picking up a sport. Granted, you'll have to contend with the stereotypical "bro" types, but there'll also be well-adjusted young professionals in a similar position as yo…

I recommend a Kickball league. Less “bro” types for the most part. Although to be fair, my league had this one team that everyone hated because they were super serious. But the rest of us all got along great.

Dodgeball is another sport like this! There are very serious dodgeball teams, but generally they compete with each other and not the beer league. Even the super serious players tended to be friendly and willing to play at the same level rather than dominating. Added benefit is dodgeball is not dependent on weather.

I think looking for a sport that requires coed teams is a good way to ensure that things remain more social than competitive. (Not knocking women athletes, just noting that mixed sports tend to be about socializing.)

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#88
Hey. I’m sorry to hear how finding friendships is challenging and feels impossible.

I believe it’s okay not to be “normal.” Do what is restful for you, which may not be normal at all. Then be looking out for others who like those things too.

Folks say relationships take time, but I believe it’s something which can happen gradually and then suddenly.

I don’t know what you enjoy doing outside of code. But doing things which are not code helps me rest and helps me find other folks over time who also like that rest. And the friendship grows deeper with these shared experiences.

A new job or address can help you meet new people. But think about what’s restful for you and then be looking out for people who like doing that.

I say restful because then the activity is motivating even without a friendship, but as you go do those things you tend to bump into people who also enjoy those things. And who doesn’t want to be around people who are just as motivated about something as you are? It’s a joy I wish for everyone and I believe it happens gradually and then suddenly. :)

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#89
> short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands

These sound like buckets you created to fulfill your own subjective stereotypes.

> Doing things by myself is boring and depressing, and getting into a group of "normal" friends, of both genders, to hang out and laugh with, seems like an impossible goal.

This is a harsh thing to say, but maybe its you. You disparage people who are looking for the same thing in the previous paragraph.

> I feel that finding a non-coding job would be ultimately the best way to find new social groups

As someone who has worked many non-coding jobs, I can assure you that it is not.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#90
post #13

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

> So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want to meet people like me. I really don't like myself right now :) I'm looking for a way out from this state, not a way to settle in. It's like you can't treat depression by hanging out with other depressed people, it'll make you worse. > Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently…

Join a gym that has group exercise classes, like Orange Theory. You’ll find a new friend group, and unless you’re in the Bay Area, they’re unlikely to all be programmers. Plus exercise is always good for your well being.
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